Wow.
It has been forever since I have written in here. I have so many crazy things to tell you, and I hope over the course of the next few weeks I can start to put more of the pieces of my life together on here.
So you ask, what can I tell you now that you might not already know??? I've been idly sitting here this evening imagine myself bundled in your arms... you brush my hair and tell me that you want me to be happy. Can't you see my heart aches for you? It wasnt supposed to be like this with me filling in the shoes of another when she cant be around. Alone and sorrowful, I feel like I am caught in an infinite loop of sadness and hurt and nothing that I seem to do rectifies it. At a time when I am working out and starting to get back in shape.... when I should be enjoying my single-ness and dating... it seems like my door is sadly dark and waiting for the day to come when you come to me and tell me that you are all mine. Attached is not what I want to be, to someone whom can't see the value I can be and the positivity that radiates from me. And although I think you might think you see me for me, there is a possibility that I am nothing more than a good time to be had. My personal worth has diminished to nothing over all this time and now sadly.... I'm nothing more than the one who JUST ISN'T good enough. Maybe I find you so appealing because you say all the things that a man should say to a lady.... the things I need to hear, the things I long to be apart of.... the love that I so desperately feel....I thought I deserved. When I view through the looking glass, I see a sad girl who is barely breathing... a small girl who just wants to be loved and maybe going about it all the wrong way. Who would have thought... Me, the person who never went single, the person who had men line up for her, would be alone and lonely when even those who were the meanest, cruelest people have found some kind of love. Its moments like this that I wonder if I have not just done everything in life that I have been destined to do and that I am just prolonging a situation that doesnt need to continue for myself. Maybe this is it? Maybe I have lived the best part of my life and seen and done all that I needed to do. I don't want to be miserable.... I've lost my passion.... my desire.... my ability to feel beautiful, needed or wanted. I feel as though my sole purpose now is to be here to provide for those around me and hope that one day things might look up again. Alone in this world, I continue to forge forward and be that light for those around me whom need it..... but can't they see the facade? Can't they see that I so desperately need something? Without a best friend to lean on, without a boyfriend to be cared by.... without my family near me.... who am I? Who have I become? Where did this person go that loved life and laughter..... Ive been looking for her for years and I'm afraid she's forgotten what its like to live.
Until we meet again Livejournal. Wait until you hear the stories I have to tell you... Between witnessing a shooting of a fellow co-manager, being laid off from the job that should have supported me, having all of my hair fall out, leaving a boyfriend that just didnt appreciate me the way he should after 9 years, after having my two best friends leave me.... being diagnosed with Post tramatic stress disorder, after having brain attacks.... ending up with my thyroid condition.... life should start to get better right???
So you ask, what can I tell you now that you might not already know??? I've been idly sitting here this evening imagine myself bundled in your arms... you brush my hair and tell me that you want me to be happy. Can't you see my heart aches for you? It wasnt supposed to be like this with me filling in the shoes of another when she cant be around. Alone and sorrowful, I feel like I am caught in an infinite loop of sadness and hurt and nothing that I seem to do rectifies it. At a time when I am working out and starting to get back in shape.... when I should be enjoying my single-ness and dating... it seems like my door is sadly dark and waiting for the day to come when you come to me and tell me that you are all mine. Attached is not what I want to be, to someone whom can't see the value I can be and the positivity that radiates from me. And although I think you might think you see me for me, there is a possibility that I am nothing more than a good time to be had. My personal worth has diminished to nothing over all this time and now sadly.... I'm nothing more than the one who JUST ISN'T good enough. Maybe I find you so appealing because you say all the things that a man should say to a lady.... the things I need to hear, the things I long to be apart of.... the love that I so desperately feel....I thought I deserved. When I view through the looking glass, I see a sad girl who is barely breathing... a small girl who just wants to be loved and maybe going about it all the wrong way. Who would have thought... Me, the person who never went single, the person who had men line up for her, would be alone and lonely when even those who were the meanest, cruelest people have found some kind of love. Its moments like this that I wonder if I have not just done everything in life that I have been destined to do and that I am just prolonging a situation that doesnt need to continue for myself. Maybe this is it? Maybe I have lived the best part of my life and seen and done all that I needed to do. I don't want to be miserable.... I've lost my passion.... my desire.... my ability to feel beautiful, needed or wanted. I feel as though my sole purpose now is to be here to provide for those around me and hope that one day things might look up again. Alone in this world, I continue to forge forward and be that light for those around me whom need it..... but can't they see the facade? Can't they see that I so desperately need something? Without a best friend to lean on, without a boyfriend to be cared by.... without my family near me.... who am I? Who have I become? Where did this person go that loved life and laughter..... Ive been looking for her for years and I'm afraid she's forgotten what its like to live.
Until we meet again Livejournal. Wait until you hear the stories I have to tell you... Between witnessing a shooting of a fellow co-manager, being laid off from the job that should have supported me, having all of my hair fall out, leaving a boyfriend that just didnt appreciate me the way he should after 9 years, after having my two best friends leave me.... being diagnosed with Post tramatic stress disorder, after having brain attacks.... ending up with my thyroid condition.... life should start to get better right???