so much to say so i guess i'll say it
ok well loads of stuff has happened...i guess the oldest thing so far was when i went ot great adventure on the 25th,with kevin,amanda and owen and sum other dude, it was fun but there were no lines so we went on just about everything and it got boring fast... we went on Nitro and right b4 the drop kevin asked me out, he planned it all out and i think it was a kool way of asking me out, i smiled and laughed and said yes and went down that stupid drop lol, on the way home kev had corny music playing it was pretty funny... hmm ok lets see since then... um... my dog almost got put down 2 days ago or so, spent the whole day really scared and sad, she couldn't move at all she spent the whole day laying down in one spot, despite me hating dogs ,and mine r annoying i grew up with that dog since day 1, so now she's on medication and what not, but 2 weeks or so she will have to be put down, but after today we're thinking sooner then later, she got stuck under the deck all day no water or food, and we couldn't get her out luckily she was right by a basement window and we had to break the jamm open to get her out, ugh... and my sister idk if i posted it yet but she's left to do drugs again, and for the past few days she's been in a psychiate ward... there's 2 ways she could have gotten in there... suicide(which she's tried already) or she went nuts and the cops took her(which she has done when she's off her medication) tomorrow is her birthday, and i gave her all her presents already and this time i cant watch her die, and wonder where she is, if she has food, if she's putting drugs into her veins at the momment, i use to hate going out to eat everytime for a year i'd get sick and cry cuz i had guilt that she was out on the streets with nothing, dirty clothes, no where to sleep, how could she go back to that life for the 4th time dammit, WHY, whats so good about putting that shit in u, ur problems r still there come morning, i'm getting so upset right now, i wanna die, there's 2 much problems, i feel empty and alone, and i want a good relationship, not just boyfriend wise, but with my mother, and i need a best friend, sum1 who will sit thru my ramblings and tell me they're there for me, and even if it wont be okay they'll see me thru it, and i think i've been like that to alot of people but i think i got it back from only paul,ugh i need a hug, i need to feel wanted, i had a best friend way back in 5th grade, and i let it slip away, and since then other friendships haven't quite been the same, on the outside its best friends but beyond that its nothing deep and real... i went into highschool hoping to find myself, get new and different friends, my mom told me of her old days in school and her 2 best friends, and i envied that kind of friendship since i was little, i gained and lost alot of friends and i guess in the end i lost hope of ever bonding to sum1, ugh its been a long night, and i'm fighting back tears, i feel like everything is falling apart, but i cant go back and i dont wanna go back everything is different and i'll make it thru it sumhow its just hurting really bad, i thought i had my sister back, like my life had been restored and all those years of not knowing where she was or worse knowing where was and not wanting to, and seeing her behind glass at jail ,my little light of hope and salvation is gone, now in the darkness alone and i'll admit it i'm afraid, atleast when things go dim i know the light was close and i could see alittle, but now i'm blinded, and i'm hurting, and i've gotten so good at not showing it that no1 knows hows i feel and i know i'm gonna burst on sum1, sum1 that i shouldn't have, or maybe i'll keep it all to myself and go back to days in 8th grade where i was so unhappy my only escape to me was death or cutting, and i dont wanna go down like that, thats a apart of me i dont wanna be again, but i'm sick of hiding behind a smile, but i cant stop it its automatic with me, anyway 2mrw is Ang's birthday and i dont wanna be home maybe i'll go to kevin cuz i cant be here to watch my mom cry, but i'm being selfish and i probably shouldn't leave her alone, but i can help it she drags me down, and i wanna be selfish, i wanna be happy, and here i am again depending on sum1 else to make me happy, i dont think i ever made myself happy, its sucks, life sucks and i hate myself, and now i'm being hit on, and i cant understand why, i dont have nething special to offer, i'm not drop dead gorgous, always happy and smiling, i'm not perfect and i'm not like any of those pretty girls in school, smiling, gossiping, it amazes me how i ever get boyfriends, maybe its all sexual, maybe i'm nothing but a goal to be another notch on their bedpost, what makes me me? i really just dont know, i look at myself and the things that i do, and i feel like i'm dooed to be my sister and i feel like i'm pressured to not be, and i feel like the walls r closing in on me, and its getting hard for me to breathe, in a couple of days i have my doctors appointment, and then i'll know if i'm going to be hospitalized, and sure whoever is readint this is thinking nah its not gonna happen i'm okay, but i get these sharp pains in my side and my gut, and then i start to black out and i feel heavy and it gets hard to breathe, idk if i'm going to tell my doctor about this,i'm just gonna hope the tests come back okay, the last time i was in a hospital i was sceaming at my sister "I HATE YOU, I HATE YOU!" as she layed in the hospital bed after trying to kill herself, ugh look at this long entry, i guess its like the oart in the movie The Hours when the writer gets asked why does poet have to die, and in response she says for everyone else to value life, i'm not a good person i really wish i was, i'm doomed to be unhappy and if it exists hell, i'm horrible, i hate me, i hate me