so its been a long time
So here i am again. again again actually. i never keep up with these things, but i might as well try. so life...its moving. everything i do this year just seems to be pointless - like i don't know what i'm doing or why in the hell i'm doing it. i started reevaluating what i want, and to tell the truth i'm not sure anymore. everything i always assumed i wanted has ended up being what other people ave wanted FOR me, and its just not what i am. and the drama thing this year just sucks. a lot. i just can't deal with all the crap in there this year. i don't like the people or the egos or the constant bs that seems to be the norm. and i look back on the person i was freshmen year - the party girl and what not - it's not as bad as i once thought, but i'm not evwn friends with most of those people anymore. i mean, there's alexa, but we barely talk anymore, and she was like my best friend. and i feel bad, because i kinda feel like i chose the wrong path, and i ignored those people for drama, and now i just...i can't win. i always second guess my self on stuff like this. if i could have anything in the world, i would have the ability to know which decision is right. but there isn't a right. just wrongs. and i hate that. or, if i can't have the right, i just wish that i had the courage to stand behind my decisions. i can't stay ma at people, and i'm the one who usually ends up apologizing. even if i didn't do anything wrong. and i do wrong stuff a lot, but sometimes...its not me...and its not my fault. and people just think if they ignore something long enough, it will disappear, but it doesn't. it's still there, its just quiet. and there is so much quiet in me that it is screaming and it takes so much to smile and get up every morning and play this little part that everybody expects of me, has already typecasted me as. so i smile as i wake and scream as i sleep. grrr.
-bethany
-bethany