Unsettling
I'm at a party. I know I was told to come but still I feel as if I'm not welcome. It's a decent size group of people who all seem to know one another. I'm thinking to myself that I just want to go home. Please, let me go home. So I go into the living room where I know he is and he greets me rather standoff-ish. I ask him to please take me home. As soon as it appears that I've lost interest, he is all warm and welcoming. Of course. He tried to cinvince me to stay but I tell him the stares I'm getting are making me very uncomfortable. I want to leave. So, we go outside to his vehicle. It is a truck (what he now drives) which promptly turns into a Jeep. (what he drove when we were together) There is an adolescent boy in the back seat. I ask who he is and he tells me it's his nephew. I say, "Oh, i thought it may have been her kid." He says to me, "I already told you... there is no one else as far as you're concerned. There will always be you. I will always have you."
This totally fucked me up. If you couldn't tell, it was a dream. I had it during my nap this afternoon. I keep having these dreams about him and I don't understand why the hell I can't just let it go. He never treated me bad... he just treats me indifferently which is even worse!!
I'm sick of only allowing myself to love or hold hope for what is so blatantly not right for me. I DO want a nice guy. I DO want to be treated with respect and as an equal. I DO want to be appreciated for all that I give in my life.
WHY is the universe making me wait so long and be so miserable? I try to simply acknowlege these feelings and release them but clearly I'm not doing it well enough.
I don't like how I feel. I feel very unloveable and undesireable right now. I know it can't be true but every now and then I'd like someone who is worth some time and effort to come along and help me reassure myself that I do have a lot to offer and that someone other than my close female friends see that.
*SIGH*
I am a desireable person. I do have a lot to offer and some day, someone will see that, and it will totally have been worth the wait. I am not perfect but that only makes me love myself more.
Everything happens for a reason. Everything happens for a reason. Everything happens for a reason.
This totally fucked me up. If you couldn't tell, it was a dream. I had it during my nap this afternoon. I keep having these dreams about him and I don't understand why the hell I can't just let it go. He never treated me bad... he just treats me indifferently which is even worse!!
I'm sick of only allowing myself to love or hold hope for what is so blatantly not right for me. I DO want a nice guy. I DO want to be treated with respect and as an equal. I DO want to be appreciated for all that I give in my life.
WHY is the universe making me wait so long and be so miserable? I try to simply acknowlege these feelings and release them but clearly I'm not doing it well enough.
I don't like how I feel. I feel very unloveable and undesireable right now. I know it can't be true but every now and then I'd like someone who is worth some time and effort to come along and help me reassure myself that I do have a lot to offer and that someone other than my close female friends see that.
*SIGH*
I am a desireable person. I do have a lot to offer and some day, someone will see that, and it will totally have been worth the wait. I am not perfect but that only makes me love myself more.
Everything happens for a reason. Everything happens for a reason. Everything happens for a reason.