An entry to remember. Life Lesson#1
I have to confess I am a terrible person. My girlfriend left me for 6 months and I cheated on her. I had a whole relationship with someone else who didn't even love me. All I have to say is Karma is muthafucka. I am not myself anymore. I changed to become an asshole to protect myself. Now that I know Lea has changed for the better, and has more love for me than anyone in the world, it's time to let my guard down and be my old self. I miss my old self. I was so much happier. I should have had more faith in my relationship but it was so hard considering that I didn't think she loved me, and I have ALWAYS been shitted on in life. That's not an excuse though. There is nothing I could say or do to take back what I did. All I know is I learned from my mistakes. I will never cheat on anyone for the rest of my life. When I was with Yolanda I was happy, but it was fake. It felt right but at the same time, it was too good to be true. It was nice while it lasted. I love my girl. I love my wife.
I miss my old friendships. I miss my friends old attitudes and selves. No one is the same anymore. Not even me. But it's alright. Some people change for the better, some for the worst. I wanna be better. Better than I was before. Handle myself but still be the nice ol' me.
There comes a time in life when you need to get your priorities straight. I love my friends. I love my family. But the breaking point.... there is more to life than having a "crew". When your in highschool, it's the cool thing to do. Hang out everynight, eat lunch and all that. The Plastics. Now we are out of highschool... we have our best friends then people we hang with, and the list goes on. When I have time to chill with friends I do. This summer has been rough for the simple fact there has been a lot of problems with my family, job searching, and since I don't have a job, I'm constantly doing things for my parents. They try to keep me busy. Then you meet new people. Wheather they stay in your life or go, you still see whats up.
Friendships with people should have no requirments to meet. Friendship should be layed back and easy going. I've grown a lot in mind and spirit. I think a lot differently now. I love all my friends for different reasons. They all contain certain qualities.
No one is turning their back on anyone. Sometimes you are just too much to handle. Friendships shouldnt be stressful. I'm sorry I can't be there as much as you would like me to be. I'm sorry I leave out like it's my job... but it's easier to handle things in a calmer way such as this, then to explode on the spot. I'm done exploding and arguing with anyone. It's too much. I love you. And I want to be there for you but sometimes you make it difficult. You're not the bad guy. No one is blaming you for anything. These are just feelings. I have no bad feelings towards you or anyone. I love you with all my heart. I'm not comin at you. I already know your reply. "I'm not there all the time. I don't know the real you. I'm too busy doing other things. I never make time for you. You feel second best or not at all. Why open up if I don't open up."
There may be more but thats pretty general. I try to be there for everyone. There's not enough time in the day to be superwoman. The person I am is: I try to be there for everyone. I don't have a care in the world. I'm not big on drama. Despite popular belief I AM NOT CLICKY. I couldn't be a more free spirit. I'm not tied down to anyone or anything. I try my best to be myself in all situations. I love everyone, and dislike not many at all. I'm too busy being happy to be mad with petty things. I can have the biggest heart in the world.
And the bad things as follows: I can be too kept to myself. I rely on no one for anything. I don't tell the people closest to me anything at all;in good reason for myself. I can be the biggest bitch if you press my buttons or say the wrong thing. I'm numb to almost every situation. I can have the coldest non-caring attitude known to man. I'm great at hiding my feelings. I'm too quiet for my own good. I'm a pothead(mainly for artisitic reasons). The saddest part of it all is, I don't know if I'd be sad if I had no friends...I was an only child and enjoyed all of my alone time. My mother was/is my best friend.
Take this in whatever way you wish to. Good, bad, or otherwise. These are just my thoughts about everything.
"I am a poster girl with no poster. I am 32 flavors and then some..." -Ani DiFranco