(no subject)
So, what I want, is someone who can take care of me when I need it. Really that's what I want.
I want someone that I know will be there, if I have to go through chemotherapy again. I want to know I'm with someone who loves me for better or for worse, if I'm better or worse. Cancer, became a very real part of my life not too long ago. And therefor it is constantly something that is on my mind. I can't have another relationship like I did with Kacie, where anytime I would go through chemo or get sick, she'd up and leave. Wouldn't hear from her for days. I can't have that, I can't go through that if I get sick again. Sara made me promise, actually we promised this to each other awhile ago... We promised each other that the other would never be lonely again. Cancer is very real, and very scary for me. I'm having a hard time dealing with it all, and my chances of getting cancer again are, well, a lot higher than they ever were before. Once you get it, it means you know you're body is more prone to getting cancer and you could get it again possibly in a different form. Sara told me one day, that she would be there for me if I got sick again. I told her that if I got cancer again I would let it kill me, because I don't think I could go through chemotherapy again - and for all you out there who think that's selfish... well fuck you... you don't know what it's like first hand. Chemotherapy is a nightmare and it's more taxing than any good. If I don't have something to live for, fuck it I'm not going through chemotherapy I'll take my last few months gracefully. However... Sara told me she would be there for me... suddenly *click* there's something to live for. And I gave it much thought... wow how could some girl really want to be with me knowing that I could have to go through it again. How could someone know she'd want to take care of me. That's a lot of where my really strong love started. Cause that statement for her is the same as "for better or for worse"... she's willing to be there for better times than this or for worse times than this...
... that was the day I decided I would go through chemotherapy for her, and that was the day I knew I truly wanted to marry this woman...
... if I had it my way I would marry her today. She's everything I've ever wanted and then more. She's amazing. Sure she has her flaws and we have our problems but who doesn't. just as I have my many many MAAANNNY flaws too. But she always told me she liked me for all my perfections and all my many flaws.
Now - I just don't know what to think. She's told me she wanted to marry me before. She's told me she wants to make a commitment to me, ring or no ring. She's told me she would want to make a committment that's just like marriage cause "she doesn't need a ring" she loves me enough for that right now.
Well it turns out that's not really the case. She wouldn't get married to me today if she had the choice. Her and I have talked about getting married in our junior or senior year, or possibly sooner. But now she doesn't want to. She doesn't want to get married. Her words are "I'm only a freshman in college"... yeah? and?? who cares?? it's just at title... "I'm only 19" who cares... it's just a number that keeps track of time... waiting for 4 more years in the grand scheme of time is nothing... giving into account the billions of years this earth has been on.... 4 more years... nahh... it's nothing... So I wonder what is there really to wait for.
That's when it hits me. She doesn't want to get married to me at all. She wants to say she wants to wait 4 more years, but that's because hopefully in 4 more years she'll be rid of me. I really hope that's not the case. But could it be?? I really would wait 4 more years, I really wouldn't have a problem with it, if she made me feel like she'd marry me today. What about being engaged. There's the commitment with the ring but without the marriage. If I asked her to marry me, to be my fiance, would she go for it?? I doubt it... but what's the problem there?? too young to be a fiance?? who cares, what's it matter, nothing legal has happened. She's not a wife, she's not bound... it's just a level of committment, a decleration of love. I want to declare my love for her to the world.
So where does that leave me? Does that leave me waiting for my dream to come true? or does it leave me waiting to realize the dream was never going to happen??
She's not happy with CNU... she doesn't like the theatre department there. That's her department, that's what she wants to major in. But she's not happy there. She wants to trasnfer in the fall. I'd support her in it, I really would and will if she decides that. But what she's saying to me, is that she'd be happier at a different school. All I can think to ask is "oh really?? you'd be happier at a different school where I'm not at??" I know it's a selfish remark. But I know if I was in her place, and CNU didn't make me happy. I know I would be a lot unhappier anywhere else simply for the fact that I would be away from Sara. That's the difference though you know? well maybe you don't know.
Man what is this, the 6th or 7th entrance this week?? I haven't written this much in a long while... and part of it feels good to get my feelings out there...
This is my third day of not working... I've been having really emotional low days and feeling sick... I need someone to take care of me or someone to take my mind off of that.
Sara doesn't seem in the mood to help me out or give me her full attention for a couple minutes.
*sigh*
I guess I'll just spend another day lonely and sad...
I'm lost in this world
I want someone that I know will be there, if I have to go through chemotherapy again. I want to know I'm with someone who loves me for better or for worse, if I'm better or worse. Cancer, became a very real part of my life not too long ago. And therefor it is constantly something that is on my mind. I can't have another relationship like I did with Kacie, where anytime I would go through chemo or get sick, she'd up and leave. Wouldn't hear from her for days. I can't have that, I can't go through that if I get sick again. Sara made me promise, actually we promised this to each other awhile ago... We promised each other that the other would never be lonely again. Cancer is very real, and very scary for me. I'm having a hard time dealing with it all, and my chances of getting cancer again are, well, a lot higher than they ever were before. Once you get it, it means you know you're body is more prone to getting cancer and you could get it again possibly in a different form. Sara told me one day, that she would be there for me if I got sick again. I told her that if I got cancer again I would let it kill me, because I don't think I could go through chemotherapy again - and for all you out there who think that's selfish... well fuck you... you don't know what it's like first hand. Chemotherapy is a nightmare and it's more taxing than any good. If I don't have something to live for, fuck it I'm not going through chemotherapy I'll take my last few months gracefully. However... Sara told me she would be there for me... suddenly *click* there's something to live for. And I gave it much thought... wow how could some girl really want to be with me knowing that I could have to go through it again. How could someone know she'd want to take care of me. That's a lot of where my really strong love started. Cause that statement for her is the same as "for better or for worse"... she's willing to be there for better times than this or for worse times than this...
... that was the day I decided I would go through chemotherapy for her, and that was the day I knew I truly wanted to marry this woman...
... if I had it my way I would marry her today. She's everything I've ever wanted and then more. She's amazing. Sure she has her flaws and we have our problems but who doesn't. just as I have my many many MAAANNNY flaws too. But she always told me she liked me for all my perfections and all my many flaws.
Now - I just don't know what to think. She's told me she wanted to marry me before. She's told me she wants to make a commitment to me, ring or no ring. She's told me she would want to make a committment that's just like marriage cause "she doesn't need a ring" she loves me enough for that right now.
Well it turns out that's not really the case. She wouldn't get married to me today if she had the choice. Her and I have talked about getting married in our junior or senior year, or possibly sooner. But now she doesn't want to. She doesn't want to get married. Her words are "I'm only a freshman in college"... yeah? and?? who cares?? it's just at title... "I'm only 19" who cares... it's just a number that keeps track of time... waiting for 4 more years in the grand scheme of time is nothing... giving into account the billions of years this earth has been on.... 4 more years... nahh... it's nothing... So I wonder what is there really to wait for.
That's when it hits me. She doesn't want to get married to me at all. She wants to say she wants to wait 4 more years, but that's because hopefully in 4 more years she'll be rid of me. I really hope that's not the case. But could it be?? I really would wait 4 more years, I really wouldn't have a problem with it, if she made me feel like she'd marry me today. What about being engaged. There's the commitment with the ring but without the marriage. If I asked her to marry me, to be my fiance, would she go for it?? I doubt it... but what's the problem there?? too young to be a fiance?? who cares, what's it matter, nothing legal has happened. She's not a wife, she's not bound... it's just a level of committment, a decleration of love. I want to declare my love for her to the world.
So where does that leave me? Does that leave me waiting for my dream to come true? or does it leave me waiting to realize the dream was never going to happen??
She's not happy with CNU... she doesn't like the theatre department there. That's her department, that's what she wants to major in. But she's not happy there. She wants to trasnfer in the fall. I'd support her in it, I really would and will if she decides that. But what she's saying to me, is that she'd be happier at a different school. All I can think to ask is "oh really?? you'd be happier at a different school where I'm not at??" I know it's a selfish remark. But I know if I was in her place, and CNU didn't make me happy. I know I would be a lot unhappier anywhere else simply for the fact that I would be away from Sara. That's the difference though you know? well maybe you don't know.
Man what is this, the 6th or 7th entrance this week?? I haven't written this much in a long while... and part of it feels good to get my feelings out there...
This is my third day of not working... I've been having really emotional low days and feeling sick... I need someone to take care of me or someone to take my mind off of that.
Sara doesn't seem in the mood to help me out or give me her full attention for a couple minutes.
*sigh*
I guess I'll just spend another day lonely and sad...
I'm lost in this world