Holy Guardian Angel- a retrospective
It's been almost two years since I finished my HGA working, and those two years have been pretty much the most dramatic upheaval of my life. After I left my (shitty) job (that I hated), and correspondingly lost my (incredibly overpriced) apartment, my time in the wilderness was long and difficult. I went from a guy who was very used to living alone, in my own place, to all kinds of different and uncomfortable living situations. It got dark for a while, but hope dawned in due time. I got a new (awesome) job (that I love) and a new (reasonably priced) place on my own once again. It's not quite "everything old is new again," but at least I've regained some stability... you know... two years later.
As I see this anniversary coming up, I have to ask myself... exactly what did the working do for me? How did it change my life?
I described the culminating events of that working (http://starchamber007.livejournal.com/278053.html) but in a more practical sense, what took place? It prompted me to construct my own productions of the Enochian watchtowers which, while admittedly crude, served their purpose in their time. Being only own cardboard and paper, they were really only good for that one working. I do not sense any vitality in them now, but they prompted me to confront the Four Great Devils.
From the Lightbringer I learned the art of the deal, in a very profound way. Because we were trading horses, so to speak, he forced me to ask the question "is there anyone I really WANT to literally go to Hell?" And to consider who that might be. Even if it was just a mental practice it would be an interesting one, but the spiritual force behind this working was undeniable. That gave it a kind of weight that a simple psychological question simply does not have. In addition, I learned caution. Working with the Goetia for years gave me a false sense of security when dealing with these entities. I was given cause to remember why he was a GREAT devil.
From the Enemy, I learned the foolishness of denying the roots of magick. I also learned how demons can lie with the truth. He told me something about someone in my life that I really didn't want to hear. I should have realized it was true right away, but because of the source I was suspicious. I wound up letting that person take advantage of me in a way I never normally would, because the source of information left me in denial of the truth of it. When I finally accepted what was happening I can't help but feel he won a victory. He and I are not finished. I'll have revenge for that. I did learn something though. When confronting an entity of this nature one must leave NOTHING to chance. Each time I invoked it, all manner of silly interruptions and interferences cropped up. In addition, it was a solid smack in the face, reminding me to look at what is rather than what I want to see. I knew I was being lied to by this person. I know that I knew it, but refused to accept it.
From the Many I learned to focus. I couldn't confront it on this plane, so it forced me on to the astral, which was a mistake. I should have gone to a more appropriate place. If it wasn't for Auriel, who my angel prompted me to invoke before disaster struck, I would have failed utterly. The most significant thing that happened there was that I finally renounced the line of Adam. I will not work the earth, but I will make the sacrifice of blood, even to the last drop. I received the Mark of Cain, and swore an oath to devote myself ultimately and utterly to crossing the abyss, with all that Liber CLVI implies.
I still haven't met the one without a master. Amoun Ra was clear that he would come in the form of a human man, and identified the person who would introduce him to me. What form our confrontation will take is not clear to me, but I expect it to take place soon, around the Equinox.
After that, it's to the Lord of Dispersion. Liber Ararita has been my main focus in terms of the Holy Books. I've taken to reciting it after the invocation of the Bornless One, which has been very helpful in unlocking the meaning within.
Right now my main focus is to find some way to reach 6=5 legitimately. I suspect that there are two problems, both of which require me to involve other people in my work, which I am always loathe to do. Of course, the A:.A:. does require this for reasons, so I must overcome my loathing and get on with the Great Work. That isn't easy, but now that I have regained some kind of stability in my life (really only in the last few weeks) it should come a bit more easily.
Should. But we'll see what happens. I want into the R:.C:. I've lingered on the outside too long. But until I get some kind of sign that I've done everything I need to do (which simply has not yet come) I'm stuck. My angel is some help. He's been clear about the problem. When I developed phimosis back in 2009, I acquired the tendency to withdraw and hesitate. I had this as a child, but overcame it in my early twenties. The disease brought it back, and it seems that it will take some sort of radical change to kick it out again. It seems like there's always been SOMETHING weighing on me since then. Intellectually knowing that this is a problem does me no good. Rituals haven't been able to change things. I suspect it will take more than this, or that there is some factor I am missing. It baffles me that I can comfortably get up in front of a group of people and deliver a lecture, or go on stage to tell jokes, or whatever, but the most simple basics of life fill me with a sense of dead weight, and I find it takes a Herculean effort to address even the most trivial things. I spend too much time in bed and not enough time asleep. My angel tells me that this will pass when I'm done with this task of the Great Devils. I hope he's right.
And... that's like, where I'm at, yo.
As I see this anniversary coming up, I have to ask myself... exactly what did the working do for me? How did it change my life?
I described the culminating events of that working (http://starchamber007.livejournal.com/278053.html) but in a more practical sense, what took place? It prompted me to construct my own productions of the Enochian watchtowers which, while admittedly crude, served their purpose in their time. Being only own cardboard and paper, they were really only good for that one working. I do not sense any vitality in them now, but they prompted me to confront the Four Great Devils.
From the Lightbringer I learned the art of the deal, in a very profound way. Because we were trading horses, so to speak, he forced me to ask the question "is there anyone I really WANT to literally go to Hell?" And to consider who that might be. Even if it was just a mental practice it would be an interesting one, but the spiritual force behind this working was undeniable. That gave it a kind of weight that a simple psychological question simply does not have. In addition, I learned caution. Working with the Goetia for years gave me a false sense of security when dealing with these entities. I was given cause to remember why he was a GREAT devil.
From the Enemy, I learned the foolishness of denying the roots of magick. I also learned how demons can lie with the truth. He told me something about someone in my life that I really didn't want to hear. I should have realized it was true right away, but because of the source I was suspicious. I wound up letting that person take advantage of me in a way I never normally would, because the source of information left me in denial of the truth of it. When I finally accepted what was happening I can't help but feel he won a victory. He and I are not finished. I'll have revenge for that. I did learn something though. When confronting an entity of this nature one must leave NOTHING to chance. Each time I invoked it, all manner of silly interruptions and interferences cropped up. In addition, it was a solid smack in the face, reminding me to look at what is rather than what I want to see. I knew I was being lied to by this person. I know that I knew it, but refused to accept it.
From the Many I learned to focus. I couldn't confront it on this plane, so it forced me on to the astral, which was a mistake. I should have gone to a more appropriate place. If it wasn't for Auriel, who my angel prompted me to invoke before disaster struck, I would have failed utterly. The most significant thing that happened there was that I finally renounced the line of Adam. I will not work the earth, but I will make the sacrifice of blood, even to the last drop. I received the Mark of Cain, and swore an oath to devote myself ultimately and utterly to crossing the abyss, with all that Liber CLVI implies.
I still haven't met the one without a master. Amoun Ra was clear that he would come in the form of a human man, and identified the person who would introduce him to me. What form our confrontation will take is not clear to me, but I expect it to take place soon, around the Equinox.
After that, it's to the Lord of Dispersion. Liber Ararita has been my main focus in terms of the Holy Books. I've taken to reciting it after the invocation of the Bornless One, which has been very helpful in unlocking the meaning within.
Right now my main focus is to find some way to reach 6=5 legitimately. I suspect that there are two problems, both of which require me to involve other people in my work, which I am always loathe to do. Of course, the A:.A:. does require this for reasons, so I must overcome my loathing and get on with the Great Work. That isn't easy, but now that I have regained some kind of stability in my life (really only in the last few weeks) it should come a bit more easily.
Should. But we'll see what happens. I want into the R:.C:. I've lingered on the outside too long. But until I get some kind of sign that I've done everything I need to do (which simply has not yet come) I'm stuck. My angel is some help. He's been clear about the problem. When I developed phimosis back in 2009, I acquired the tendency to withdraw and hesitate. I had this as a child, but overcame it in my early twenties. The disease brought it back, and it seems that it will take some sort of radical change to kick it out again. It seems like there's always been SOMETHING weighing on me since then. Intellectually knowing that this is a problem does me no good. Rituals haven't been able to change things. I suspect it will take more than this, or that there is some factor I am missing. It baffles me that I can comfortably get up in front of a group of people and deliver a lecture, or go on stage to tell jokes, or whatever, but the most simple basics of life fill me with a sense of dead weight, and I find it takes a Herculean effort to address even the most trivial things. I spend too much time in bed and not enough time asleep. My angel tells me that this will pass when I'm done with this task of the Great Devils. I hope he's right.
And... that's like, where I'm at, yo.