Dead End

Oct 21, 2011 14:47

Mood swings again, and it's time for another update. I usually don't write in here unless I'm in a bad mood, I wish I'd write when I'm in a good mood. Though I can't really say I'm in a really bad mood either, I'm in like... all moods lol. That's what I get for writing when it's that time again. But I thought I'd update since I haven't updated since the whole disaster with a friend.

I didn't see a good outcome with that friend since we were fighting for so long, and we both have lots of trust issues because of past friends and relationships. But we actually patched things up! In my mind we're still patching, but I like where we are. We can have fun and forget about the past.

Another thing new, I found out things I didn't like. Unfriended a friend, and had a breakdown. I feel like I'm still trying to patch myself up over that too. I feel like I'm trying to patch myself up with really worn and ratty patches that have been tossed out, so I am worried that these patches won't work this time. But I'm trying my hardest...

I'm making myself (unconsciously) reevaluate everything, and myself. I'm seeking help from everyone to know what it takes and how to be an adult. But now I'm thinking is it wrong to find help in others? If I want this bad enough, I'll seek help by myself, online resources and whatnot. It just makes me so mad that I don't know anything, I can't do anything on my own, I've always had helping hands guide me through life, and now I feel even more helpless than I have when I was in my school days. For example, I'm asking my new assistant manager how to do things and his advice about things, but does he really know? Nobody knows what's best for me, and I keep asking them anyway. I've never had a chance to do anything my way, not that I would have known what my way was to begin with. I'm just afraid of everything. I'm afraid of the people I'm closest to, I'm afraid of strangers, I'm afraid of myself and my future. I'm trying to conquer that, but it's really hard.

Maybe I should just stop asking for advice and just get off my ass and do these things. I know what I have to do, I'm just afraid to start. I don't know where to start. Money is always an issue. I have money, but do I have the courage? I'm doubting myself because of my lack of motivation. I've never had the hang of this "life" thing.
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