My mind is tearing me to pieces
I walk in this evening with no care in the world except to rest. Maybe say hi to Alita now that she's back from Cali, joke around with her, give Payton a boost after her favorite non-stick frying pan is scratched. And above all, just have some space.
Go up to my room, let them talk downstairs, just chill out.
Now no one is here except Enzo and I feel paranoid.
Paranoid that Alita came back (there's a really nice purse on the table that's her MO) and her and Payton went out to avoid me. That Enzo isn't talking to me much because he's angry with me. That...hell, take your pick.
Where does this crap COME from??? If I'm down there with them, I feel overbearing. If I'm up in my room, I feel like I might be avoiding them. I received an invite to a movie prescreening I sent around to everyone, and now I feel like I'm some sort of clingy jerk. Texa untagged herself from a photo I posted on Facebook (which she's done in the past) and now I feel like a jackass for even tagging her, some sort of creepy old guy for doing it. WTF??
What is normal. That's what I need to know: what is normal...there's a book for this. A few in fact. And...crap, normalcy I've seen, experienced. It's embracing it that I have trouble with.
Why? ... Anxiety. I think I established that last entry. Being around people I care about yet I don't feel secure with freaks me out. That tipping point, where I like someone and yet feel inferior to them...well documented since college fer crap's sake.
So. The cure for that picadillo...well, it stems from my lack of ego, lack of confidence, not any actual lack of knowledge or manners. So...leap of faith? Just assume I'm right and if I'm wrong just roll with it?
Heh. A normal reaction in fact. With me luck!
Go up to my room, let them talk downstairs, just chill out.
Now no one is here except Enzo and I feel paranoid.
Paranoid that Alita came back (there's a really nice purse on the table that's her MO) and her and Payton went out to avoid me. That Enzo isn't talking to me much because he's angry with me. That...hell, take your pick.
Where does this crap COME from??? If I'm down there with them, I feel overbearing. If I'm up in my room, I feel like I might be avoiding them. I received an invite to a movie prescreening I sent around to everyone, and now I feel like I'm some sort of clingy jerk. Texa untagged herself from a photo I posted on Facebook (which she's done in the past) and now I feel like a jackass for even tagging her, some sort of creepy old guy for doing it. WTF??
What is normal. That's what I need to know: what is normal...there's a book for this. A few in fact. And...crap, normalcy I've seen, experienced. It's embracing it that I have trouble with.
Why? ... Anxiety. I think I established that last entry. Being around people I care about yet I don't feel secure with freaks me out. That tipping point, where I like someone and yet feel inferior to them...well documented since college fer crap's sake.
So. The cure for that picadillo...well, it stems from my lack of ego, lack of confidence, not any actual lack of knowledge or manners. So...leap of faith? Just assume I'm right and if I'm wrong just roll with it?
Heh. A normal reaction in fact. With me luck!