thoughts on my dad...
for my birthday, my stepmother is sending me a card from her and dad. always interesting, because it's not like my dad is there to sign it. enclosed in this card is a picture of my father and me from the last time i visited him. she told me this because it was important to her.
my father's last taste of freedom was in june, 2003. ironically, he lost his freedom while i was fighting for "freedom". now he's serving a sentence of life without parole for first degree murder. in other words, he will die in prison. the last time i saw him in street clothes was january, 2005, at his murder trial. the next time i will see him in street clothes? barring the impossible (like winning an appeal or a new trial), it will be at his funeral.
i have no shame. when people ask me about my parents, i tell the truth: my mother and my father are both batshit insane. why lie about it?
in some ways, my father was a ghost. he wasn't around much when my parents were still married partially because of his military career and mostly because he was a womanizer. they separated when i was about 13 or 14. by that time, mom became a born again christian and drove the whole family crazy with her ranting and raving. dad went on a fishing trip one day and never came home again. he said he couldn't compete with jesus. he never fought for custody of my brother or me. he left us with a woman that was an unfit parent. if he hadn't been a ghost dad, maybe he would have known that and fought for us. somehow, i seriously doubt it.
some of you know the story; some of you don't. i didn't know my father was charged with murder until five months after he was charged. i found out by accident; my grandfather died right before thanksgiving 2003. the red cross message i received read something like "service member's grandfather confirmed dead by funeral home. service member's mother requests the service member's presence. service member's father charged with first degree murder." the whole thing read like my dad killed him, which wasn't the case at all. it was awesome and no one wanted to tell me about the red cross message... turned out that that was two messages combined. my mother did send a red cross message when my dad got arrested but somehow i never got it. the really bad thing about all of this was this was the first time i spoke to my mother since i came home from the war. i hadn't been to my hometown since may 2001. at that point, my mom pissed me off so much that i told her, "the next time i come home, someone better be dead."
i couldn't remember the last time i saw my dad. it had to have been before i left for korea. there was no deliberate silent treatment like i gave my mom. somewhere in all of that, life happened. he was always a hard man to find; he was busy getting remarried over and over and over again, and i was too busy trying to "find myself". that pretty much means that both of us were too busy chasing women to find the time to talk to each other. i think i got a couple of letters from him when i was in korea and that was it.
i had already heard that he shot himself in the face. i don't know what i was expecting to see when i first saw him. the first thing he said to me was, "it's not so fun when people shoot back, is it?" here he was, dealing with his bad situation, and he actually thought to ask me about mine.
you know the rest; he was tried, convicted, and sentenced.
there's a lot of things he doesn't know about or just doesn't understand. there are some incidents from growing up with my crazy mother... he's better off not knowing all of the details. i get frustrated because some of them might not have happened if he wasn't a ghost father. and there's no point in telling him the details now because he will just get frustrated with himself.
is my father a good man? a lot of people would say no. but he means well. as far as i know, he's never judged me for some of the things i've done like my mother has. he says he always knew i was queer. he's never had a problem with it. as long as i'm happy, he's happy... although when he found out about kim, he said something to the effect of, "so i'm not getting grandchildren, am i?" (i don't think it's dawned on him that we could have kids if we got a sperm donor, ya know?) for what it's worth, he asks about my brother even though he has made it a point not to attempt to visit the man. i think he realizes the mistakes he's made. i just don't think he will ever seek forgiveness for those mistakes. i don't know that it would do any good.
my father's last taste of freedom was in june, 2003. ironically, he lost his freedom while i was fighting for "freedom". now he's serving a sentence of life without parole for first degree murder. in other words, he will die in prison. the last time i saw him in street clothes was january, 2005, at his murder trial. the next time i will see him in street clothes? barring the impossible (like winning an appeal or a new trial), it will be at his funeral.
i have no shame. when people ask me about my parents, i tell the truth: my mother and my father are both batshit insane. why lie about it?
in some ways, my father was a ghost. he wasn't around much when my parents were still married partially because of his military career and mostly because he was a womanizer. they separated when i was about 13 or 14. by that time, mom became a born again christian and drove the whole family crazy with her ranting and raving. dad went on a fishing trip one day and never came home again. he said he couldn't compete with jesus. he never fought for custody of my brother or me. he left us with a woman that was an unfit parent. if he hadn't been a ghost dad, maybe he would have known that and fought for us. somehow, i seriously doubt it.
some of you know the story; some of you don't. i didn't know my father was charged with murder until five months after he was charged. i found out by accident; my grandfather died right before thanksgiving 2003. the red cross message i received read something like "service member's grandfather confirmed dead by funeral home. service member's mother requests the service member's presence. service member's father charged with first degree murder." the whole thing read like my dad killed him, which wasn't the case at all. it was awesome and no one wanted to tell me about the red cross message... turned out that that was two messages combined. my mother did send a red cross message when my dad got arrested but somehow i never got it. the really bad thing about all of this was this was the first time i spoke to my mother since i came home from the war. i hadn't been to my hometown since may 2001. at that point, my mom pissed me off so much that i told her, "the next time i come home, someone better be dead."
i couldn't remember the last time i saw my dad. it had to have been before i left for korea. there was no deliberate silent treatment like i gave my mom. somewhere in all of that, life happened. he was always a hard man to find; he was busy getting remarried over and over and over again, and i was too busy trying to "find myself". that pretty much means that both of us were too busy chasing women to find the time to talk to each other. i think i got a couple of letters from him when i was in korea and that was it.
i had already heard that he shot himself in the face. i don't know what i was expecting to see when i first saw him. the first thing he said to me was, "it's not so fun when people shoot back, is it?" here he was, dealing with his bad situation, and he actually thought to ask me about mine.
you know the rest; he was tried, convicted, and sentenced.
there's a lot of things he doesn't know about or just doesn't understand. there are some incidents from growing up with my crazy mother... he's better off not knowing all of the details. i get frustrated because some of them might not have happened if he wasn't a ghost father. and there's no point in telling him the details now because he will just get frustrated with himself.
is my father a good man? a lot of people would say no. but he means well. as far as i know, he's never judged me for some of the things i've done like my mother has. he says he always knew i was queer. he's never had a problem with it. as long as i'm happy, he's happy... although when he found out about kim, he said something to the effect of, "so i'm not getting grandchildren, am i?" (i don't think it's dawned on him that we could have kids if we got a sperm donor, ya know?) for what it's worth, he asks about my brother even though he has made it a point not to attempt to visit the man. i think he realizes the mistakes he's made. i just don't think he will ever seek forgiveness for those mistakes. i don't know that it would do any good.