Scorpions: A critique
I am cooler than Scorpions
Scorpions, as a species, are not as cool as everybody thinks they are. Ooo! Check out scorpions! They have stingy tails and sweet chitinous bodies. Let’s all pop a fucking boner for scorpions. But the reality is bleak. Scorpions are losers. How many scorpions ever wrote a symphony? How many scorpions ever built the Colossus of Rhodes? None. How many scorpions ever sailed around the world? Even less. No scorpions have ever flown to the moon in rocket ships. Fuck scorpions. They’re posers. I, one single human being, have accomplished more than scorpions ever will. No scorpions ever wrote articles like this. I have peed in my pants several times in my adult life, and yet, I still have more awesome in my little finger than the entire Subphylum Chelicerata. Scorpions can eat my dick. But they shouldn’t, because that would suck and I would totally squash them before they got the chance. I can do that. Because I am not lame like scorpions.
Having claws, in and of itself, does not make you awesome. I could have claws if I wanted to, but I don’t want to have claws, so I don’t have claws. If I did have claws, they would be cooler than the scorpion’s claws, more like a fiddler crab or a sweet-looking alien with claws’ claws. My claws would be the claws of justice. They would be made of guitar-solos and have the clamping power of a million dying suns. Not like scorpion claws, which probably couldn’t rip the dick off of a hedgehog.
Scorpions are basically God’s drunk-dial. When you call your ex-girlfriend seventeen times at four in the morning because you’ve been pounding back rum since four in the afternoon, what you are doing is what scorpions ARE, but they are a species instead of something stupid you did on Saturday night. That makes them bigger losers than the guy who eats his nose goblins and sleeps at the bus stop. As far as I can tell, it’s like this: Trekkies, Everyone Named Leroy, Rodeo Clown, Scorpions. This is the food chain of cool. Scorpions can be cooler than some rodeo clowns, but only when ringed with fire. Food chains are counterintuitive like that.
If I had a tail with a stinger on it, it would shoot beams of death from afar. Scorpions can’t kill you with their tails, no matter what movie said they could. They just make you puke and itch, which is ridiculously stupid as hell. “Hey buddy! I’m a scorpion! I look kind of like an evil robot, but I’m actually an arachnid. My tail looks like the rocket launcher on the coolest UFO you’ve ever seen, but it can’t do shit. Ever wandered into some poison ivy? Well… yeah… that’s way worse than what this puppy can manage.” That is my impression of a scorpion being honest about its lameness. I used a stupid sounding voice.
If there was a Nobel prize for being a useless bottom-feeding freak of nature, it would be awarded to Adam Sandler, but scorpions would deserve it more. They would show up at his house, drunk, at four in the morning, and they would be like “what the fuck?” and he would be like “dude, I know.” And he would give them the award out of honor for their shit. At least somebody respects scorpions.
Somebody that isn’t me.
Scorpions, as a species, are not as cool as everybody thinks they are. Ooo! Check out scorpions! They have stingy tails and sweet chitinous bodies. Let’s all pop a fucking boner for scorpions. But the reality is bleak. Scorpions are losers. How many scorpions ever wrote a symphony? How many scorpions ever built the Colossus of Rhodes? None. How many scorpions ever sailed around the world? Even less. No scorpions have ever flown to the moon in rocket ships. Fuck scorpions. They’re posers. I, one single human being, have accomplished more than scorpions ever will. No scorpions ever wrote articles like this. I have peed in my pants several times in my adult life, and yet, I still have more awesome in my little finger than the entire Subphylum Chelicerata. Scorpions can eat my dick. But they shouldn’t, because that would suck and I would totally squash them before they got the chance. I can do that. Because I am not lame like scorpions.
Having claws, in and of itself, does not make you awesome. I could have claws if I wanted to, but I don’t want to have claws, so I don’t have claws. If I did have claws, they would be cooler than the scorpion’s claws, more like a fiddler crab or a sweet-looking alien with claws’ claws. My claws would be the claws of justice. They would be made of guitar-solos and have the clamping power of a million dying suns. Not like scorpion claws, which probably couldn’t rip the dick off of a hedgehog.
Scorpions are basically God’s drunk-dial. When you call your ex-girlfriend seventeen times at four in the morning because you’ve been pounding back rum since four in the afternoon, what you are doing is what scorpions ARE, but they are a species instead of something stupid you did on Saturday night. That makes them bigger losers than the guy who eats his nose goblins and sleeps at the bus stop. As far as I can tell, it’s like this: Trekkies, Everyone Named Leroy, Rodeo Clown, Scorpions. This is the food chain of cool. Scorpions can be cooler than some rodeo clowns, but only when ringed with fire. Food chains are counterintuitive like that.
If I had a tail with a stinger on it, it would shoot beams of death from afar. Scorpions can’t kill you with their tails, no matter what movie said they could. They just make you puke and itch, which is ridiculously stupid as hell. “Hey buddy! I’m a scorpion! I look kind of like an evil robot, but I’m actually an arachnid. My tail looks like the rocket launcher on the coolest UFO you’ve ever seen, but it can’t do shit. Ever wandered into some poison ivy? Well… yeah… that’s way worse than what this puppy can manage.” That is my impression of a scorpion being honest about its lameness. I used a stupid sounding voice.
If there was a Nobel prize for being a useless bottom-feeding freak of nature, it would be awarded to Adam Sandler, but scorpions would deserve it more. They would show up at his house, drunk, at four in the morning, and they would be like “what the fuck?” and he would be like “dude, I know.” And he would give them the award out of honor for their shit. At least somebody respects scorpions.
Somebody that isn’t me.