Taking note of the time dilation
I don't know if I've mentioned it before, but for some strange reason I've been noticing a...time dilation.
That's the best way to put it.
I was thinking tonight of the "good ol' days" when I had a pleasant conversation with Alita about her hair, just chatting, sort of in a wistful way like I had somehow screwed things up in the mean time.
Yeah, that was a week ago yesterday. And she's been in California since Wednesday.
So why am I wistful...because such a simple conversation is so rare I suppose. All the energy flying around during that evening, and I felt...enabled? To talk to her about something so simple in a calm manner. I was thinking about that this evening. I feel this compulsion to be animated, brought on by anxiety I think, social anxiety. Beta blockers help but they're not a panacea.
Then there's the other answer I thought up today: I project onto them my own insecurities, make them out to be angry at me when I'm the one that's angry at me, where the idea is if they're not being friendly to be they're a blank slate I can use to project self-hatred at me. That's pretty expected considering I feel anxiety where there isn't any, anger on their part towards me where there's really none to be had.
Wow, that was alot. And a little unsettling, but I feel better.
That's the best way to put it.
I was thinking tonight of the "good ol' days" when I had a pleasant conversation with Alita about her hair, just chatting, sort of in a wistful way like I had somehow screwed things up in the mean time.
Yeah, that was a week ago yesterday. And she's been in California since Wednesday.
So why am I wistful...because such a simple conversation is so rare I suppose. All the energy flying around during that evening, and I felt...enabled? To talk to her about something so simple in a calm manner. I was thinking about that this evening. I feel this compulsion to be animated, brought on by anxiety I think, social anxiety. Beta blockers help but they're not a panacea.
Then there's the other answer I thought up today: I project onto them my own insecurities, make them out to be angry at me when I'm the one that's angry at me, where the idea is if they're not being friendly to be they're a blank slate I can use to project self-hatred at me. That's pretty expected considering I feel anxiety where there isn't any, anger on their part towards me where there's really none to be had.
Wow, that was alot. And a little unsettling, but I feel better.