Developing as a Human
My horoscope this morning read: Are you evaluating your sense of self-worth according to what material possessions you have in your life? Use a standard that actually means something instead. What kind of a person are you? What actions do you take?
Unfortunately, I do evaluate my sense of self-worth according to the material possessions I have and do NOT have in my life. I do not have a house, a car, a laptop. For some reason, that leaves me unfulfilled. That’s complete bullshit though. I know that my lack of said car don’t complete me, nor does my lack homeownership. A laptop would just compact the size of my desk and make by room seem larger…
Last evening I went out shopping - shopping therapy? I was on a quest for the perfect diamond earrings. I found a pair of sparkling diamonds that would be perfect for the love of my life, yet when I learned of their price, I became upset. I felt like a failure because I couldn’t afford a pair of earrings. It boils down to: I’m not happy because I can’t have something.
There are a lot of things in life that I need to understand are just out of my reach - especially now. Air Force One is out of my reach (well, maybe with hard work…), college, a vehicle, laptop and homeownership are all just beyond my greedy hands. It shouldn’t matter and in the long run, it won’t. But now, now is the time when these things do… I’m going back and forth in my mind and it’s driving me crazy.
As far as homeownership, yes, I want to own a home. No, this is not happening tomorrow. A home is something I shouldn’t jump into. I shouldn’t see friends of mine buying homes and just decide: me too. Well, financing or not, right now it’s not something I really NEED. Besides, $124,000 for 600 square feet? Umm…Are you effing kidding me?
I’m paying off my debts so I can grab a car. So I can drive to Katherine’s dorm on days like today when she has the flu and needs someone to heat up soup and get medication from Econo’s pharmacy… So I can drive to my parent’s place out west and visit my grandparents and help rake the lawn… So I can spend more time with certain people from my past that also live close to my parents… So I can…x, y, and z….
After a conversation that Katherine and I had on Saturday evening not only do I feel as though we have grown closer, I also feel more aware of who I am. I am not perfect. I am not great. I am not the end-all-be-all. I am a guy. Just - I CAN’T GET THE THEME SONG FROM ‘THE GOLDEN GIRLS’ OUT OF MY HEAD… That I no better than everyone else and it’s important that I give myself that reality check. However, I still have a final say on who my friends are because that’s the one thing I have control over: who I allow into my life.
Bitch bitch bitch.
Okay. It’s Thursday already. I don’t know how the week has just zipped on by… On Friday evening I’m working at Brave New Workshop running the show, Saturday Katherine and I are going to her brother’s ex-girlfriend’s wedding (confused yet), then on Sunday I’ve got an audition around 1-ish with a surprise planned later in the evening… I also submitted my resume/headshot for another production company just moments ago. It would be fun to audition with them. We’ll see.
I’m an actor. Just thinking about it now… I’m not just some guy that wants to act… I’m actively pursuing my desires. I like that. I’m thankful for my desires that I act upon. You know, the positive choices and desires that lead to personal growth and development as a professional human.
Unfortunately, I do evaluate my sense of self-worth according to the material possessions I have and do NOT have in my life. I do not have a house, a car, a laptop. For some reason, that leaves me unfulfilled. That’s complete bullshit though. I know that my lack of said car don’t complete me, nor does my lack homeownership. A laptop would just compact the size of my desk and make by room seem larger…
Last evening I went out shopping - shopping therapy? I was on a quest for the perfect diamond earrings. I found a pair of sparkling diamonds that would be perfect for the love of my life, yet when I learned of their price, I became upset. I felt like a failure because I couldn’t afford a pair of earrings. It boils down to: I’m not happy because I can’t have something.
There are a lot of things in life that I need to understand are just out of my reach - especially now. Air Force One is out of my reach (well, maybe with hard work…), college, a vehicle, laptop and homeownership are all just beyond my greedy hands. It shouldn’t matter and in the long run, it won’t. But now, now is the time when these things do… I’m going back and forth in my mind and it’s driving me crazy.
As far as homeownership, yes, I want to own a home. No, this is not happening tomorrow. A home is something I shouldn’t jump into. I shouldn’t see friends of mine buying homes and just decide: me too. Well, financing or not, right now it’s not something I really NEED. Besides, $124,000 for 600 square feet? Umm…Are you effing kidding me?
I’m paying off my debts so I can grab a car. So I can drive to Katherine’s dorm on days like today when she has the flu and needs someone to heat up soup and get medication from Econo’s pharmacy… So I can drive to my parent’s place out west and visit my grandparents and help rake the lawn… So I can spend more time with certain people from my past that also live close to my parents… So I can…x, y, and z….
After a conversation that Katherine and I had on Saturday evening not only do I feel as though we have grown closer, I also feel more aware of who I am. I am not perfect. I am not great. I am not the end-all-be-all. I am a guy. Just - I CAN’T GET THE THEME SONG FROM ‘THE GOLDEN GIRLS’ OUT OF MY HEAD… That I no better than everyone else and it’s important that I give myself that reality check. However, I still have a final say on who my friends are because that’s the one thing I have control over: who I allow into my life.
Bitch bitch bitch.
Okay. It’s Thursday already. I don’t know how the week has just zipped on by… On Friday evening I’m working at Brave New Workshop running the show, Saturday Katherine and I are going to her brother’s ex-girlfriend’s wedding (confused yet), then on Sunday I’ve got an audition around 1-ish with a surprise planned later in the evening… I also submitted my resume/headshot for another production company just moments ago. It would be fun to audition with them. We’ll see.
I’m an actor. Just thinking about it now… I’m not just some guy that wants to act… I’m actively pursuing my desires. I like that. I’m thankful for my desires that I act upon. You know, the positive choices and desires that lead to personal growth and development as a professional human.