[fic] part two
title: The Bridge Between (a.k.a Fic of Doom) || part two
rating: R
fandom: Super Junior
pairing: Shiwon/Hyukjae/Donghae (and all in between)
notes: this is for aconite and phasera; if they'd never harassed me into finishing it, I wouldn't have. This is horrible. 2 years old, and it reads like that. OOC (this is before we really knew what Shiwon and Hyukjae are like) illogical, overdramatic and the dialogue sucks. I don't even know.
I don't write like this anymore, this is so shameful >> you can't judge me for this.
Shiwon doesn’t often think about why he does the things he does. He isn’t the introspective, deep thinking type. Usually, he just knows what he wants and does it. What is there to think about?
But lately, lately, he does find himself thinking and wondering about things. Though, there are really only two main things on his mind at the moment: Hyukjae and Donghae.
He and Hyukjae have been best friends since school, there had even been a point in time when they’d been practically inseparable, and not a day had passed when Hyukjae or Shiwon hadn’t been over one or the other’s house. They’d been such close friends for so long that they’d decided to move in together in the first place, because it would be fun, as well as financially cheaper for the both of them.
But it isn’t always so much fun anymore. Their friendship had been slowly deteriorating for a little while now, and Shiwon is starting to wonder if perhaps it’s his fault. Or some of it, at least. He knows, has known for a long time, that Hyukjae is less than happy with the way Shiwon conducts himself sometimes, but the reason why is something Shiwon isn’t so easily ready to admit to knowing just yet.
Donghae has helped, partially, to mend the break in their friendship and bring them back together. But he’ll also helping to split them up further, if they aren’t careful.
And Shiwon is only just beginning to realise any of this now, or let himself realise any of this.
Besides Hyukjae, and feelings Shiwon won’t let himself feel and won’t admit to feeling, he’s had Donghae on his mind a lot too, wondering just what his other friend means to him, what he wants Donghae to mean to him.
He’s come to the conclusion that he’s not sure. He’s not sure at all. For once in his life, Shiwon doesn’t know what he wants, or what he wants to do. And he finds it frustrating, so frustrating. He just wants them all to be happy, really, mostly. The times when it’s just the three of them, getting along, having fun, laughing and just being friends together, those are the times Shiwon likes best, the times he realises when he’s happiest. Why can’t they be like that all the time?
Because of Hyukjae. Because of himself. It was the two of them causing the problems, and Shiwon knows this. Hyukjae because he just can’t get over Shiwon’s lack of commitment, and seems to be completely jealous (of Shiwon? Of Donghae?) And Shiwon because he just can’t bring himself to do what Hyukjae wants, and doesn’t even know what he wants himself (Donghae? Hyukjae?)
Neither of them seem to know, or are prepared, to take the next step to fix their friendship. Or admit that it actually needs some fixing.
This, all of this, and more, is what Shiwon finds himself thinking as he comes home that evening and finds Hyukjae and Donghae curled up on the couch together watching television. Hyukjae has his arm affectionately draped over Donghae’s shoulder and Donghae is leaning comfortably against him. They both look so relaxed, so comfortable, so normal. For the first time Shiwon finds himself wondering if perhaps there is more between them both than just friendship. He would have said ‘no’ before, knowing the way Hyukjae thinks (and - not admittedly - knowing the way Hyukjae feels) but now, after he sees this sight, he can’t help but wonder, and makes that ‘no’ a ‘maybe’ instead.
It’s been a long time, almost a scarily long time, since Shiwon saw such a look of peace and ease on Hyukjae’s face, and all because of Donghae.
Shiwon’s about to step further into the room and make his presence known, when he realises that Hyukjae and Donghae aren’t actually watching TV; they’ve both fallen asleep.
So Shiwon stands there silently and watches them, just for a little bit. He finds himself wishing that he was a part of it, and then he wonders if maybe that’s what he really wants. Maybe, his feelings of indecision aren’t really indecision at all; maybe, just maybe, Shiwon wants both of them.
He’s not entirely sure, but what Shiwon does know as he watches the sight before him, he doesn’t feel jealous, not in the normal sense of the word, just … left out. He wants to be a part of it.
*
“Hyuk?” Donghae’s voice comes out a quiet whisper in the dark; well, you are supposed to whisper in the dark, after all. Something about the lack of light seems to dull sounds. Something about it also seems to make intimacies and feelings so much easier to talk about. The dark makes you feel safe, hidden.
“Yeah?” Hyukjae sounds sleepy, as if Donghae’s soft whisper has just pulled him back from the brink of sleep.
Donghae seems to realise this and apologizes. “Sorry, were you sleeping? Never mind, go back to sleep.”
Hyukjae reaches out and whacks Donghae, rather half-heartedly, on the arm. “Shut up. What did you want to say?”
Donghae shifts a little, turning in the arms Hyukjae has wrapped around him. Hyukjae soon got used to how Donghae likes to cuddle in bed, and doesn’t really mind it anymore. He actually quite likes how it feels to fall asleep holding someone in his arms and have them hold him back.
“I was just thinking …” Hyukjae can’t hear Donghae, his voice muffled by the skin Donghae’s face is pressed again.
“Can’t hear you, Hae. Move a little.”
Donghae shifts again, raising his face from Hyukjae’s chest. “I was thinking, and, just wondering, what’s your one true dream?” One of his arms worms its way around Hyukjae’s waist as he speaks.
“Huh?”
Donghae laughs a little before continuing in a more serious whisper. “I mean, you know, that one thing you dream about having or getting,” he explains. “Like, I used to think my one dream in life was to get married and have kids and all that, you know? But then I realised that was only my parents dream for me, not my own.”
“What’s your dream now then?”
Donghae’s quiet for a moment and Hyukjae can feel the bare, faint touch of fingers as Donghae brushes his hand along Hyukjae’s side. It makes him shiver a little, but he doesn’t mind.
“Now? My dream, my own dream, is just to fall in love, and be happy.”
It sounds so simple but they both know that it’s not.
“So, what’s yours?” Donghae asks again.
“Hmm…” As Hyukjae considers how to answer the fingers of one hand casually, and absently, start running themselves through Donghae’s hair. “I’m not really sure,” he answers after a moment. “I guess it’s just to be successful, healthy and happy.”
“Don’t you want to fall in love?”
Without thinking, Hyukjae almost finds himself saying ‘I already am’ but manages to stop himself in time. “I never really thought about it too much,” he says somewhat evasively, hoping to put Donghae off the subject of love.
Not much luck there; Donghae’s a romantic at heart. “Have you ever been in love before?”
“I don’t know.” Hyukjae’s not sure how to answer, and he’s never been one to talk much about his feelings anyway, he’d always found it difficult.
He absently finds himself thinking how soft the strands of Donghae’s hair feel as they slip so smoothly between his fingers. He doesn’t notice the content sigh Donghae makes at this.
“I have.” Donghae’s voice is so quiet as he says this that Hyukjae instinctively feels his other arm tighten its hold around Donghae, as if perhaps it’s a painful memory and Hyukjae wants to protect him from it.
“You’re allowed to love whoever you want to, Donghae,” Hyukjae finds himself saying. “Love is a good thing. Whoever you choose is going to be very lucky.”
He isn’t even sure why he’s saying any of this, or if he even believes it himself. Maybe Hyukjae said it because he thinks it’s true for Donghae. Or maybe he said it because he wishes it could be true for himself. Or maybe he doesn’t even know why he said it.
It doesn’t seem to matter though, because he knows he made Donghae happy by saying it. It really is a lot easier to say things in the dark, because Hyukjae never would have said it if Donghae could see him.
Donghae shifts again, just a little, and leans up, trying to find Hyukjae’s face in the dark. He fails, and ends up kissing Hyukjae’s ear instead of his cheek. “Thanks, Hyuk. I’m really lucky to have a friend like you.” He kisses Hyukjae again, which makes Hyukjae’s cheeks flush slightly, glad that Donghae can’t see in the dark.
*
“Wait, wait, the birthday boy needs his picture taken!” Shiwon claims, grabbing up Donghae’s new camera.
It’s Donghae’s birthday and it was just ten minutes prior that the three of them had stumbled into the apartment, drunk off their faces.
It had turned out to be a pretty good night overall, although not without a couple of glitches. The first had been when Donghae had come home from work and finally said something about the tension between Shiwon and Hyukjae; they hadn’t spoken to each other for over a day. Donghae still had no idea their argument had, for the most part, been about him, but he’d told them to make up and be friends again; ‘birthday boy’s orders’.
After that things had gone normally and quite well, until they were at the bar and Hyukjae had caught Donghae checking his phone a little too often. Donghae had explained that he’d hoped maybe on his birthday his mother at least might have said something. This had provoked a number of drinks, some drunken rounds of karaoke and a pool game that Hyukjae was sure Shiwon had cheated at to win.
It’s late by the time they get back to the apartment but none of them are ready to end the night just yet. Things are, for the moment, being like they should - could - be between them all.
“Not by myself! Hyuk, come here!” Donghae grabs Hyukjae and pulls him into the picture with him, laughing, although the laugh sounded suspiciously closer to a giggle.
Shiwon and Hyukjae switch places a moment later, and just as Hyukjae takes the picture Shiwon leans over and presses a firm kiss to Donghae’s cheek. Donghae flushes slightly as he insists on having a picture of all three of them now.
“I think I’ll head off to bed,” Hyukjae says before anymore pictures can be taken. “Happy birthday, Donghae.”
He says it so abruptly and looks so obviously irritated by something that Donghae, confused, asks, “what’s wrong, Hyuk?”
Hyukjae just shakes his head and makes to go to his room but Donghae’s hand on his arm stops him. Before Donghae can repeat his question Hyukjae says, “I just figure Shiwon will want some privacy to give you another present.” He says this so scathingly that Donghae practically flinches simply from his tone of voice.
“But Shiwon already gave me my present, you saw it.”
Shiwon snorts and shakes his head. “You’re really something else, Hyukjae. Didn’t I tell you not to spoil today?”
“Which is exactly why I’m leaving, so I don’t spoil anything else you have planned.”
Donghae, completely confused, looks from Shiwon to Hyukjae, trying to understand what exactly is going on.
Perhaps it’s with aid from the alcohol that any of this is actually being spoken about, especially in front of Donghae. Neither Shiwon nor Hyukjae seem able to keep quiet about this any longer though.
“Seriously, what the fuck is your problem here, Hyukjae? You’re really starting to piss me off with all this.”
“Oh, I’m only just starting? Sorry, I meant to piss you off long before now.”
“Sarcasm doesn’t suit you.”
“Hey, hey! What’s going on here?” But neither of them hears nor takes any notice of Donghae. The two of them have been building up to this fight for awhile now, they can’t be interrupted now.
“You know what, just do what you want, Shiwon. I can’t be bothered to try with you anymore.”
“Fuck, Jae! This is getting ridiculous now, who are you jealous of here?”
It’s most definitely because of the alcohol that Hyukjae says what he says. He never would have admitted it if he hadn’t been drinking. “Both of you! Alright, I’m jealous of both of you, and I hate it.” His eyes widen when he realises just what he’s gone and said, and just what it means.
Donghae stares at him, equally wide-eyed and surprised, but Shiwon just looks satisfied.
“There, was that so hard to admit to?” He really probably shouldn’t have said it, especially since he knows the way Hyukjae thinks, so he knows exactly why this has been bugging him so much, but hey, Shiwon’s drunk too, and not necessarily thinking before he speaks either.
“Fuck you, Shiwon,” Hyukjae angrily spits out, glaring at him. “You can have Donghae and do with him what you do to everyone else. Happy now?”
“Fuck the both of you!” Both Shiwon and Hyukjae stare at Donghae; it’s such a surprise to hear him even remotely angry. “Have either of you stopped to think about me in all of this?” It’s clear by their blank looks that they haven’t, and Donghae sighs in frustration. “Is this what all your fighting has been about lately?”
Shrugging slightly, Shiwon says, “mostly, yeah.”
Donghae rolls his eyes slightly and looks at the both of them. “Did either of you think to ask me how I might have felt? Instead of just assuming I don’t have a mind of my own.” He takes a moment to give each of them an angry glare, because Donghae certainly doesn’t appreciate being thought of as some kind of mindless object to be ‘had’ by anyone.
After a moment, Shiwon says, “well, how do you feel about it?”
“About what exactly? That you both like me?”
Hyukjae averts his eyes, uncomfortable now that it’s actually been mentioned, and Shiwon nods his head.
By now they are all not quite sober, but much less drunk than when they came home, but alcohol still must be playing a part for Donghae to speak so calmly and casually.
“I like you both.” Both Shiwon and Hyukjae just look at him silently, so Donghae reiterates, “I want both of you.” Now he actually shows signs of embarrassment over admitting this and feels his cheeks flush with colour.
Shiwon, looking the least affected of them all, smiles a little as he says, “well, that sorts everything out then.” He doesn’t sound like he’s being sarcastic.
“What? But that leaves us with the same problem.”
“Why, Jae?” Shiwon asks, turning to look at him. “We both want him, he wants us both, and I know you like me,” this was the closest either of them had ever come to mentioning how Hyukjae feels about Shiwon, but thankfully he doesn’t elaborate. “Where’s the problem?”
Hyukjae stares at him for a moment before his eyes widen with understanding. “You are not suggesting what I think you are.”
Shiwon smiles.
*
“I’m not sure this is gonna work, Shiwon. Why don’t I go in with Hyuk and you come and join us?”
It’s a few days after Donghae’s birthday, but so far none of them had mentioned the almost-decision they’d come to the other night. Well, no one and Hyukjae had mentioned it, but Shiwon and Donghae had certainly talked about it, especially about whether Hyukjae would take them up on it or not. They hope he will though.
Really hope he will.
“I think having me slip in to sleep with you two will push him away,” Shiwon says, and adds, “Besides, his bed isn’t big enough for the three of us.”
Donghae sighs, obviously frustrated; his warm breath rolls over the bare skin of Shiwon’s torso, making him shiver just a little.
He rolls over in the bed until he faces Donghae and pulls the other man closer with the arm he has wound around his waist. “We have to let him come to us.”
“But what if he doesn’t?”
This is the fear the both of them have been housing since the subject of it came up the other night, Donghae’s the first of them to mention it though.
Shiwon leans forward and kisses Donghae’s lips softly. “I think he will, eventually. He really wants this too, just give him some time.” He presses his lips to Donghae’s again, one hand coming up to entangle itself in long, dark hair. Donghae makes a soft sound, like a sigh, and kisses Shiwon back, melting against him.
Shiwon deepens the kiss, removing his hand to slide it under Donghae’s pyjama shirt - he always sleeps in damn pyjamas - but Donghae stops Shiwon’s hand and pulls back from the kiss. “We can’t.”
Confused, Shiwon frowns and asks, “What?”
Donghae bites down on his lip a little. “The first time has to be with Hyukjae too, or we’ll push him away for good.”
Shiwon sighs and pulls away a little from Donghae, but he can’t deny that the other man is right. Which is frustrating, because Shiwon really really wants Donghae. But, damn it, Donghae’s right. They’re in a delicate position now and if they do anything to anger Hyukjae, he may never go for it with them both.
“I hope he gets over himself soon,” Shiwon mumbles into the dark, “or this is going to kill me.”
*
As soon as the apartment door closes behind Shiwon - who has just gone out to the store quickly, they need milk - Donghae turns to Hyukjae, who’s absently watching the television. Donghae has been unable to concentrate on the screen though, all he’s been able to think about all day long is Hyukjae, and how to bring up the still not yet discussed subject with him.
“Hyuk, have you thought anymore about that conversation we had?” Donghae’s decided it’s time to just be blunt about it. He’ll never talk about it otherwise.
Pulling his attention away from the TV, Hyukjae looks at Donghae. “What conversation? The one about you using all of my shampoo? I told you yesterday, Hae, you c-”
Donghae shakes his head and interrupts him. “No, that talk we had with Shiwon, on my birthday.”
Shifting a little uncomfortably in his seat, Hyukjae looks back at the screen. “There isn’t much I remember about your birthday. We drank too much.”
This has all been driving Donghae crazy since last week, and now Hyukjae’s false ‘I don’t remember’ only serves to frustrate him more. “But you must remember this! You can’t forget that conversation!” Hyukjae’s about to respond but Donghae interrupts him again. “The one about the three of us, Remember?”
Hyukjae still doesn’t look at Donghae, but he swallows audibly. Faking amnesia doesn’t seem to be discouraging Donghae, so he decides to tell the truth. Mostly. “A little.”
“Good. So what do you think about it?”
Without even thinking, Hyukjae turns to look at Donghae, saying, “You guys can’t be serious about this.”
Donghae’s face and voice are completely serious and sincere as he replies, “of course we are. We wouldn’t joke about something like this.”
“Shiwon’s just doing this to get into your pants. He’s not serious about this.”
Shaking his head, Donghae says, “Hyuk, we haven’t had sex.”
Hyukjae can’t hide his surprise at this. He’d been sure, what with Donghae sharing with Shiwon every night for a week that they’d most definitely have been at it by now.
Donghae almost laughs at Hyukjae’s expression but restrains himself. “Honestly, we haven’t. We’ve been waiting for you.”
Shaking his head, at his own internal thoughts perhaps, Hyukjae replies, “how in the hell is this supposed to even work? Shiwon can’t even commit to one person.”
“He’s willing to try with both of us.” Donghae shifts, shuffling himself closer to Hyukjae. “If we all try hard, we can make this work.” He looks Hyukjae straight in the eye and Hyukjae can’t tear his gaze away. “Won’t you please try this, Hyuk? For all of us?”
Hyukjae doesn’t even notice that Donghae’s leaning in closer until they’re kissing. Donghae leans in closer still and kisses Hyukjae hard, like he’s been wanting to for ages now. He pulls away just enough to whisper “come to Shiwon’s room tonight and join us,” before his lips claim Hyukjae’s again in a kiss that steals both their breaths away.
That night Hyukjae quietly pushes the door to Shiwon’s room open. He’s half hoping that they’re both asleep, so that he can quietly steal away if he changes his mind. But he’s also half hoping that they’re awake, so that he can’t run away if he changes his mind.
He’d only decided about five seconds before he actually left his room that he’d come. As bad of an idea as he thinks this whole three-way relationship is, he can’t help but be curious about it as well. And, it is after all, what he really wants; although he still thinks it’s somewhat wrong. Relationships are supposed to have two people, not three. But Hyukjae can’t deny anymore the fact that he wants both of them.
“Hyuk.”
Donghae’s voice startles him a little, and he has to clear his throat before he can say, “Yeah.” So much for sneaking away quietly. But perhaps that’s a good thing. Maybe.
“You came.” There’s no denying the sheer sound of joy in Donghae’s voice as he speaks.
Hyukjae closes the door behind him and moves further into the room. “Yeah.” He adds in a light, almost joking manner - because joking always makes things easier - “room for one more?” He can hardly believe he’s actually doing this.
“If this lump next to me moves over,” Shiwon says, following Hyukjae’s light and jokey manner. “You know what he’s like in bed, a complete hog.”
“Hey! I am not!”
Hyukjae sniggers, now right next to the bed; so close. “Nah, he’s more like a leech, you know the way he clings.”
Donghae sounds mock offended as he says, “you guys are so mean to me!” It’s clear by the tone of his voice that Donghae is pouting, but neither of them can see it in the dark, so it’s pretty much wasted and has no effect on either of them.
“Aw, poor baby,” Shiwon coos at him teasingly, earning himself a poke from Donghae.
Without even really thinking about it, Hyukjae slips into the bed with them, on Donghae’s other side, who immediately snuggles up against him. Hyukjae slips an arm around Donghae. He’s forgotten that Shiwon’s on the other side, spooning Donghae, but is clearly reminded of this fact when he reaches too far over and touches Shiwon as well. Unaware of it, Hyukjae finds himself thinking ‘I’ll have to get used to sharing with two people now.’
After getting himself settled, and all of them are comfortably snuggled up to each other, Hyukjae whispers softly to Donghae, “good thing I don’t mind leeches.”
*
At least another week passes and yet nothing new has happened or developed between the three of them. The ‘nothing’ in particular, at least as far as Shiwon is concerned, being sex. And it really is starting to frustrate him now; but no one has made a move, of any kind, which is surprising for Shiwon, and even for Donghae - he was surprisingly forward when he knew what he wanted - but not at all for Hyukjae. After all, Shiwon hadn’t expected Hyukjae to be the one to make the first move. He hopes Hyukjae can get over himself soon though, because it really is quite frustrating.
Here Shiwon is, in a relationship with two people, and he isn’t getting any sex, at all. The irony of this is not lost on him.
With Hyukjae it’s a given, but even Donghae’s not giving him any. And Shiwon knows for a fact that Donghae is just as eager for this as he, but Donghae won’t do anything without Hyukjae, which is probably the right idea, but damn.
Shiwon is highly tempted to voice his opinions on the subject, one evening when they’re all hanging out together, but he isn’t entirely sure how Hyukjae might take that. What would Shiwon even say? ‘Hey, you know those things called relationships? You’re in one, and they generally involve physical contact, so where’s the sex, Hyukjae?’
Yeah, maybe not, because then Hyukjae will probably just accuse Shiwon of something ridiculous like only agreeing to this relationship thing for more sex - which is stupid, Shiwon certainly isn’t getting more sex at the moment, and he wouldn’t have been anyway, he’s perfectly capable of getting sex when he wants it, thank you very much.
Except for times like now, when he wants it - and God does he want it - and isn’t getting any, at all.
It’s made even more frustrating by the fact that this isn’t just one person he wants either, but two, and he could have them both! So why was nothing happening?
He’s wanted Donghae for quite awhile now; if Shiwon is completely honest with himself, he’s liked Donghae from the moment he’d first seen him. But after months of friendship and living together it had grown into more than that - nothing as ridiculous as love, of course - but Donghae’s his friend now, and Shiwon cares about him, a lot.
And again, if he’s completely honest with himself - which he isn’t usually when it comes to Hyukjae - he’s wanted Hyukjae for even longer, but that isn’t something Shiwon often feels comfortable admitting to himself, although he knows it was true. He couldn’t help but be curious, sometimes, about what he and Hyukjae may be like if they broke those bonds of friendship and became more.
With Donghae, Shiwon is sure of himself, and almost sure of what he’s getting and receiving; Donghae is pretty much an honest, open book. But not Hyukjae, even though Shiwon knows him better than anyone, there are still parts of Hyukjae that remain a mystery to him, and he’s just a little apprehensive about finding out more about those mysteries. Shiwon’s glad Donghae is going to be a part of this too, then he won’t be alone in working through the strange depths of Hyukjae’s mind.
Thinking about Donghae, Shiwon decides it would probably be a good idea to talk to him about this irritating frustration, maybe Donghae could do or say something to Hyukjae; Hyukjae is more likely to listen to Donghae, anyway. He would never accuse Donghae of doing this just for more sex.
It is a good idea, and Shiwon decides he’ll definitely collar Donghae later and talk to him about getting Hyukjae to do stuff with them, please for the love of God and the sake of Shiwon’s libido.
And besides the fact that Shiwon hasn’t had sex for a little while now and is really frustrated, sex with two people would be so interesting, and he can’t wait to try it.
Yeah, he’s definitely going to talk to Donghae today.
*
Shiwon actually did have a talk with Donghae, and Donghae had subsequently had a little talk of his own with Hyukjae. Obviously, he had been a lot more tactful than Shiwon, asking Hyukjae about ‘physical intimacy’ instead of Shiwon’s ever so subtle ‘where’s the fucking sex?’
That little talk, which had admittedly led into a rather nice make-out session, happened a few days ago, but there still hasn’t been any move between the three of them, and as he dries up the last newly washed plate, Donghae wonders if perhaps he was a little too subtle with Hyukjae; maybe he should take Shiwon’s approach and just say it.
As he ponders these things, things that have been on his mind for days now, a pair of warm arms slide around him, firmly circle his waist and pull him back against an equally warm, firm body.
Donghae lets out a slightly startled laugh. It takes him only a moment to realise that it’s Hyukjae; he doesn’t even need to turn around or hear him speak to know this, he’d learnt to differentiate between Shiwon’s hold and Hyukjae’s hold; he knows, for instance, that Shiwon always smells like cologne and coffee, whereas Hyukjae smells more like oranges and soap; Shiwon is tall and firm, and always rests his head on Donghae’s shoulder, and Hyukjae, although still taller than Donghae, is skinnier, and his body fits differently against Donghae’s. He never has trouble telling which of them is holding him, but then, he’s spent a long time picking out the differences between his two best friends.
“Hyuk,” he laughs, one hand slapping Hyukjae’s arm playfully, the other still holding the plate. “I’m busy, what are you doing?”
He feels Hyukjae lean in closer, breath warm against the side of Donghae’s face, blond strands of hair tickling his cheek. “Hmm, what, I can’t just randomly decide to accost you?” He nudges Donghae’s cheek with his nose, laughing softly.
“I’m trying to put the plates away, Hyukjae,” Donghae says, although he’s not in the least bit annoyed, and already he’s leaning back against Hyukjae’s body, melting against him, like he always does, with both of them.
Hyukjae laughs again, “That’s just one plate. You’re close enough, put it on the counter. Don’t want you dropping it now,” there’s a teasing, sing-song lilt to his tone, making Donghae raise a curious eyebrow.
“I’m not that clumsy, why would I drop it?”
“When I make you weak at the knees and your hands shake.” Hyukjae practically growls this into Donghae’s ear, except the effect is a little ruined by the laugh that slips between Hyukjae’s words, tickling Donghae’s skin and making him squirm just a little in Hyukjae’s arms.
“You’re rather confident tonight,” Donghae teases him back, but reaches out to set the plate aside on one of the counters, he’ll put it away later.
“Well, if you don’t believe me, I’ll prove it,” Hyukjae says, and before Donghae can groan at him for this comment, lips are already working their way down the side of his face and along his jaw line.
There’s a sharp intake of breath - Donghae - and he’s actually quite surprised that Hyukjae’s taking the initiative here, it feels like … it feels like Hyukjae is actually - finally - acting like a boyfriend, a partner, a lover, and this is what Donghae, and Shiwon, have been waiting, hoping, for.
He feels Hyukjae’s arms tighten their hold around his waist, ever so slightly, and Donghae brings his hands up, soft from washing the dishes, and covers Hyukjae’s hands with his own. This is strange, and makes Donghae wonder, but he doesn’t mind, no he definitely doesn’t mind the way Hyukjae’s lips slide so smoothly over his throat; the way his mouth leaves a wet trail that makes his skin tingle; the way his tongue darts out and teases fleetingly over his pulse point; the way he sucks on the skin just enough to almost leave a mark, almost but not quite.
Donghae’s fingers squeeze at Hyukjae’s, just a little, and he lets out a shaky breath as Hyukjae works that oh-so-warm mouth of his back up Donghae’s neck, jaw line, before he starts pressing kisses across Donghae’s face.
“H-Hyukjae,” Donghae stumbles over his words, just a little, unaware that the breath had momentarily trapped in his throat. “What’re you doing?” Not that he’s complaining, of course he isn’t, but only a few days ago it was he who had to start pretty much anything physical with Hyukjae.
He can feel the curve of Hyukjae’s lips as he smiles against Donghae’s skin, another feather-soft kiss is pressed to his cheek, as Hyukjae murmurs, “I’m acting like a boyfriend should.”
“Oh.”
Hyukjae sniggers a little, breath tickling the side of Donghae’s face. “You’re not complaining or anything, are you? Cause if you are, you know, I can always …” As he says this, Hyukjae teasingly pretends to start pulling away from Donghae.
“No!” Donghae says, hands holding firmly to Hyukjae’s, keeping him right in place. “No, not complaining. Please, carry on.”
He can sense more than see the smirk on Hyukjae’s face, and Donghae briefly finds himself wondering if this is how things are going to be from now on, if he managed to get through to Hyukjae, if Hyukjae finally managed to get over his insecurities and his issues.
He’s not sure, really, but as Hyukjae continues to kiss and tease him, right there in the kitchen, Donghae hopes, desperately hopes, that this is the way things could always be, should always be, and will be from now on.
*
Shiwon comes home brandishing two six-packs of beer, and the rest of the evening is lost amidst their laughing, joking, and generally silly, drunken male behaviour. It’s one of those good evenings, when nothing can upset any of them, and the smiles remain on all three of their faces and everyone gets along wonderfully.
Even Hyukjae, who’s rarely ever completely comfortable in the company of both Shiwon and Donghae lately, is having a good time, laughing with them. He’s already drunk all his share of the beer for that evening, making him playful and funny and good to be around, and its evident the alcohol has had a positive effect on him because he doesn’t seem to realise, or maybe he doesn’t really mind, that both Shiwon and Donghae are touching him.
He’s not entirely sure when that had happened, he’d like to say it had been Shiwon - he always accuses Shiwon first - but if his hazy memory is anything to go by, Donghae had started it, although, having said that, perhaps it had been Hyukjae who had started things off; all he can recall is how full and red and sweet Donghae’s lips had looked, how much he wanted to kiss them, and then he was, and that was that.
He can’t remember when Shiwon joined in, too busy kissing Donghae, and Donghae is such a good kisser, oh God, but then Shiwon comes up behind him, one hand on the curve of Hyukjae’s hip, and before Hyukjae can even think to say anything, lips are at his neck, soft, and warm, and wonderfully wet, and he doesn’t think he wants to object anymore.
So he lets Donghae kiss him, pries apart Donghae’s lips with his tongue, explores and plunders his warm mouth, and as he does he feels Shiwon’s mouth working its way over his skin, and it feels good, it feels really good, so good, that Hyukjae finds he doesn’t really mind it very much. And when Shiwon sucks on his neck, just like that, and his teeth graze along the skin enough to make Hyukjae shudder, and his tongue dips over the slight indentation, Hyukjae finds himself moaning low in his throat, gasping small breaths into Donghae’s mouth.
And then he starts to feel hands moving over him, he’s not sure which belongs to who, but there’s a hand tangled up in his hair, and a hand worming its way under his shirt, another gripping one of his shoulders, and one cupping the side of his face. And Hyukjae’s own hands wander; one grips rather firmly at the material of Donghae’s shirt as their kiss deepens whilst the other reaches back to tangle in Shiwon’s hair, keeping his face close as those lips work wonders over his neck.
They’re drunk, they’re all drunk, but the only one the alcohol is really making a difference for is Hyukjae, because if it hadn’t been for those drinks he’s had, he wouldn’t even be in this position right now - in the middle, between Donghae and Shiwon - he wouldn’t even be letting them both do this to him, nor would he have been letting himself enjoy it.
But he is, he is enjoying it, almost enough to scare him away, but not quite, the sheer pleasure overrides all fear and morals, and alcohol helps to blur those anyway, and Hyukjae doesn’t even think about putting an end to this anymore. He doesn’t want it to end, doesn’t want to stop kissing Donghae, or to have Shiwon stop kissing him; he doesn’t want those fingers to stop rubbing over the warm skin of his torso, and he doesn’t want to stop those soft, almost mewling little whimpering noises that Donghae makes as Hyukjae kisses him rather forcefully.
He finds he quite likes this, this position, this place, being in between Donghae and Shiwon, having them both kiss and touch him, touching them both in return, hearing them both gasp and murmur his name in hot breaths against his skin. He likes it, and that’s why he doesn’t object when hands start to unbutton his shirt, pull it off his shoulders and throw it aside.
Before Hyukjae can even get a question out, a pair of hands are moving over his now bare back, and he feels his skin shiver under those warm fingertips. And then a mouth presses itself hotly against his skin, following the path those fingers leave, but before Hyukjae can gasp at the feeling of that, another mouth starts to press kisses over his chest, hot, wet, hungry kisses. He moans a moment later when a tongue circles one of his nipples, and wonders when Donghae got so good at these things, because it’s Donghae in front of him, Donghae’s mouth that’s working wonders over his flushing skin, Donghae’s tongue teasing him and making him shiver in pleasure.
And Shiwon’s mouth, working over his shoulders and back, feels just as good, and without him even realising that he’s doing it, Hyukjae whispers both of their names, and it’s only really now, right now, with the breath trapped in his chest, the skin tingling all over his body, and his head spinning and spinning in a drunken, pleasured haze, that Hyukjae realises that yes, he wants both of them, both of them, and he wants them like this, and he wants them right now.
Neither Shiwon nor Donghae object.
*
“Ha! Take that!”
“You just killed me!”
“That’s the whole point of the game, Donghae.”
Donghae pouts up at Shiwon, nudging his leg with his foot, hard. “You’re cheating! There’s no way you can win every time.”
The smile on Shiwon’s face looks suspiciously similar to a triumphant smirk. “I can when you happen to suck at this game.”
“Hey! I do not! You just cheat!” Without even thinking, Donghae tosses his controller to the floor - it thuds quite loudly - and is attacking Shiwon with the nearest cushion. “Hyukjae, tell him he’s a dirty cheat!” Donghae says, in between vicious pillow attacks.
Hyukjae, from his position on the other side of Donghae, and not far enough away from that dangerously flailing pillow, watches the onslaught, Shiwon laughing and trying to fend off the attack.
“Oh, I don’t know,” Hyukjae starts, unable to hide the amusement in his voice, or on his face, “I’d say that’s what you did earlier, when you bit me to stop me from beating you. Again.” The amusement is soon replaced by horror, when Donghae half-turns, and whacks Hyukjae around the head with the pillow.
“You both cheat!” He accuses. As he goes in to attack Hyukjae again, Shiwon reaches out and, quite easily, pulls the pillow from Donghae’s grip.
“Stop beating us up. Who’s going to give you sex, if you kill us both?” Shiwon says, amiably, in the face of Donghae’s wide-eyed expression of outrage, at having his weapon stolen.
“He has a very good point,” Hyukjae agrees, laughing.
With his weapon stolen, and in the face of good logic, Donghae resorts to glaring at the both of them. Which only has them laughing even more. Donghae doesn’t like being laughed at, but before he can do or say anything, or accuse them of anything else, Shiwon and Hyukjae, sharing a knowing look, both lean in and start to tickle him.
The other controller clatters to the floor, forgotten, as the three of them turn into a wriggling mass of breathless laughter and flailing limbs.
It isn’t always like this, easy and fun and simple. But it isn’t always hard and difficult and impossible, either. There are good days and bad. And then there are days not even worth remembering. They all have to realign themselves, to fit together, to fit against one more person than a relationship usually has. And they all have their shortcomings, their own issues. Hyukjae still suffers from denial sometimes; Shiwon doesn’t like admitting certain things out loud, and Donghae worries too much about the both of them.
But they’ve made it this far, with only killing each other through videogames.
It’s difficult, and sometimes it’s almost impossible, and none of them know how long it’s going to last, if it’s even possible for it too. They don’t talk about these things, either, which makes it all the more difficult at times. But they muddle their way through, because this is the only way they’ve found that they can actually work. Even if, eventually, this may all end in disaster.
“I,” Donghae starts, red-face and out of breath, “hate the both of you. Very, very much.”
Hyukjae scoffs - the hand resting in the crook of his elbow is enough evidence to counter that statement - and Shiwon, equally out of breath but smiling says, “As do we, Donghae.”
- end - FOREVER
I kind of want to die :(
rating: R
fandom: Super Junior
pairing: Shiwon/Hyukjae/Donghae (and all in between)
notes: this is for aconite and phasera; if they'd never harassed me into finishing it, I wouldn't have. This is horrible. 2 years old, and it reads like that. OOC (this is before we really knew what Shiwon and Hyukjae are like) illogical, overdramatic and the dialogue sucks. I don't even know.
I don't write like this anymore, this is so shameful >> you can't judge me for this.
Shiwon doesn’t often think about why he does the things he does. He isn’t the introspective, deep thinking type. Usually, he just knows what he wants and does it. What is there to think about?
But lately, lately, he does find himself thinking and wondering about things. Though, there are really only two main things on his mind at the moment: Hyukjae and Donghae.
He and Hyukjae have been best friends since school, there had even been a point in time when they’d been practically inseparable, and not a day had passed when Hyukjae or Shiwon hadn’t been over one or the other’s house. They’d been such close friends for so long that they’d decided to move in together in the first place, because it would be fun, as well as financially cheaper for the both of them.
But it isn’t always so much fun anymore. Their friendship had been slowly deteriorating for a little while now, and Shiwon is starting to wonder if perhaps it’s his fault. Or some of it, at least. He knows, has known for a long time, that Hyukjae is less than happy with the way Shiwon conducts himself sometimes, but the reason why is something Shiwon isn’t so easily ready to admit to knowing just yet.
Donghae has helped, partially, to mend the break in their friendship and bring them back together. But he’ll also helping to split them up further, if they aren’t careful.
And Shiwon is only just beginning to realise any of this now, or let himself realise any of this.
Besides Hyukjae, and feelings Shiwon won’t let himself feel and won’t admit to feeling, he’s had Donghae on his mind a lot too, wondering just what his other friend means to him, what he wants Donghae to mean to him.
He’s come to the conclusion that he’s not sure. He’s not sure at all. For once in his life, Shiwon doesn’t know what he wants, or what he wants to do. And he finds it frustrating, so frustrating. He just wants them all to be happy, really, mostly. The times when it’s just the three of them, getting along, having fun, laughing and just being friends together, those are the times Shiwon likes best, the times he realises when he’s happiest. Why can’t they be like that all the time?
Because of Hyukjae. Because of himself. It was the two of them causing the problems, and Shiwon knows this. Hyukjae because he just can’t get over Shiwon’s lack of commitment, and seems to be completely jealous (of Shiwon? Of Donghae?) And Shiwon because he just can’t bring himself to do what Hyukjae wants, and doesn’t even know what he wants himself (Donghae? Hyukjae?)
Neither of them seem to know, or are prepared, to take the next step to fix their friendship. Or admit that it actually needs some fixing.
This, all of this, and more, is what Shiwon finds himself thinking as he comes home that evening and finds Hyukjae and Donghae curled up on the couch together watching television. Hyukjae has his arm affectionately draped over Donghae’s shoulder and Donghae is leaning comfortably against him. They both look so relaxed, so comfortable, so normal. For the first time Shiwon finds himself wondering if perhaps there is more between them both than just friendship. He would have said ‘no’ before, knowing the way Hyukjae thinks (and - not admittedly - knowing the way Hyukjae feels) but now, after he sees this sight, he can’t help but wonder, and makes that ‘no’ a ‘maybe’ instead.
It’s been a long time, almost a scarily long time, since Shiwon saw such a look of peace and ease on Hyukjae’s face, and all because of Donghae.
Shiwon’s about to step further into the room and make his presence known, when he realises that Hyukjae and Donghae aren’t actually watching TV; they’ve both fallen asleep.
So Shiwon stands there silently and watches them, just for a little bit. He finds himself wishing that he was a part of it, and then he wonders if maybe that’s what he really wants. Maybe, his feelings of indecision aren’t really indecision at all; maybe, just maybe, Shiwon wants both of them.
He’s not entirely sure, but what Shiwon does know as he watches the sight before him, he doesn’t feel jealous, not in the normal sense of the word, just … left out. He wants to be a part of it.
*
“Hyuk?” Donghae’s voice comes out a quiet whisper in the dark; well, you are supposed to whisper in the dark, after all. Something about the lack of light seems to dull sounds. Something about it also seems to make intimacies and feelings so much easier to talk about. The dark makes you feel safe, hidden.
“Yeah?” Hyukjae sounds sleepy, as if Donghae’s soft whisper has just pulled him back from the brink of sleep.
Donghae seems to realise this and apologizes. “Sorry, were you sleeping? Never mind, go back to sleep.”
Hyukjae reaches out and whacks Donghae, rather half-heartedly, on the arm. “Shut up. What did you want to say?”
Donghae shifts a little, turning in the arms Hyukjae has wrapped around him. Hyukjae soon got used to how Donghae likes to cuddle in bed, and doesn’t really mind it anymore. He actually quite likes how it feels to fall asleep holding someone in his arms and have them hold him back.
“I was just thinking …” Hyukjae can’t hear Donghae, his voice muffled by the skin Donghae’s face is pressed again.
“Can’t hear you, Hae. Move a little.”
Donghae shifts again, raising his face from Hyukjae’s chest. “I was thinking, and, just wondering, what’s your one true dream?” One of his arms worms its way around Hyukjae’s waist as he speaks.
“Huh?”
Donghae laughs a little before continuing in a more serious whisper. “I mean, you know, that one thing you dream about having or getting,” he explains. “Like, I used to think my one dream in life was to get married and have kids and all that, you know? But then I realised that was only my parents dream for me, not my own.”
“What’s your dream now then?”
Donghae’s quiet for a moment and Hyukjae can feel the bare, faint touch of fingers as Donghae brushes his hand along Hyukjae’s side. It makes him shiver a little, but he doesn’t mind.
“Now? My dream, my own dream, is just to fall in love, and be happy.”
It sounds so simple but they both know that it’s not.
“So, what’s yours?” Donghae asks again.
“Hmm…” As Hyukjae considers how to answer the fingers of one hand casually, and absently, start running themselves through Donghae’s hair. “I’m not really sure,” he answers after a moment. “I guess it’s just to be successful, healthy and happy.”
“Don’t you want to fall in love?”
Without thinking, Hyukjae almost finds himself saying ‘I already am’ but manages to stop himself in time. “I never really thought about it too much,” he says somewhat evasively, hoping to put Donghae off the subject of love.
Not much luck there; Donghae’s a romantic at heart. “Have you ever been in love before?”
“I don’t know.” Hyukjae’s not sure how to answer, and he’s never been one to talk much about his feelings anyway, he’d always found it difficult.
He absently finds himself thinking how soft the strands of Donghae’s hair feel as they slip so smoothly between his fingers. He doesn’t notice the content sigh Donghae makes at this.
“I have.” Donghae’s voice is so quiet as he says this that Hyukjae instinctively feels his other arm tighten its hold around Donghae, as if perhaps it’s a painful memory and Hyukjae wants to protect him from it.
“You’re allowed to love whoever you want to, Donghae,” Hyukjae finds himself saying. “Love is a good thing. Whoever you choose is going to be very lucky.”
He isn’t even sure why he’s saying any of this, or if he even believes it himself. Maybe Hyukjae said it because he thinks it’s true for Donghae. Or maybe he said it because he wishes it could be true for himself. Or maybe he doesn’t even know why he said it.
It doesn’t seem to matter though, because he knows he made Donghae happy by saying it. It really is a lot easier to say things in the dark, because Hyukjae never would have said it if Donghae could see him.
Donghae shifts again, just a little, and leans up, trying to find Hyukjae’s face in the dark. He fails, and ends up kissing Hyukjae’s ear instead of his cheek. “Thanks, Hyuk. I’m really lucky to have a friend like you.” He kisses Hyukjae again, which makes Hyukjae’s cheeks flush slightly, glad that Donghae can’t see in the dark.
*
“Wait, wait, the birthday boy needs his picture taken!” Shiwon claims, grabbing up Donghae’s new camera.
It’s Donghae’s birthday and it was just ten minutes prior that the three of them had stumbled into the apartment, drunk off their faces.
It had turned out to be a pretty good night overall, although not without a couple of glitches. The first had been when Donghae had come home from work and finally said something about the tension between Shiwon and Hyukjae; they hadn’t spoken to each other for over a day. Donghae still had no idea their argument had, for the most part, been about him, but he’d told them to make up and be friends again; ‘birthday boy’s orders’.
After that things had gone normally and quite well, until they were at the bar and Hyukjae had caught Donghae checking his phone a little too often. Donghae had explained that he’d hoped maybe on his birthday his mother at least might have said something. This had provoked a number of drinks, some drunken rounds of karaoke and a pool game that Hyukjae was sure Shiwon had cheated at to win.
It’s late by the time they get back to the apartment but none of them are ready to end the night just yet. Things are, for the moment, being like they should - could - be between them all.
“Not by myself! Hyuk, come here!” Donghae grabs Hyukjae and pulls him into the picture with him, laughing, although the laugh sounded suspiciously closer to a giggle.
Shiwon and Hyukjae switch places a moment later, and just as Hyukjae takes the picture Shiwon leans over and presses a firm kiss to Donghae’s cheek. Donghae flushes slightly as he insists on having a picture of all three of them now.
“I think I’ll head off to bed,” Hyukjae says before anymore pictures can be taken. “Happy birthday, Donghae.”
He says it so abruptly and looks so obviously irritated by something that Donghae, confused, asks, “what’s wrong, Hyuk?”
Hyukjae just shakes his head and makes to go to his room but Donghae’s hand on his arm stops him. Before Donghae can repeat his question Hyukjae says, “I just figure Shiwon will want some privacy to give you another present.” He says this so scathingly that Donghae practically flinches simply from his tone of voice.
“But Shiwon already gave me my present, you saw it.”
Shiwon snorts and shakes his head. “You’re really something else, Hyukjae. Didn’t I tell you not to spoil today?”
“Which is exactly why I’m leaving, so I don’t spoil anything else you have planned.”
Donghae, completely confused, looks from Shiwon to Hyukjae, trying to understand what exactly is going on.
Perhaps it’s with aid from the alcohol that any of this is actually being spoken about, especially in front of Donghae. Neither Shiwon nor Hyukjae seem able to keep quiet about this any longer though.
“Seriously, what the fuck is your problem here, Hyukjae? You’re really starting to piss me off with all this.”
“Oh, I’m only just starting? Sorry, I meant to piss you off long before now.”
“Sarcasm doesn’t suit you.”
“Hey, hey! What’s going on here?” But neither of them hears nor takes any notice of Donghae. The two of them have been building up to this fight for awhile now, they can’t be interrupted now.
“You know what, just do what you want, Shiwon. I can’t be bothered to try with you anymore.”
“Fuck, Jae! This is getting ridiculous now, who are you jealous of here?”
It’s most definitely because of the alcohol that Hyukjae says what he says. He never would have admitted it if he hadn’t been drinking. “Both of you! Alright, I’m jealous of both of you, and I hate it.” His eyes widen when he realises just what he’s gone and said, and just what it means.
Donghae stares at him, equally wide-eyed and surprised, but Shiwon just looks satisfied.
“There, was that so hard to admit to?” He really probably shouldn’t have said it, especially since he knows the way Hyukjae thinks, so he knows exactly why this has been bugging him so much, but hey, Shiwon’s drunk too, and not necessarily thinking before he speaks either.
“Fuck you, Shiwon,” Hyukjae angrily spits out, glaring at him. “You can have Donghae and do with him what you do to everyone else. Happy now?”
“Fuck the both of you!” Both Shiwon and Hyukjae stare at Donghae; it’s such a surprise to hear him even remotely angry. “Have either of you stopped to think about me in all of this?” It’s clear by their blank looks that they haven’t, and Donghae sighs in frustration. “Is this what all your fighting has been about lately?”
Shrugging slightly, Shiwon says, “mostly, yeah.”
Donghae rolls his eyes slightly and looks at the both of them. “Did either of you think to ask me how I might have felt? Instead of just assuming I don’t have a mind of my own.” He takes a moment to give each of them an angry glare, because Donghae certainly doesn’t appreciate being thought of as some kind of mindless object to be ‘had’ by anyone.
After a moment, Shiwon says, “well, how do you feel about it?”
“About what exactly? That you both like me?”
Hyukjae averts his eyes, uncomfortable now that it’s actually been mentioned, and Shiwon nods his head.
By now they are all not quite sober, but much less drunk than when they came home, but alcohol still must be playing a part for Donghae to speak so calmly and casually.
“I like you both.” Both Shiwon and Hyukjae just look at him silently, so Donghae reiterates, “I want both of you.” Now he actually shows signs of embarrassment over admitting this and feels his cheeks flush with colour.
Shiwon, looking the least affected of them all, smiles a little as he says, “well, that sorts everything out then.” He doesn’t sound like he’s being sarcastic.
“What? But that leaves us with the same problem.”
“Why, Jae?” Shiwon asks, turning to look at him. “We both want him, he wants us both, and I know you like me,” this was the closest either of them had ever come to mentioning how Hyukjae feels about Shiwon, but thankfully he doesn’t elaborate. “Where’s the problem?”
Hyukjae stares at him for a moment before his eyes widen with understanding. “You are not suggesting what I think you are.”
Shiwon smiles.
*
“I’m not sure this is gonna work, Shiwon. Why don’t I go in with Hyuk and you come and join us?”
It’s a few days after Donghae’s birthday, but so far none of them had mentioned the almost-decision they’d come to the other night. Well, no one and Hyukjae had mentioned it, but Shiwon and Donghae had certainly talked about it, especially about whether Hyukjae would take them up on it or not. They hope he will though.
Really hope he will.
“I think having me slip in to sleep with you two will push him away,” Shiwon says, and adds, “Besides, his bed isn’t big enough for the three of us.”
Donghae sighs, obviously frustrated; his warm breath rolls over the bare skin of Shiwon’s torso, making him shiver just a little.
He rolls over in the bed until he faces Donghae and pulls the other man closer with the arm he has wound around his waist. “We have to let him come to us.”
“But what if he doesn’t?”
This is the fear the both of them have been housing since the subject of it came up the other night, Donghae’s the first of them to mention it though.
Shiwon leans forward and kisses Donghae’s lips softly. “I think he will, eventually. He really wants this too, just give him some time.” He presses his lips to Donghae’s again, one hand coming up to entangle itself in long, dark hair. Donghae makes a soft sound, like a sigh, and kisses Shiwon back, melting against him.
Shiwon deepens the kiss, removing his hand to slide it under Donghae’s pyjama shirt - he always sleeps in damn pyjamas - but Donghae stops Shiwon’s hand and pulls back from the kiss. “We can’t.”
Confused, Shiwon frowns and asks, “What?”
Donghae bites down on his lip a little. “The first time has to be with Hyukjae too, or we’ll push him away for good.”
Shiwon sighs and pulls away a little from Donghae, but he can’t deny that the other man is right. Which is frustrating, because Shiwon really really wants Donghae. But, damn it, Donghae’s right. They’re in a delicate position now and if they do anything to anger Hyukjae, he may never go for it with them both.
“I hope he gets over himself soon,” Shiwon mumbles into the dark, “or this is going to kill me.”
*
As soon as the apartment door closes behind Shiwon - who has just gone out to the store quickly, they need milk - Donghae turns to Hyukjae, who’s absently watching the television. Donghae has been unable to concentrate on the screen though, all he’s been able to think about all day long is Hyukjae, and how to bring up the still not yet discussed subject with him.
“Hyuk, have you thought anymore about that conversation we had?” Donghae’s decided it’s time to just be blunt about it. He’ll never talk about it otherwise.
Pulling his attention away from the TV, Hyukjae looks at Donghae. “What conversation? The one about you using all of my shampoo? I told you yesterday, Hae, you c-”
Donghae shakes his head and interrupts him. “No, that talk we had with Shiwon, on my birthday.”
Shifting a little uncomfortably in his seat, Hyukjae looks back at the screen. “There isn’t much I remember about your birthday. We drank too much.”
This has all been driving Donghae crazy since last week, and now Hyukjae’s false ‘I don’t remember’ only serves to frustrate him more. “But you must remember this! You can’t forget that conversation!” Hyukjae’s about to respond but Donghae interrupts him again. “The one about the three of us, Remember?”
Hyukjae still doesn’t look at Donghae, but he swallows audibly. Faking amnesia doesn’t seem to be discouraging Donghae, so he decides to tell the truth. Mostly. “A little.”
“Good. So what do you think about it?”
Without even thinking, Hyukjae turns to look at Donghae, saying, “You guys can’t be serious about this.”
Donghae’s face and voice are completely serious and sincere as he replies, “of course we are. We wouldn’t joke about something like this.”
“Shiwon’s just doing this to get into your pants. He’s not serious about this.”
Shaking his head, Donghae says, “Hyuk, we haven’t had sex.”
Hyukjae can’t hide his surprise at this. He’d been sure, what with Donghae sharing with Shiwon every night for a week that they’d most definitely have been at it by now.
Donghae almost laughs at Hyukjae’s expression but restrains himself. “Honestly, we haven’t. We’ve been waiting for you.”
Shaking his head, at his own internal thoughts perhaps, Hyukjae replies, “how in the hell is this supposed to even work? Shiwon can’t even commit to one person.”
“He’s willing to try with both of us.” Donghae shifts, shuffling himself closer to Hyukjae. “If we all try hard, we can make this work.” He looks Hyukjae straight in the eye and Hyukjae can’t tear his gaze away. “Won’t you please try this, Hyuk? For all of us?”
Hyukjae doesn’t even notice that Donghae’s leaning in closer until they’re kissing. Donghae leans in closer still and kisses Hyukjae hard, like he’s been wanting to for ages now. He pulls away just enough to whisper “come to Shiwon’s room tonight and join us,” before his lips claim Hyukjae’s again in a kiss that steals both their breaths away.
That night Hyukjae quietly pushes the door to Shiwon’s room open. He’s half hoping that they’re both asleep, so that he can quietly steal away if he changes his mind. But he’s also half hoping that they’re awake, so that he can’t run away if he changes his mind.
He’d only decided about five seconds before he actually left his room that he’d come. As bad of an idea as he thinks this whole three-way relationship is, he can’t help but be curious about it as well. And, it is after all, what he really wants; although he still thinks it’s somewhat wrong. Relationships are supposed to have two people, not three. But Hyukjae can’t deny anymore the fact that he wants both of them.
“Hyuk.”
Donghae’s voice startles him a little, and he has to clear his throat before he can say, “Yeah.” So much for sneaking away quietly. But perhaps that’s a good thing. Maybe.
“You came.” There’s no denying the sheer sound of joy in Donghae’s voice as he speaks.
Hyukjae closes the door behind him and moves further into the room. “Yeah.” He adds in a light, almost joking manner - because joking always makes things easier - “room for one more?” He can hardly believe he’s actually doing this.
“If this lump next to me moves over,” Shiwon says, following Hyukjae’s light and jokey manner. “You know what he’s like in bed, a complete hog.”
“Hey! I am not!”
Hyukjae sniggers, now right next to the bed; so close. “Nah, he’s more like a leech, you know the way he clings.”
Donghae sounds mock offended as he says, “you guys are so mean to me!” It’s clear by the tone of his voice that Donghae is pouting, but neither of them can see it in the dark, so it’s pretty much wasted and has no effect on either of them.
“Aw, poor baby,” Shiwon coos at him teasingly, earning himself a poke from Donghae.
Without even really thinking about it, Hyukjae slips into the bed with them, on Donghae’s other side, who immediately snuggles up against him. Hyukjae slips an arm around Donghae. He’s forgotten that Shiwon’s on the other side, spooning Donghae, but is clearly reminded of this fact when he reaches too far over and touches Shiwon as well. Unaware of it, Hyukjae finds himself thinking ‘I’ll have to get used to sharing with two people now.’
After getting himself settled, and all of them are comfortably snuggled up to each other, Hyukjae whispers softly to Donghae, “good thing I don’t mind leeches.”
*
At least another week passes and yet nothing new has happened or developed between the three of them. The ‘nothing’ in particular, at least as far as Shiwon is concerned, being sex. And it really is starting to frustrate him now; but no one has made a move, of any kind, which is surprising for Shiwon, and even for Donghae - he was surprisingly forward when he knew what he wanted - but not at all for Hyukjae. After all, Shiwon hadn’t expected Hyukjae to be the one to make the first move. He hopes Hyukjae can get over himself soon though, because it really is quite frustrating.
Here Shiwon is, in a relationship with two people, and he isn’t getting any sex, at all. The irony of this is not lost on him.
With Hyukjae it’s a given, but even Donghae’s not giving him any. And Shiwon knows for a fact that Donghae is just as eager for this as he, but Donghae won’t do anything without Hyukjae, which is probably the right idea, but damn.
Shiwon is highly tempted to voice his opinions on the subject, one evening when they’re all hanging out together, but he isn’t entirely sure how Hyukjae might take that. What would Shiwon even say? ‘Hey, you know those things called relationships? You’re in one, and they generally involve physical contact, so where’s the sex, Hyukjae?’
Yeah, maybe not, because then Hyukjae will probably just accuse Shiwon of something ridiculous like only agreeing to this relationship thing for more sex - which is stupid, Shiwon certainly isn’t getting more sex at the moment, and he wouldn’t have been anyway, he’s perfectly capable of getting sex when he wants it, thank you very much.
Except for times like now, when he wants it - and God does he want it - and isn’t getting any, at all.
It’s made even more frustrating by the fact that this isn’t just one person he wants either, but two, and he could have them both! So why was nothing happening?
He’s wanted Donghae for quite awhile now; if Shiwon is completely honest with himself, he’s liked Donghae from the moment he’d first seen him. But after months of friendship and living together it had grown into more than that - nothing as ridiculous as love, of course - but Donghae’s his friend now, and Shiwon cares about him, a lot.
And again, if he’s completely honest with himself - which he isn’t usually when it comes to Hyukjae - he’s wanted Hyukjae for even longer, but that isn’t something Shiwon often feels comfortable admitting to himself, although he knows it was true. He couldn’t help but be curious, sometimes, about what he and Hyukjae may be like if they broke those bonds of friendship and became more.
With Donghae, Shiwon is sure of himself, and almost sure of what he’s getting and receiving; Donghae is pretty much an honest, open book. But not Hyukjae, even though Shiwon knows him better than anyone, there are still parts of Hyukjae that remain a mystery to him, and he’s just a little apprehensive about finding out more about those mysteries. Shiwon’s glad Donghae is going to be a part of this too, then he won’t be alone in working through the strange depths of Hyukjae’s mind.
Thinking about Donghae, Shiwon decides it would probably be a good idea to talk to him about this irritating frustration, maybe Donghae could do or say something to Hyukjae; Hyukjae is more likely to listen to Donghae, anyway. He would never accuse Donghae of doing this just for more sex.
It is a good idea, and Shiwon decides he’ll definitely collar Donghae later and talk to him about getting Hyukjae to do stuff with them, please for the love of God and the sake of Shiwon’s libido.
And besides the fact that Shiwon hasn’t had sex for a little while now and is really frustrated, sex with two people would be so interesting, and he can’t wait to try it.
Yeah, he’s definitely going to talk to Donghae today.
*
Shiwon actually did have a talk with Donghae, and Donghae had subsequently had a little talk of his own with Hyukjae. Obviously, he had been a lot more tactful than Shiwon, asking Hyukjae about ‘physical intimacy’ instead of Shiwon’s ever so subtle ‘where’s the fucking sex?’
That little talk, which had admittedly led into a rather nice make-out session, happened a few days ago, but there still hasn’t been any move between the three of them, and as he dries up the last newly washed plate, Donghae wonders if perhaps he was a little too subtle with Hyukjae; maybe he should take Shiwon’s approach and just say it.
As he ponders these things, things that have been on his mind for days now, a pair of warm arms slide around him, firmly circle his waist and pull him back against an equally warm, firm body.
Donghae lets out a slightly startled laugh. It takes him only a moment to realise that it’s Hyukjae; he doesn’t even need to turn around or hear him speak to know this, he’d learnt to differentiate between Shiwon’s hold and Hyukjae’s hold; he knows, for instance, that Shiwon always smells like cologne and coffee, whereas Hyukjae smells more like oranges and soap; Shiwon is tall and firm, and always rests his head on Donghae’s shoulder, and Hyukjae, although still taller than Donghae, is skinnier, and his body fits differently against Donghae’s. He never has trouble telling which of them is holding him, but then, he’s spent a long time picking out the differences between his two best friends.
“Hyuk,” he laughs, one hand slapping Hyukjae’s arm playfully, the other still holding the plate. “I’m busy, what are you doing?”
He feels Hyukjae lean in closer, breath warm against the side of Donghae’s face, blond strands of hair tickling his cheek. “Hmm, what, I can’t just randomly decide to accost you?” He nudges Donghae’s cheek with his nose, laughing softly.
“I’m trying to put the plates away, Hyukjae,” Donghae says, although he’s not in the least bit annoyed, and already he’s leaning back against Hyukjae’s body, melting against him, like he always does, with both of them.
Hyukjae laughs again, “That’s just one plate. You’re close enough, put it on the counter. Don’t want you dropping it now,” there’s a teasing, sing-song lilt to his tone, making Donghae raise a curious eyebrow.
“I’m not that clumsy, why would I drop it?”
“When I make you weak at the knees and your hands shake.” Hyukjae practically growls this into Donghae’s ear, except the effect is a little ruined by the laugh that slips between Hyukjae’s words, tickling Donghae’s skin and making him squirm just a little in Hyukjae’s arms.
“You’re rather confident tonight,” Donghae teases him back, but reaches out to set the plate aside on one of the counters, he’ll put it away later.
“Well, if you don’t believe me, I’ll prove it,” Hyukjae says, and before Donghae can groan at him for this comment, lips are already working their way down the side of his face and along his jaw line.
There’s a sharp intake of breath - Donghae - and he’s actually quite surprised that Hyukjae’s taking the initiative here, it feels like … it feels like Hyukjae is actually - finally - acting like a boyfriend, a partner, a lover, and this is what Donghae, and Shiwon, have been waiting, hoping, for.
He feels Hyukjae’s arms tighten their hold around his waist, ever so slightly, and Donghae brings his hands up, soft from washing the dishes, and covers Hyukjae’s hands with his own. This is strange, and makes Donghae wonder, but he doesn’t mind, no he definitely doesn’t mind the way Hyukjae’s lips slide so smoothly over his throat; the way his mouth leaves a wet trail that makes his skin tingle; the way his tongue darts out and teases fleetingly over his pulse point; the way he sucks on the skin just enough to almost leave a mark, almost but not quite.
Donghae’s fingers squeeze at Hyukjae’s, just a little, and he lets out a shaky breath as Hyukjae works that oh-so-warm mouth of his back up Donghae’s neck, jaw line, before he starts pressing kisses across Donghae’s face.
“H-Hyukjae,” Donghae stumbles over his words, just a little, unaware that the breath had momentarily trapped in his throat. “What’re you doing?” Not that he’s complaining, of course he isn’t, but only a few days ago it was he who had to start pretty much anything physical with Hyukjae.
He can feel the curve of Hyukjae’s lips as he smiles against Donghae’s skin, another feather-soft kiss is pressed to his cheek, as Hyukjae murmurs, “I’m acting like a boyfriend should.”
“Oh.”
Hyukjae sniggers a little, breath tickling the side of Donghae’s face. “You’re not complaining or anything, are you? Cause if you are, you know, I can always …” As he says this, Hyukjae teasingly pretends to start pulling away from Donghae.
“No!” Donghae says, hands holding firmly to Hyukjae’s, keeping him right in place. “No, not complaining. Please, carry on.”
He can sense more than see the smirk on Hyukjae’s face, and Donghae briefly finds himself wondering if this is how things are going to be from now on, if he managed to get through to Hyukjae, if Hyukjae finally managed to get over his insecurities and his issues.
He’s not sure, really, but as Hyukjae continues to kiss and tease him, right there in the kitchen, Donghae hopes, desperately hopes, that this is the way things could always be, should always be, and will be from now on.
*
Shiwon comes home brandishing two six-packs of beer, and the rest of the evening is lost amidst their laughing, joking, and generally silly, drunken male behaviour. It’s one of those good evenings, when nothing can upset any of them, and the smiles remain on all three of their faces and everyone gets along wonderfully.
Even Hyukjae, who’s rarely ever completely comfortable in the company of both Shiwon and Donghae lately, is having a good time, laughing with them. He’s already drunk all his share of the beer for that evening, making him playful and funny and good to be around, and its evident the alcohol has had a positive effect on him because he doesn’t seem to realise, or maybe he doesn’t really mind, that both Shiwon and Donghae are touching him.
He’s not entirely sure when that had happened, he’d like to say it had been Shiwon - he always accuses Shiwon first - but if his hazy memory is anything to go by, Donghae had started it, although, having said that, perhaps it had been Hyukjae who had started things off; all he can recall is how full and red and sweet Donghae’s lips had looked, how much he wanted to kiss them, and then he was, and that was that.
He can’t remember when Shiwon joined in, too busy kissing Donghae, and Donghae is such a good kisser, oh God, but then Shiwon comes up behind him, one hand on the curve of Hyukjae’s hip, and before Hyukjae can even think to say anything, lips are at his neck, soft, and warm, and wonderfully wet, and he doesn’t think he wants to object anymore.
So he lets Donghae kiss him, pries apart Donghae’s lips with his tongue, explores and plunders his warm mouth, and as he does he feels Shiwon’s mouth working its way over his skin, and it feels good, it feels really good, so good, that Hyukjae finds he doesn’t really mind it very much. And when Shiwon sucks on his neck, just like that, and his teeth graze along the skin enough to make Hyukjae shudder, and his tongue dips over the slight indentation, Hyukjae finds himself moaning low in his throat, gasping small breaths into Donghae’s mouth.
And then he starts to feel hands moving over him, he’s not sure which belongs to who, but there’s a hand tangled up in his hair, and a hand worming its way under his shirt, another gripping one of his shoulders, and one cupping the side of his face. And Hyukjae’s own hands wander; one grips rather firmly at the material of Donghae’s shirt as their kiss deepens whilst the other reaches back to tangle in Shiwon’s hair, keeping his face close as those lips work wonders over his neck.
They’re drunk, they’re all drunk, but the only one the alcohol is really making a difference for is Hyukjae, because if it hadn’t been for those drinks he’s had, he wouldn’t even be in this position right now - in the middle, between Donghae and Shiwon - he wouldn’t even be letting them both do this to him, nor would he have been letting himself enjoy it.
But he is, he is enjoying it, almost enough to scare him away, but not quite, the sheer pleasure overrides all fear and morals, and alcohol helps to blur those anyway, and Hyukjae doesn’t even think about putting an end to this anymore. He doesn’t want it to end, doesn’t want to stop kissing Donghae, or to have Shiwon stop kissing him; he doesn’t want those fingers to stop rubbing over the warm skin of his torso, and he doesn’t want to stop those soft, almost mewling little whimpering noises that Donghae makes as Hyukjae kisses him rather forcefully.
He finds he quite likes this, this position, this place, being in between Donghae and Shiwon, having them both kiss and touch him, touching them both in return, hearing them both gasp and murmur his name in hot breaths against his skin. He likes it, and that’s why he doesn’t object when hands start to unbutton his shirt, pull it off his shoulders and throw it aside.
Before Hyukjae can even get a question out, a pair of hands are moving over his now bare back, and he feels his skin shiver under those warm fingertips. And then a mouth presses itself hotly against his skin, following the path those fingers leave, but before Hyukjae can gasp at the feeling of that, another mouth starts to press kisses over his chest, hot, wet, hungry kisses. He moans a moment later when a tongue circles one of his nipples, and wonders when Donghae got so good at these things, because it’s Donghae in front of him, Donghae’s mouth that’s working wonders over his flushing skin, Donghae’s tongue teasing him and making him shiver in pleasure.
And Shiwon’s mouth, working over his shoulders and back, feels just as good, and without him even realising that he’s doing it, Hyukjae whispers both of their names, and it’s only really now, right now, with the breath trapped in his chest, the skin tingling all over his body, and his head spinning and spinning in a drunken, pleasured haze, that Hyukjae realises that yes, he wants both of them, both of them, and he wants them like this, and he wants them right now.
Neither Shiwon nor Donghae object.
*
“Ha! Take that!”
“You just killed me!”
“That’s the whole point of the game, Donghae.”
Donghae pouts up at Shiwon, nudging his leg with his foot, hard. “You’re cheating! There’s no way you can win every time.”
The smile on Shiwon’s face looks suspiciously similar to a triumphant smirk. “I can when you happen to suck at this game.”
“Hey! I do not! You just cheat!” Without even thinking, Donghae tosses his controller to the floor - it thuds quite loudly - and is attacking Shiwon with the nearest cushion. “Hyukjae, tell him he’s a dirty cheat!” Donghae says, in between vicious pillow attacks.
Hyukjae, from his position on the other side of Donghae, and not far enough away from that dangerously flailing pillow, watches the onslaught, Shiwon laughing and trying to fend off the attack.
“Oh, I don’t know,” Hyukjae starts, unable to hide the amusement in his voice, or on his face, “I’d say that’s what you did earlier, when you bit me to stop me from beating you. Again.” The amusement is soon replaced by horror, when Donghae half-turns, and whacks Hyukjae around the head with the pillow.
“You both cheat!” He accuses. As he goes in to attack Hyukjae again, Shiwon reaches out and, quite easily, pulls the pillow from Donghae’s grip.
“Stop beating us up. Who’s going to give you sex, if you kill us both?” Shiwon says, amiably, in the face of Donghae’s wide-eyed expression of outrage, at having his weapon stolen.
“He has a very good point,” Hyukjae agrees, laughing.
With his weapon stolen, and in the face of good logic, Donghae resorts to glaring at the both of them. Which only has them laughing even more. Donghae doesn’t like being laughed at, but before he can do or say anything, or accuse them of anything else, Shiwon and Hyukjae, sharing a knowing look, both lean in and start to tickle him.
The other controller clatters to the floor, forgotten, as the three of them turn into a wriggling mass of breathless laughter and flailing limbs.
It isn’t always like this, easy and fun and simple. But it isn’t always hard and difficult and impossible, either. There are good days and bad. And then there are days not even worth remembering. They all have to realign themselves, to fit together, to fit against one more person than a relationship usually has. And they all have their shortcomings, their own issues. Hyukjae still suffers from denial sometimes; Shiwon doesn’t like admitting certain things out loud, and Donghae worries too much about the both of them.
But they’ve made it this far, with only killing each other through videogames.
It’s difficult, and sometimes it’s almost impossible, and none of them know how long it’s going to last, if it’s even possible for it too. They don’t talk about these things, either, which makes it all the more difficult at times. But they muddle their way through, because this is the only way they’ve found that they can actually work. Even if, eventually, this may all end in disaster.
“I,” Donghae starts, red-face and out of breath, “hate the both of you. Very, very much.”
Hyukjae scoffs - the hand resting in the crook of his elbow is enough evidence to counter that statement - and Shiwon, equally out of breath but smiling says, “As do we, Donghae.”
- end - FOREVER
I kind of want to die :(