(no subject)
I miss the ocean.
I find I'm becoming gradually more attached to summer as the years go by. Used to be I loved winter with equal depth. Well, now I'm wishing there was some way to retain the beauty of snow without the unpleasant cold.
Man. I don't know how I went so long without seeing waves. It was seven years, man. Seven. Frakking. Years. We went down to Rhode Island a month ago and I body surfed for four and a half hours straight. Withdrawal will do things to you.
Always want more of the ocean.
I wanna find a field somewhere, out in the middle of nowhere, lie down and forget everything and enjoy the moment and being alive and being surrounded by something beautiful. On the way up to campus, you take the back roads and there's this brook off five or six hundred yards from the road, down a hill and beyond an open field. There are some trees and bushes around it, here and there, spotty. I'm feeling like that's where I oughta go, take some pictures and just...be.
Wanna be in love again, but I'm terrified of it at the same time. I've experienced it, and it was wonderful, but...
I was listening to Coldplay's first album. Around the time I fell in love, I played it non-stop, so whenever I hear it now, even the sadder songs lift my spirits, because it all reminds me of how happy I was.
Maybe, I think, I'm afraid of relying on someone else for happiness. I don't want to have to be with someone to be happy, to be content with myself and with my life. But, well, that can't be it, because that's just not a good enough reason to be as afraid as I am.
And maybe, I think, the reason no one seems right for me is a product of my fear. And maybe, I think, it's not that I'm not ready -- it's that I'm more than ready, but I'm pulling back and hiding. And maybe, just maybe, what I need to do is just jump in and see what happens and get hurt a little. But then I stop and think about how I don't want to sell myself short, I don't want to settle, and then it comes back to being happy with myself regardless of whom I happen to (not) be with at the moment, because it seems that the people who settle are the people who think they can only be happy if they've got someone with whom they think they're in love. Then I get mad at myself for wanting love. But, well, surely you can be happy just being as you are and yet still want to be with someone. These states are not mutually exclusive. I'm tying myself up in knots, here, because I need to justify my reluctance, but goodness, man, it's only a matter of separating "wants" from "needs."
Well, I know this. I need open country, I need the ocean, I need beauty and I need to find a way to see life for the amazing thing it is. Need to get comfortable with myself and then I should be comfortable with others. Okay.
Hey. Everything's going just fine.
I find I'm becoming gradually more attached to summer as the years go by. Used to be I loved winter with equal depth. Well, now I'm wishing there was some way to retain the beauty of snow without the unpleasant cold.
Man. I don't know how I went so long without seeing waves. It was seven years, man. Seven. Frakking. Years. We went down to Rhode Island a month ago and I body surfed for four and a half hours straight. Withdrawal will do things to you.
Always want more of the ocean.
I wanna find a field somewhere, out in the middle of nowhere, lie down and forget everything and enjoy the moment and being alive and being surrounded by something beautiful. On the way up to campus, you take the back roads and there's this brook off five or six hundred yards from the road, down a hill and beyond an open field. There are some trees and bushes around it, here and there, spotty. I'm feeling like that's where I oughta go, take some pictures and just...be.
Wanna be in love again, but I'm terrified of it at the same time. I've experienced it, and it was wonderful, but...
I was listening to Coldplay's first album. Around the time I fell in love, I played it non-stop, so whenever I hear it now, even the sadder songs lift my spirits, because it all reminds me of how happy I was.
Maybe, I think, I'm afraid of relying on someone else for happiness. I don't want to have to be with someone to be happy, to be content with myself and with my life. But, well, that can't be it, because that's just not a good enough reason to be as afraid as I am.
And maybe, I think, the reason no one seems right for me is a product of my fear. And maybe, I think, it's not that I'm not ready -- it's that I'm more than ready, but I'm pulling back and hiding. And maybe, just maybe, what I need to do is just jump in and see what happens and get hurt a little. But then I stop and think about how I don't want to sell myself short, I don't want to settle, and then it comes back to being happy with myself regardless of whom I happen to (not) be with at the moment, because it seems that the people who settle are the people who think they can only be happy if they've got someone with whom they think they're in love. Then I get mad at myself for wanting love. But, well, surely you can be happy just being as you are and yet still want to be with someone. These states are not mutually exclusive. I'm tying myself up in knots, here, because I need to justify my reluctance, but goodness, man, it's only a matter of separating "wants" from "needs."
Well, I know this. I need open country, I need the ocean, I need beauty and I need to find a way to see life for the amazing thing it is. Need to get comfortable with myself and then I should be comfortable with others. Okay.
Hey. Everything's going just fine.