(no subject)
my insides are twisting....i feel sick....lightheaded and felt pukey the last 2 days
things i emailed to myself on facebook and yahoo that i dont want to loose:
JULY 20, 2006
this dying heart of mine
grows cold and i cant find it
you are the needle prickto mortal woundsand -im-still-holding-you-
my body aches with pain
your touch just make me suffer
your hand creaps under thingsand im your dollbut -im-still-im-holding-YOU
{-cant- -be- ...the one to win me over
but i allow your force to bring me down
-this-cant-be in my future and i knowwwiam trapped
help me tear our flesh appart
slower sway rock for a few seconds
::tear our flesh apart::
then it breaks into fast and heavy
and im still holding-
your eyes peirce into me
glass thrown from every angle
your chidlish ways are dullto fit my toneand -im-still-holding-you
{cant-be- theonetowinme over
but-iallow-yourforcetobringme down
-this-cant-be- in my future and i knowwwiam trapped
help tear us apart
i dont know if its love
but some how i cant shake it
maybe this present fearwill soon be clearedcuz -icant-stop-holding-you
AUGUST 7, 2006
i feed off the negative
those who scream those who pout
endless headaches in the house of pain
im asked
what is wronge with me
but its cuz im in the house of negativity
AUGUST 24, 2006
TO MY DAD:
you dont deserve me now
you dont even know who i am anymore
and thats worth signing about you wont admit it to yourself
yoru babys done crying now
you haev left me long ago like you wanted to
left teh child hanging on the phone like you wanted to
adn that child has left you and you are pulling near
your still too damn far away from it all
but im still here
you think you did nothing wronge
you thought only about your son and
now im listening to him say the same things that you
put through his head
adn your babys not your baby no more
you have left me long ago like you wanted too and now
the child is hanging up the telephone like you wanted too
you try to come near but im the one pulling awayf rom you now
your still too damn far away from it all
but i stay here
"""music break"""
you dont deserve my talk
when you hold me i stand my ground
you may ask what the hell is wrong with me
but i know that its not the same as it used to be
NOVEMBER 5, 2007
they say ive got it made
never will i feel that way
my pride will fail
hells provail
feeling nonsense
i roam
kick my feet im falling faster
reaching out my hand do grasp it
help me rise dont make me fall
dont let the pain win over me
i cry about most random things
mostly everything i keep inside
i fear my mind with pressure in time
will fall short with age and die
so many things the past does hide
the present makes them come back to life
i hold in my hand the life i lead
by every needle peircing me
a sense of calming a grand of peace
my mirror knows more than i do of me
i wish these things werent here with me
the sense of smallness and its beauty
i see much more than others see
because my mind is set too deep
ive had the councel councel me
turn me away i shrink in shame
just give me pills to rest my mind
i want to sleep but purely breath
im so confused with what life puts forth
dont blame anyone for not helping me
i am not vain but look all the time
i need to see that im still alive
hidden behind the glass of time
i wait for recovery and battle my hell
i am not a zombie death walks among me
i am sickened mind bashfully bodied
i am flesh and soal longing to shine
like a carefree child i wish to roam
DECEMBER 26, 2007
nirvana snippets
"take your time hurry up choice is yours dont be late take a rest as a friend"..."I'm so happy 'cause today
I've found my friends They're in my head I'm so ugly, but that's okay, 'cause so are you"..."Ive been locked inside your heart-shaped box for weeks"..."My favorite inside source I'll kiss your open sores I appreciate your concern You're gonna stink and burn"..." he said I was his friend Which came as a surprise, I spoke into his eyes Who knows? Not me I never lost control You're face to face"..."isn't me Haven't seen Let me clip Your dirty wings Let me take a ride don't cut yourself want some help have myself"
FEBRUARY 9, 2008
so i think im done being part of this game...i realize your heart will never be with me because its been a year now and you cant stand to see me everyday....you are my best friend and supposidly was a lil more than that but not enough be boyfriend but i wish i could be treated at the same level as your freinds from the past...i dont like how im pushed aside for your other people...im sorry for me not having friends...but maybe if you helped me out by actually inviting me along...but i know you cant do that because thats not you and you wouldnt want to leave me alone or make the impression to your friends that you actually have someone with you...im never invited when you get the chance and our plans are allways ruined...sorry for putting this on you as you being my best friend but if i mean more than treat me that way if you cant give that to me its goign to hurt like hell but i know that i have to leave you behind and move on...you say its school that that its to soon for you to find another girl but its been a year...adn i cant wait any longer....i thought i found the guy that i could be with for aery long time but i guess not....i would do anything for your family....i would drive across the city to be with you...but i know you wont do the same....that sucks but its true...you say even driving to my house is out of the way...that basicaly means seeing me is out of your way...thast fine it pushes me further away to realizing what an ass i am for staying and putting up with you...your really big on you and not really willing to let any one in...i want to be in but im starting to not want to anymore...and i know ill just be some other girl that youve been with cuz i know youll move on and not care...ill allways care for you but i dont think i can see you anymore....it hurts me to know you wont ever be fully accepting of having someone by your side...you want me to be just friends and i want to make you happy...my push to loose emotion for you starts now
FEBRUARY 27, 2008
he wont leave me alone and it hurts
songs that im listening to
jewel-foolish games
the wreckers-leave the pieces
merle haggard-dont you ever get tired
MARCH 2, 2008
#1
whatever is mine is yours cuz i cant keep hold of my own
aged by darkness shy by light i stand in grays
i need to learn me over
start out once again
a 20 somethin
what is somethin
on my own too many guides too many futures for me to choose from
im all alone stuck at home and here i stand ashamed
i need to learn me over
start out once again
a 20 somethin
whats that somethin
tales of how and what i should do with my life confuse me
possiblilities and thought of opportunities only drill me
school is overated overpriced ticket to the good life so it seems
what does it mean when you dont know
dont tell me im wrong for my choices i have made
dont shame me for not taking part in your ways
i may not know whats going on for me but i know what could
i just have to get there
somehow some way
but i stand ashamned
i need to learn me over
start out once again
i need to get my head straight
i know im behind the rest
a 20 something
what is something
i want something
#2
im saddened inside
loosing my pride
you broke me deep
i fell too deep
i should have known
stupid me
i should have seen with all the signs that youve givin me
the no you cant comes
the im goign out with out yous
oh im tired sorry hun
the plans are canceled maybe later cuz i haev another date
jerk
thast what you are
told me you didnt treat girls like that anymore
but i guess i was wrong
to beleive
must of been a line you use on girls like me
im not goign to plead
like right now you are
was too good to be true right from the start
our friends told me it was goign to be this way
but i ignored look where were at today
yeah im sad cuz i thought we were true
guess it goes with all manipulative things you do
your good with words you dont back down
dont you ever realize you might be wrong
oh wait you are
and i am too
im wrong for listening and giving into you
with all your lies love yous and crys
so that i wouldnt leave you but hey now im gone
your stubborn and too proud and i will not give in
im not your side click or wait what would you call it
side girlfriend
MARCH 31, 2008
you can be so stupid
never think your thoughts are wrong
the higher you stand the farther you fall
im hoping you fall down
ever think you could be the dull one
go ahead lift your head up higher
pass life by with no alaby
see how far you get
how far you fall
you are so misguided
mind revolves around the books
stop and view it in other ways
your smart enough to know
theres more than one
i
read right through you
your just running scared
you seem like your prepared
oh inside
you are lost
bound to image
heres your wake up call
can i smack you
MAY 13, 2008
you gave me all that ive ever wanted
fed my mind with all your lies
you gave me confidence within me
until you push me and made me cry
you were the best and fall in last
thats who you are to me now
love for you stil remains
the memories will stay within me
they're stuck the good and the bad
i do and dont want you back
please just leave me alone
please just let me go
your flowers are a nice gesture for apology
and im not
accepting im hurt to bad
you said you wouldnt treat us this way anymore
you said
you couldnt do it again
youve made me stronger to leave you
our thing was full of your lies
for months i tried to say goodbyes
please just leave me alone
please just let me go
the memories will stay within me
they're stuck the good and the bad
i do and dont wnt you back
please just leave me alone
let unlove you so
please just let me go
things i emailed to myself on facebook and yahoo that i dont want to loose:
JULY 20, 2006
this dying heart of mine
grows cold and i cant find it
you are the needle prickto mortal woundsand -im-still-holding-you-
my body aches with pain
your touch just make me suffer
your hand creaps under thingsand im your dollbut -im-still-im-holding-YOU
{-cant- -be- ...the one to win me over
but i allow your force to bring me down
-this-cant-be in my future and i knowwwiam trapped
help me tear our flesh appart
slower sway rock for a few seconds
::tear our flesh apart::
then it breaks into fast and heavy
and im still holding-
your eyes peirce into me
glass thrown from every angle
your chidlish ways are dullto fit my toneand -im-still-holding-you
{cant-be- theonetowinme over
but-iallow-yourforcetobringme down
-this-cant-be- in my future and i knowwwiam trapped
help tear us apart
i dont know if its love
but some how i cant shake it
maybe this present fearwill soon be clearedcuz -icant-stop-holding-you
AUGUST 7, 2006
i feed off the negative
those who scream those who pout
endless headaches in the house of pain
im asked
what is wronge with me
but its cuz im in the house of negativity
AUGUST 24, 2006
TO MY DAD:
you dont deserve me now
you dont even know who i am anymore
and thats worth signing about you wont admit it to yourself
yoru babys done crying now
you haev left me long ago like you wanted to
left teh child hanging on the phone like you wanted to
adn that child has left you and you are pulling near
your still too damn far away from it all
but im still here
you think you did nothing wronge
you thought only about your son and
now im listening to him say the same things that you
put through his head
adn your babys not your baby no more
you have left me long ago like you wanted too and now
the child is hanging up the telephone like you wanted too
you try to come near but im the one pulling awayf rom you now
your still too damn far away from it all
but i stay here
"""music break"""
you dont deserve my talk
when you hold me i stand my ground
you may ask what the hell is wrong with me
but i know that its not the same as it used to be
NOVEMBER 5, 2007
they say ive got it made
never will i feel that way
my pride will fail
hells provail
feeling nonsense
i roam
kick my feet im falling faster
reaching out my hand do grasp it
help me rise dont make me fall
dont let the pain win over me
i cry about most random things
mostly everything i keep inside
i fear my mind with pressure in time
will fall short with age and die
so many things the past does hide
the present makes them come back to life
i hold in my hand the life i lead
by every needle peircing me
a sense of calming a grand of peace
my mirror knows more than i do of me
i wish these things werent here with me
the sense of smallness and its beauty
i see much more than others see
because my mind is set too deep
ive had the councel councel me
turn me away i shrink in shame
just give me pills to rest my mind
i want to sleep but purely breath
im so confused with what life puts forth
dont blame anyone for not helping me
i am not vain but look all the time
i need to see that im still alive
hidden behind the glass of time
i wait for recovery and battle my hell
i am not a zombie death walks among me
i am sickened mind bashfully bodied
i am flesh and soal longing to shine
like a carefree child i wish to roam
DECEMBER 26, 2007
nirvana snippets
"take your time hurry up choice is yours dont be late take a rest as a friend"..."I'm so happy 'cause today
I've found my friends They're in my head I'm so ugly, but that's okay, 'cause so are you"..."Ive been locked inside your heart-shaped box for weeks"..."My favorite inside source I'll kiss your open sores I appreciate your concern You're gonna stink and burn"..." he said I was his friend Which came as a surprise, I spoke into his eyes Who knows? Not me I never lost control You're face to face"..."isn't me Haven't seen Let me clip Your dirty wings Let me take a ride don't cut yourself want some help have myself"
FEBRUARY 9, 2008
so i think im done being part of this game...i realize your heart will never be with me because its been a year now and you cant stand to see me everyday....you are my best friend and supposidly was a lil more than that but not enough be boyfriend but i wish i could be treated at the same level as your freinds from the past...i dont like how im pushed aside for your other people...im sorry for me not having friends...but maybe if you helped me out by actually inviting me along...but i know you cant do that because thats not you and you wouldnt want to leave me alone or make the impression to your friends that you actually have someone with you...im never invited when you get the chance and our plans are allways ruined...sorry for putting this on you as you being my best friend but if i mean more than treat me that way if you cant give that to me its goign to hurt like hell but i know that i have to leave you behind and move on...you say its school that that its to soon for you to find another girl but its been a year...adn i cant wait any longer....i thought i found the guy that i could be with for aery long time but i guess not....i would do anything for your family....i would drive across the city to be with you...but i know you wont do the same....that sucks but its true...you say even driving to my house is out of the way...that basicaly means seeing me is out of your way...thast fine it pushes me further away to realizing what an ass i am for staying and putting up with you...your really big on you and not really willing to let any one in...i want to be in but im starting to not want to anymore...and i know ill just be some other girl that youve been with cuz i know youll move on and not care...ill allways care for you but i dont think i can see you anymore....it hurts me to know you wont ever be fully accepting of having someone by your side...you want me to be just friends and i want to make you happy...my push to loose emotion for you starts now
FEBRUARY 27, 2008
he wont leave me alone and it hurts
songs that im listening to
jewel-foolish games
the wreckers-leave the pieces
merle haggard-dont you ever get tired
MARCH 2, 2008
#1
whatever is mine is yours cuz i cant keep hold of my own
aged by darkness shy by light i stand in grays
i need to learn me over
start out once again
a 20 somethin
what is somethin
on my own too many guides too many futures for me to choose from
im all alone stuck at home and here i stand ashamed
i need to learn me over
start out once again
a 20 somethin
whats that somethin
tales of how and what i should do with my life confuse me
possiblilities and thought of opportunities only drill me
school is overated overpriced ticket to the good life so it seems
what does it mean when you dont know
dont tell me im wrong for my choices i have made
dont shame me for not taking part in your ways
i may not know whats going on for me but i know what could
i just have to get there
somehow some way
but i stand ashamned
i need to learn me over
start out once again
i need to get my head straight
i know im behind the rest
a 20 something
what is something
i want something
#2
im saddened inside
loosing my pride
you broke me deep
i fell too deep
i should have known
stupid me
i should have seen with all the signs that youve givin me
the no you cant comes
the im goign out with out yous
oh im tired sorry hun
the plans are canceled maybe later cuz i haev another date
jerk
thast what you are
told me you didnt treat girls like that anymore
but i guess i was wrong
to beleive
must of been a line you use on girls like me
im not goign to plead
like right now you are
was too good to be true right from the start
our friends told me it was goign to be this way
but i ignored look where were at today
yeah im sad cuz i thought we were true
guess it goes with all manipulative things you do
your good with words you dont back down
dont you ever realize you might be wrong
oh wait you are
and i am too
im wrong for listening and giving into you
with all your lies love yous and crys
so that i wouldnt leave you but hey now im gone
your stubborn and too proud and i will not give in
im not your side click or wait what would you call it
side girlfriend
MARCH 31, 2008
you can be so stupid
never think your thoughts are wrong
the higher you stand the farther you fall
im hoping you fall down
ever think you could be the dull one
go ahead lift your head up higher
pass life by with no alaby
see how far you get
how far you fall
you are so misguided
mind revolves around the books
stop and view it in other ways
your smart enough to know
theres more than one
i
read right through you
your just running scared
you seem like your prepared
oh inside
you are lost
bound to image
heres your wake up call
can i smack you
MAY 13, 2008
you gave me all that ive ever wanted
fed my mind with all your lies
you gave me confidence within me
until you push me and made me cry
you were the best and fall in last
thats who you are to me now
love for you stil remains
the memories will stay within me
they're stuck the good and the bad
i do and dont want you back
please just leave me alone
please just let me go
your flowers are a nice gesture for apology
and im not
accepting im hurt to bad
you said you wouldnt treat us this way anymore
you said
you couldnt do it again
youve made me stronger to leave you
our thing was full of your lies
for months i tried to say goodbyes
please just leave me alone
please just let me go
the memories will stay within me
they're stuck the good and the bad
i do and dont wnt you back
please just leave me alone
let unlove you so
please just let me go