Okay, here's some words for ya
It has been exactly one week since my audition with the Midwest’s leading educational children’s theatre company. I haven’t heard anything yet. I’m going to assume that I haven’t gotten the part and move along with my life. It’s odd though how a week ago I was on “Cloud 9” and dreaming of living as a working actor… Now I’m thankful I have a job, albeit one that I’d rather trade for the acting any day.
The audition was a good test though. When I was contacted by phone on Monday, January 30 by the company’s artistic director, I told him that if I don’t put myself out there, I’ll never go anywhere. If I keep talking about “doing it” and never actually get out there, no one is going to see me, no one is going to cast me. I called my manager at home that night and told him I wouldn’t be in until late in the afternoon. He was okay with that. He wished me good luck (cruses!) and all was well.
The one issue I have with not being called back was the way the artistic director almost…led me on? I walked out of there feeling like I had just given the audition of a lifetime. Did he lie? Am I actually a terrible actor with no “chops?” If I could go back, would I do anything differently? Probably not, I had a great time at the audition. I had a great audition - or so I was told.
A good experience nonetheless. Getting out there and actually DOING IT is what I need to be doing. I’m proud of myself for saying “Fuck you corporate job, I have a PASSION TO FOLLOW!”
On another slightly related note, the movie I auditioned for on January 22 has called back a friend of mine (he played my brother in “The Fam”) that actually read for the exact same part as me - only now, he’s been asked to read for the lead role instead. I’m happy for him (gritting teeth), but extremely jealous. It’s not my time yet. I have many more dues to pay before I can successfully conquer this market.
Besides, I have to get through my improv classes first. Get through my classes, get together with a group and start performing regularly. Sometime by October of 2006 I should be completed with Levels One through Five of the “performance track.” I also plan on receiving some “formal education” this year at either MCTC or Metro State…. I’ll worry about applying after this year’s FRINGE FESTIVAL.
What’s that I say, the FRINGE FESTIVAL?! Yes. I’m not actually in the Fringe; however, I am on the waiting list (meaning: if 20 shows that are IN the Fringe decide they don’t want to do their show, I’m in!). I’m nearly done with the first draft of my show. Actually, half done. I need to plug away all through March though so I can get the rewrites out of the way by April…
Last night I came to terms with myself. Again. I’ve got a lot of rage in me and it scares me. I don’t necessarily know where it comes from or how it gets in me, but it’s there and it’s very real. It’s not a violent rage, more a general hateful rage. I need to drop my expectations and stop holding people to unrealistic imaginary standards. I need to embrace the fact that we’re all in this together and I’m not going to encourage any peace if all I present is a grouchy demeanor. Deep breaths, counting backwards from ten, running, biking, writing, masturbation, cooking, cleaning, kissing, screaming, painting - all these can be outlets, although not necessarily in that order… Coming back from improv last night I just realized I’m rather unhappy with myself. If it’s not having a car or feeling like a failure or not being attractive-enough…
All this bullshit boils down to me not being secure with who I am. I need to embrace who I am - for the positive - and push that positive energy back into the world. Whatever it is, I don’t like feeling bitter or cynical. I want to get back to who I was - minus the drug problem.
I need to start practicing what I preach…
The audition was a good test though. When I was contacted by phone on Monday, January 30 by the company’s artistic director, I told him that if I don’t put myself out there, I’ll never go anywhere. If I keep talking about “doing it” and never actually get out there, no one is going to see me, no one is going to cast me. I called my manager at home that night and told him I wouldn’t be in until late in the afternoon. He was okay with that. He wished me good luck (cruses!) and all was well.
The one issue I have with not being called back was the way the artistic director almost…led me on? I walked out of there feeling like I had just given the audition of a lifetime. Did he lie? Am I actually a terrible actor with no “chops?” If I could go back, would I do anything differently? Probably not, I had a great time at the audition. I had a great audition - or so I was told.
A good experience nonetheless. Getting out there and actually DOING IT is what I need to be doing. I’m proud of myself for saying “Fuck you corporate job, I have a PASSION TO FOLLOW!”
On another slightly related note, the movie I auditioned for on January 22 has called back a friend of mine (he played my brother in “The Fam”) that actually read for the exact same part as me - only now, he’s been asked to read for the lead role instead. I’m happy for him (gritting teeth), but extremely jealous. It’s not my time yet. I have many more dues to pay before I can successfully conquer this market.
Besides, I have to get through my improv classes first. Get through my classes, get together with a group and start performing regularly. Sometime by October of 2006 I should be completed with Levels One through Five of the “performance track.” I also plan on receiving some “formal education” this year at either MCTC or Metro State…. I’ll worry about applying after this year’s FRINGE FESTIVAL.
What’s that I say, the FRINGE FESTIVAL?! Yes. I’m not actually in the Fringe; however, I am on the waiting list (meaning: if 20 shows that are IN the Fringe decide they don’t want to do their show, I’m in!). I’m nearly done with the first draft of my show. Actually, half done. I need to plug away all through March though so I can get the rewrites out of the way by April…
Last night I came to terms with myself. Again. I’ve got a lot of rage in me and it scares me. I don’t necessarily know where it comes from or how it gets in me, but it’s there and it’s very real. It’s not a violent rage, more a general hateful rage. I need to drop my expectations and stop holding people to unrealistic imaginary standards. I need to embrace the fact that we’re all in this together and I’m not going to encourage any peace if all I present is a grouchy demeanor. Deep breaths, counting backwards from ten, running, biking, writing, masturbation, cooking, cleaning, kissing, screaming, painting - all these can be outlets, although not necessarily in that order… Coming back from improv last night I just realized I’m rather unhappy with myself. If it’s not having a car or feeling like a failure or not being attractive-enough…
All this bullshit boils down to me not being secure with who I am. I need to embrace who I am - for the positive - and push that positive energy back into the world. Whatever it is, I don’t like feeling bitter or cynical. I want to get back to who I was - minus the drug problem.
I need to start practicing what I preach…