Icky dream and musings...
I had this dream on Saturday morning before I went to BA.
What I remember of it at the end, is I was placed in a supposedly "nice" room at a hotel, with someone else, and we were given an incredibly nasty looking room, with two beds that were covered in a cat fur covered moldy coverlet, which hid an insect infested mattress/futon/sofa bed. It was quite disgusting in the dirt, but it was not cluttered... and I stared at it all, and realized that this is how I am feeling right now while I was still dreaming.
It is also how I feel about my living conditions surrounding me. Maybe the world around me is a reflection of what's going on inside. And while my home is quite cluttered now, my home is nowhere near that bad in cleanliness. Although the few ants that wander into my bathrooms make my skin crawl sometimes (they are looking for something, and I have no food or sweets in either bathroom, tho I am wondering about the kids' toothpaste).
So, with that image in mind... I've been pondering my reaction to it. I think it may be fear that if I don't do the work on this house I need to do, it will end up just like that dream, and no one wants that, least of all me. This may be a reflection of the confused and messed up interior of my self... but I do not want to live in it, and I don't want my family and friends to live or be in it, either.
The other thing going round and round is that I have been avoiding the jobs I took on when I became a SAHM. I don't want to be a house maid. I don't want to do the laundry. I don't want to be the cook, and chauffeur, and every other position my current "job" demands. But that is what I am supposed to do in this position. I don't know anyone who loved doing it, except my Mom. And I now know all to well just how bad she was at some of it. Yeah, she could vacuum the rug, wash clothes, and iron my shirts like no one I knew, but the wall washing in the kitchen? Eh, I don't think she ever touched it (at least I have done so in mine).
And I also realized that as a child, I only had to clean my room and do my laundry and dishes... the same stuff I am doing now. That house I grew up in was in such a state of disrepair, that things like washing the floors (except the kitchen), or much of anything else to clean the house that normal families have to get done in their homes, were not done there, and most definitely not done by me. So, I didn't learn how to do my current job properly.
And today, I came to realize that this is my "job", like it or not. Cam asked me today what I would be doing, if I didn't have any kids. I started to tell him that I would be at work... and then realized as I was cleaning up the toilet, that this *is* my work, and this is no different in some aspects as a janitor or Merry Maid or anyone else doing what I now do, except they get paid for it, and I do not. And if *I* degrade my own house work, then what am I teaching my children about doing house work? They need to learn eventually, or they won't keep their future homes in a state of respectibility (even if it may end up as cluttered as my own).
So, I started to really get into house cleaning again; this week is our master bathroom, and will go from there. And not just decluttering, but really cleaning stuff that my Mom didn't do. Today, I cleaned the counter, sinks, mirror, oiled the wood cabinets, disinfected the outside and inside of the toilet, swept the floors and carpets, even cleaned the dust from the glass light globes, and wiped down the toilet room floor with bleach wipes. I will take a photo tomorrow of my master bathroom, when it is all clean again, as I have tub and shower to clean up.
And I even cleaned most of the dishes in the sink tonight. It will be shiny before I head to bed, which will be soon.
What I remember of it at the end, is I was placed in a supposedly "nice" room at a hotel, with someone else, and we were given an incredibly nasty looking room, with two beds that were covered in a cat fur covered moldy coverlet, which hid an insect infested mattress/futon/sofa bed. It was quite disgusting in the dirt, but it was not cluttered... and I stared at it all, and realized that this is how I am feeling right now while I was still dreaming.
It is also how I feel about my living conditions surrounding me. Maybe the world around me is a reflection of what's going on inside. And while my home is quite cluttered now, my home is nowhere near that bad in cleanliness. Although the few ants that wander into my bathrooms make my skin crawl sometimes (they are looking for something, and I have no food or sweets in either bathroom, tho I am wondering about the kids' toothpaste).
So, with that image in mind... I've been pondering my reaction to it. I think it may be fear that if I don't do the work on this house I need to do, it will end up just like that dream, and no one wants that, least of all me. This may be a reflection of the confused and messed up interior of my self... but I do not want to live in it, and I don't want my family and friends to live or be in it, either.
The other thing going round and round is that I have been avoiding the jobs I took on when I became a SAHM. I don't want to be a house maid. I don't want to do the laundry. I don't want to be the cook, and chauffeur, and every other position my current "job" demands. But that is what I am supposed to do in this position. I don't know anyone who loved doing it, except my Mom. And I now know all to well just how bad she was at some of it. Yeah, she could vacuum the rug, wash clothes, and iron my shirts like no one I knew, but the wall washing in the kitchen? Eh, I don't think she ever touched it (at least I have done so in mine).
And I also realized that as a child, I only had to clean my room and do my laundry and dishes... the same stuff I am doing now. That house I grew up in was in such a state of disrepair, that things like washing the floors (except the kitchen), or much of anything else to clean the house that normal families have to get done in their homes, were not done there, and most definitely not done by me. So, I didn't learn how to do my current job properly.
And today, I came to realize that this is my "job", like it or not. Cam asked me today what I would be doing, if I didn't have any kids. I started to tell him that I would be at work... and then realized as I was cleaning up the toilet, that this *is* my work, and this is no different in some aspects as a janitor or Merry Maid or anyone else doing what I now do, except they get paid for it, and I do not. And if *I* degrade my own house work, then what am I teaching my children about doing house work? They need to learn eventually, or they won't keep their future homes in a state of respectibility (even if it may end up as cluttered as my own).
So, I started to really get into house cleaning again; this week is our master bathroom, and will go from there. And not just decluttering, but really cleaning stuff that my Mom didn't do. Today, I cleaned the counter, sinks, mirror, oiled the wood cabinets, disinfected the outside and inside of the toilet, swept the floors and carpets, even cleaned the dust from the glass light globes, and wiped down the toilet room floor with bleach wipes. I will take a photo tomorrow of my master bathroom, when it is all clean again, as I have tub and shower to clean up.
And I even cleaned most of the dishes in the sink tonight. It will be shiny before I head to bed, which will be soon.