Karl
I had to get some of this out, as it was eating me up inside. I don't think Karl knows about this journal, so it should be safe to post here, coz i don't think he'd ever read it.
Karl and i got together for the first time last year. It didn't last very long and i didn't love him. I know that i hurt him, even though i didn't mean it. He feel hard and fast, and even though it only lasted a couple of weeks, i hurt him, because i didn't feel the same way about him, and i wasn't ready for a serious relationship at the time.
We happened to bump into each other early this year. To tell the truth i didn't even recognise him, and so, wasn't at all hurt when he ignored me, but he messaged me to apologise the next day. And that was the begining. We hooked up the next week it think, and were together from then on. He moved in (to quickly) and things were good. We fought a lot, which is not something that I'm used to at all. After a while, he admited to me that he wan't sure he was ready to be with only me for the rest of his life. Not yet anyway. That was one of the hardest moments i my life, because i knew that i had to let him go, even though i didn't want to. He asked me to wait for him. This pretty much brings us up to date. I have waited, and waited, adn occasionally he actually is there, talks to me, or messages me, or says hello. But mostly it has just been painful and lonely. I know that he has been with other girls, adn that hurts, but i have no right to be hurt. We aren't together, but I'm not really single either. Everytime i get close to someone else, or close to getting over him, he makes me feel guilty, or feel like I'm hurting him, and because i still love him, i can't do that. I don't think he does it intentionally, but i don't know, because he never tells me whats going on in his head. I miss him, and i want him to be a part of my life, but he doesn't seem to want to be. He doesn't want to be with me, but doesn't want me to be with anyone else either. It's very lonely, and i have to go through it seeing, and knowing that the person that i love, is off with other people...he has even used the L word with one of them, and yet, i am meant to wait around and trust that he still loves me, and that he want's me to wait, and that I'm not wasting my time.
We talked about 2 weeks ago, and i was so ahppy int eh following days. Thats till we saw Catia one night when we went out. He had been messaging her, about how much he wants her, and loves her....i was broken. Shattered. Just a few days before he had said he wanted me to wait, and that he loved me!! What was i meant to think? What was i meant to do? He is single, so the picking up, although it hurst, is none of my business, isn't the bit that ripped me appart, it was the use of the love word...the same word that was keeping me hanging on. Was he lieing to me, was he lieing to her....i didn't know what to think, but it all started to add up in my mind. He very very rarely contacted me, i was always the one to do that. He didn't spend any time with me, or make time for me...things that i think you do for someone you love.
I didn't know what to do. I felt hopeless. I had a house warming party on, a week later,a dn i thought that if he actually cared about me at all, he would turn up. I had stressed how important it was to me, and if he actually loved me, then it would have been important enough for him to remember and to come. But in my heart of hearts, i knew h wouldn't, but that didn't stop me from hoping that he would. He didn't come. I had tried to play down how imortant it was that he came in my head....but when the end of the evening came, adn he wasn't there...i can't even describe it. The dissapointment, adn the hurt adn the pain, becasue it didn't just say he wasn't coming, but it said how little he thought of me. Me, the person that doesn't go a day without thinking of him.
I messaged him, and told him that i couldn't wait anymore. And that if he didn't like that then he could do something abotu it...but i never even got a message back. He doesn't love me. And that is so hard to say, and to tell the truth, even in saying that, i secretly hope that I'm wrong, but i don't think i am....still that hope is there...that he WILL do something...anything, so show me that I'm wrong.
It feels like i have broken up with him all over again. Everyone is sick of hearing about it, and one of the hardest things is to have to act like everything is fine arouns my friends, so that they don't get frustrated with me. It hurts SO much. So deeply, and i struggle to get through each moment. I would do anything to stop hurting so much. To be ok again.
I don't know what to do...honestly, i have no idea how to get through this, do deal with this. I have never been so hurt before in my life, because i have never loved anyone like this before.
I don't know what to do.
Karl and i got together for the first time last year. It didn't last very long and i didn't love him. I know that i hurt him, even though i didn't mean it. He feel hard and fast, and even though it only lasted a couple of weeks, i hurt him, because i didn't feel the same way about him, and i wasn't ready for a serious relationship at the time.
We happened to bump into each other early this year. To tell the truth i didn't even recognise him, and so, wasn't at all hurt when he ignored me, but he messaged me to apologise the next day. And that was the begining. We hooked up the next week it think, and were together from then on. He moved in (to quickly) and things were good. We fought a lot, which is not something that I'm used to at all. After a while, he admited to me that he wan't sure he was ready to be with only me for the rest of his life. Not yet anyway. That was one of the hardest moments i my life, because i knew that i had to let him go, even though i didn't want to. He asked me to wait for him. This pretty much brings us up to date. I have waited, and waited, adn occasionally he actually is there, talks to me, or messages me, or says hello. But mostly it has just been painful and lonely. I know that he has been with other girls, adn that hurts, but i have no right to be hurt. We aren't together, but I'm not really single either. Everytime i get close to someone else, or close to getting over him, he makes me feel guilty, or feel like I'm hurting him, and because i still love him, i can't do that. I don't think he does it intentionally, but i don't know, because he never tells me whats going on in his head. I miss him, and i want him to be a part of my life, but he doesn't seem to want to be. He doesn't want to be with me, but doesn't want me to be with anyone else either. It's very lonely, and i have to go through it seeing, and knowing that the person that i love, is off with other people...he has even used the L word with one of them, and yet, i am meant to wait around and trust that he still loves me, and that he want's me to wait, and that I'm not wasting my time.
We talked about 2 weeks ago, and i was so ahppy int eh following days. Thats till we saw Catia one night when we went out. He had been messaging her, about how much he wants her, and loves her....i was broken. Shattered. Just a few days before he had said he wanted me to wait, and that he loved me!! What was i meant to think? What was i meant to do? He is single, so the picking up, although it hurst, is none of my business, isn't the bit that ripped me appart, it was the use of the love word...the same word that was keeping me hanging on. Was he lieing to me, was he lieing to her....i didn't know what to think, but it all started to add up in my mind. He very very rarely contacted me, i was always the one to do that. He didn't spend any time with me, or make time for me...things that i think you do for someone you love.
I didn't know what to do. I felt hopeless. I had a house warming party on, a week later,a dn i thought that if he actually cared about me at all, he would turn up. I had stressed how important it was to me, and if he actually loved me, then it would have been important enough for him to remember and to come. But in my heart of hearts, i knew h wouldn't, but that didn't stop me from hoping that he would. He didn't come. I had tried to play down how imortant it was that he came in my head....but when the end of the evening came, adn he wasn't there...i can't even describe it. The dissapointment, adn the hurt adn the pain, becasue it didn't just say he wasn't coming, but it said how little he thought of me. Me, the person that doesn't go a day without thinking of him.
I messaged him, and told him that i couldn't wait anymore. And that if he didn't like that then he could do something abotu it...but i never even got a message back. He doesn't love me. And that is so hard to say, and to tell the truth, even in saying that, i secretly hope that I'm wrong, but i don't think i am....still that hope is there...that he WILL do something...anything, so show me that I'm wrong.
It feels like i have broken up with him all over again. Everyone is sick of hearing about it, and one of the hardest things is to have to act like everything is fine arouns my friends, so that they don't get frustrated with me. It hurts SO much. So deeply, and i struggle to get through each moment. I would do anything to stop hurting so much. To be ok again.
I don't know what to do...honestly, i have no idea how to get through this, do deal with this. I have never been so hurt before in my life, because i have never loved anyone like this before.
I don't know what to do.