emergence

[stae]

In all my existance i have only once been overcome by a persons presence. Sitting on a bus when i was at uni i noticed a girl, nothing particularly exceptional about her but she had an element about her that i could not deny. A presence that captivated and enthralled me. Chance would have it that we established a friendship of sorts and we spent a

Comments

[ninedeadleaves]

I hope you dropped the notion of having to rebuild yourself for someone. Because that means you won't be you anymore, and where's the honesty in that - to the world, but mostly to yourself?

[stae]

Well no i still maintain the belief that deconstruction of oneself can be one of the most fundamental aspects of evolution of the spirit and the identity. One can't be content with oneself because that leads to stagnancy. Whether it be for someone or for yourself as long as the stimulus is there to inspire you to overcome and evolve beyond your short comings then growth will be maintained.

[ninedeadleaves]

But are they shortcomings, or are they just your idiosyncracies that might be shortcomings in someone else's eyes? The point of my original comment is that you said you were going to change yourself 'to something worthy of her'. Yes, change generally entails growth, but not catering solely to another's interests that they might in turn be interested in you, thus validating you on some level. That doesn't sound like evolution. That sounds like submission.

[stae]

They were and are shortcomings in my eyes, and yes in some ways it may not sound like the healthiest course of action, but when i point out my whole self hate your way to improvement most people don't agree with that either.

ok well let me pose a question then. say there was a girl/boy whatever who you really wanted to talk to but they intimidated you. would you consider it submission if you went away and worked on your confidence first, if you developed your identity and sense of self to a point where they no longer intimidated you. is that submission?

[ninedeadleaves]

I'm sure it's a challenge, ja, but I guess it depends on why they intimidate you. Is it intentional? Is it unintentional? Is it based on some repressed memory from your past? Are you intimidated by them because you did wrong against them that they're not aware of?
There are always more factors involved.

[stae]

oh obviously if they were outright blatant that you weren't good enough for them then sure i agree that isn't the most wholesome self improvement. but ultimately it comes down to the idea that i would want my partner to be my equal as that way the combined energies would assist the relationship and improve the personal growth of both individuals concerned. there has to be a shared dynamic of power as being in a relationship when there is a clear imbalance is not going to result in anything resembling a respectable form of equality.

[ninedeadleaves]

It just smacks to me of a child gazing wistfully at a shiny toy and being told that if they're a very good little boy or girl they might just get it for Christmas. Personality accessories to impress and amaze!

[stae]

Hmm perhaps but the thing is the reward isn't being offered in return for the act, it is a self assessment as to whether one is prepared or ready for the challenge so to speak. (not saying people are challenges to overcome

[ninedeadleaves]

"Lets just say someone contracts you to build a house"...Well, they didn't really contract you, did they? The point of this discussion is the fact that you consciously choose to change yourself (build a house) based on your opinion of yourself and its standing in the eyes of the one you want to build a house for. So they aren't contracting you to do anything - they're not saying 'You are not good enough for me. You must acquire a better, more compatible personality in order for me to deign notice you.' You're the one making that call.
Secondly, ask around. If you can't risk making yourself look like a fool in front of someone you want to share a house with, whilst doing something that means something to them, then should you really be in that house in the first place? Sure, go away and study, that's fine, but at what point do you start getting report cards?

[stae]

No they didn't contract me at all, but i didn't mean it literally i meant it more as a parable. furthermore i never expected that the whole dynamic would be based on a point system. i was just not ready emotionally, intellectually or psychologically ready for her.

there are nigh on thousands of analogies that i could draw upon to highlight the concept. the idea of learning to dance before asking a person to dance and trying to impress them with the chicken dance you learned in high school.

just like your synopsis on goths and their pseudo-intellectualism, you have obviously encountered people trying to sound more intelligent than they are. playing at a role that is just a front. some do not suffer fools lightly. i would rather be as genuine as i can than wear a mask and fumble my way through.

[ninedeadleaves]

Perhaps, but the way it sounds is as though the lines between mask and real skin blur and become indistinguishable. And I'm tired now, and I'm embroiled in a created world of my own, so I'm going to retire from discussions for the evening. Adieu.