The Motel Memoirs
You've read about my efficient road trip techniques that test the limits of human endurance. But did I ever tell you about that one motel I stayed in? My September trip to Denver was highlighted by a minimal amount of time spent in an East Colfax shithole that I half expected to rent by the hour. It was pretty close to the venue where Metric was playing, and it was cheap. Plus, I didn't want to hurt the owner's feelings by telling him I preferred something clean. Shall we tour the place?
EVERYTHING YOU SEE IN THIS ROOM WAS AS I FOUND IT UPON FIRST ENTRANCE.
Oh look, here's the climate control that didn't work. Too bad it was fucking freezing the two hours of sleep I tried to get.
At least they provided a hanger for their guests with unwanted pregnancies.
This was the sole barrier between me and everything scary that I blame Reagan for.
Calling 911 probably wouldn't have worked on this piece of beauty, so at least I had good cell reception. To the bathroom!
Thanks for the towels. Too bad I feel cleaner NOT TAKING A GODDAMN SHOWER HERE.
Consequence of accidentally closing this door: Not being able to get out and missing Metric after driving 900 miles for that expressed purpose. Glad I caught it.
Hidden toilet paper roll!
And that was just the inside. A cavalcade of smokers, tokers and pokers gathered in the parking lot and against the balconies outside their doors.
Whodini was right. The freaks do come out at night.
I found various ways to pass the time. I walked to Walgreens and purchased a watermelon beverage, lunched at Taco Bell, bought the Geisha Girls CD at the local Cheapo's, drove to Boulder to dine at Cosmo's and ate breakfast at Pete's. And saw Metric, but you knew that already. There was no reason to stay put in the room, besides the fear of being murdered. Of course there was no wireless internet, plus the bed made too much noise to masturbate. I did ruffle the covers as to not hurt the proprietor's feelings, though.
My car's windows escaped without being smashed, and I don't notice any symptoms of scabies. The character-building experience may have turned out all right for me, but next time I'm looking for a place to stay I won't support local businesses and will opt for a chain hotel instead.