(no subject)
Title: The First Time Rich Meets Erik (And What It Means)
Author: soupypictures
Rating: PG-13
Pairing: Barry Zito/Rich Harden (San Francisco Giants/Oakland Athletics [shhhh])
Summary: Zito has a kid.
Notes: The song was "The Freshmen" by The Verve Pipe, covered by the one and only Bronson Arroyo and sent to me by lady_lilith.
Disclaimer: I don't own them, I mean no harm, I'm not making any money off of this, and I don't claim that any of this is true.
Harden holds out his hands for Erik and Zito hands over the sleeping four-year-old obligingly. Harden looks back over his shoulder as he leads Zito through the house. "These kids. They're going to be the death of me."
Zito laughs, side-stepping a pile of obviously dirty clothes. "Who, Eric and Diego? My Erik?" Zito asks, nodding at the couch where Chavez and his eight-year-old are napping.
"No! The fucking - sorry - the rookies. And Travis. Oh my God, did you hear about Travis?"
"What'd he do?"
"Broke his thumb. Again!"
"Is Bobby still on the DL?"
Rich slides open the glass door to the backyard and scoffs. "When's he not on the DL?"
Zito shrugs, following him outside. Harden paces in the backyard, rubbing Erik's back. He's visibly nervous, Zito can see; that's why he'd called him this morning and asked for him to bring over Erik. "Rich-"
Harden holds up the hand he was using to rub Erik's back. "Just. Don't."
--
Zito wanders back into the house and finds Diego looking up at him silently. Zito can see Chavez's injuries in the kid's eyes and it breaks his heart.
Diego holds out his hands, motioning for a piggy-back ride and Zito laughs quietly, hoping not to wake up Chavez. "Dude, you're so big now."
Diego narrows his eyes. "You're still bigger."
"You have a good point," Zito concedes, turning his back to Diego and hooking his arms around the kid's legs. Diego's arms wind around his neck. "How's your dad?" he asks, walking into the kitchen and around the table a couple times before setting Diego down on the counter.
"Cold."
"Cold?"
"He ices a lot."
"Oh. Are you hungry?"
Diego shakes his head and knocks his feet back against the cabinets. Zito fixes himself a bowl of cereal and sits at the table so that he can see Diego. "Do you know what time the guys will get up?"
Diego shrugs, still kicking his feet. "They don't play today."
"I know. Just … " Zito sighs, looking out of the kitchen towards the backyard, where Harden's still pacing with the sleeping Erik.
"Dad misses you."
Zito looks back at Diego, who has his head down, watching his feet swing back and forth. "I know."
"Why don't you come around more? He likes seeing the baby."
"He's not a baby anymore," Zito corrects automatically.
"Uncle Rich still holds him like one."
"Uncle Rich-" Zito breaks off.
"It's okay," Diego says quietly, hopping down off the counter. "Your cereal's getting soggy, Z. Don't waste your food."
Zito watches as Diego makes his way back to the couch, checking a timer on the coffee table and unwinding the ice wrap from Chavez's shoulder.
Chavez doesn't stir.
--
Erik wakes up in Harden's arms, briefly disoriented by the scenery. "You're not Daddy," he calmly whispers against Harden's neck. "Uncle Richie?" he asks, pulling back.
"Hey, kiddo."
"Why am I here?"
Harden kisses the boy's temple. "I wanted to see you."
Erik smiles brilliantly. Harden's heart clenches in his chest. "I wanted to see you, too!"
"Really?"
"Yeah!" Erik kisses Harden's cheek and wiggles to be let down.
Harden holds tight. "Let's go find your dad, okay?"
"Can I walk?"
"Soon you're going to be too big for me to carry. Let me take you."
Erik just nods and buries his face in Harden's shirt. "You don't smell like Froot Loops."
Harden slides open the glass door and steps through. "Why should I smell like Froot Loops?"
"That's what Daddy smells like."
"Your father is not an adult," Harden says, crossing the living room and seeing that Chavez is still asleep on the couch with Diego on the floor watching cartoons on mute. "Hey, Chavvy, wake up. It's lunchtime."
Chavez doesn't move.
Harden makes sure he's breathing and just lets him sleep.
--
Harden hadn't been healthy for what seemed like his entire adult life. He'd last pitched in May and it was now September. Half the guys on the team were in Sacramento a month ago and this was nothing new. He knew that he was only being kept around because someone in the front office felt guilty and someone else thought that soon enough would be enough and he'd pitch a whole season and win the Cy Young. He knew that he only stuck around because he didn't know anything else.
--
When Erik was born, Harden was trade bait. He'd had five solid starts in a row and was looking forward to getting out of Oakland. Chavez was the only one left and even he was only half there. He was keeping the occasional lancing shoulder pain quiet, swearing to himself that it was nothing and he was as close to getting out of Oakland as he'd ever be and if he fucked it up now he'd be stuck there forever. There was nothing left to play for in the green and gold and everyone on the field moved like they believed it.
The night after that fifth start he got a call from Zito, a voicemail in the clubhouse and he was halfway in his car before he realized he was leaving without telling anyone. He called one of his teammates and left a voicemail letting them know he was alive.
When he got to the hospital he tried to call Zito, but all the medical equipment was fucking with his reception so he got directions to the maternity ward from the receptionist and found Zito standing in front of the nursery, hands on the glass, not moving.
"Don't you have a game?" Zito asked without turning around.
"Which one is he?"
Zito pointed and Harden's breath caught in his throat. "Oh my God." When Harden saw the little human with half of Zito's DNA, he wanted to cry. "Z. He's-"
"Perfect."
"She doesn't want anything to do with him?"
Zito shook his head and looked at Harden for the first time. "She says, 'I can't be held responsible.' I'm all on my own."
Harden could see the barely-veiled panic in Zito's eyes and pressed a hand to his back. "No, I'll be here."
--
The next day, Harden let the trainer know about the shoulder pain, Beane bitched him out for close to an hour about how he was this close to a deal with the Cardinals and "I shouldn't be saying shit to you about the trade, but goddamnit, Rich! Don't you want out of here?"
Harden nodded half-heartedly, looked down at his shoes, and let Beane lash out at him for awhile more before heading back down to the training room to get treatment.
That night they placed him on the disabled list and called up a young right-hander from Sacramento to replace him.
--
Zito looks up when Harden sits down across from him at the kitchen table. "The guys should be wandering in pretty soon."
Zito cocks an eyebrow at his son. "How was your nap, buddy?"
Erik smiles and rubs the side of his face on Harden's shirt. "Good. I like Uncle Richie."
Zito reaches over to muss Erik's hair and levels a look at Harden. "We need to talk."
Harden stares back, silent.
"What do you gotta talk about?" Erik asks innocently.
"Uncle Richie's arm," Zito says quickly before Harden can get out a word.
"Hey, kiddo, why don't you go watch cartoons with Diego," Harden suggests, lowering Erik to the floor.
"I don't like it when the sound's off."
"You can tell Diego he can turn up the volume. Chavvy should wake up now anyway."
Erik nods and wanders from the kitchen. Zito waits until he's out of earshot before turning back to Harden.
"Rich."
"Shut the fuck up."
Zito rolls his eyes. "Are you serious? You're going to act like a five-year-old about this?"
"About what?" Harden challenges.
"You're in denial. It's not healthy," Zito says softly.
"Oh, because that's obviously unexpected," Harden snaps. "And you should talk! Let's talk about how fucked up you were when you knocked up Sara-"
"Rich-"
Buck waltzes into the kitchen in his boxers then, effectively pausing the conversation. "Hey, man! I didn't know you were in town!"
Harden rolls his eyes. "He's always in town."
"Where's Mini Zito?" Buck asks, pouring himself a cup of coffee and leaning against the counter.
"Living room with Chavvy and Diego."
"Oh man, Kid Chavez is here, too?"
"Dude, they have names."
Buck shoves Harden's good arm as he walks by towards the living room. "Cartoons! Nice seeing you, dude!"
"The death of me, I swear." Harden motions at Zito's soggy cereal. "You gonna eat that?"
Zito locks eyes with Harden. "Move in with me."
--
The night they took Erik home, Harden almost crashed twice. The first was when he got a call from Hudson and almost ran his car into the guardrail answering it. The second was when he called Crosby, forgetting about the time difference and braking just barely in time to avoid smashing into the car in front of him at the red light. Hudson wanted to know if the kid was really Zito's and Harden had almost cried when Crosby had hung up on him.
--
Harden thought he might be a little in love with Zito when he'd left for San Francisco but came to realize it was more than potential and more than a little when he saw Zito hold Erik for the first time.
Erik was tiny and perfect in Zito's arms and Harden couldn't do anything but stare. He was shaking so hard when Zito insisted on him holding the little baby, making him sit on the couch and gently placing Erik in his arms.
"I'm gonna break him, Z," Harden whispered.
"Nah, you're a natural. It's real hard to break a baby."
Harden was pretty sure that wasn't true, but then Erik opened his eyes and blinked up at Harden and let out a little baby sigh and Harden thought, mind racing, he didn't cry he didn't cry.
"See, I told you," Zito whispered, leaning over and kissing Erik's hair. "You stay here, I'll be right back."
Harden panicked, but Zito wasn't gone long and the camera shutter jerked him out of his staring contest with the infant.
"I have to take pictures, man. You and him look so cute together."
"We do?"
Zito took another photo. "Everyone looks adorable holding a baby."
Harden looked back down at Erik and sighed. "I should get home. Game tomorrow."
"Are you playing?"
Harden grimaced. "No, but I-"
"Stay here. You'll get to the park in time. Help me get the nursery set up."
Erik reached up then and Harden couldn't say no.
--
Harden blinks. "What?"
"Dude, if you're done, you're done. I've got plenty of room, you could take care of Erik-"
"I'm not going to be a fucking live-in babysitter."
"Fuck you; you know you're more than that to him and he's more than a charge to you." Zito pushes back his chair and stands up, leaving his untouched bowl of cereal on the table. "When you can stop being a dick about retiring, call me. We're going home."
Harden waits for their car to pull away before he lets himself feel.
--
Harden figures Zito will hear sooner or later, from the TV or the newspaper or another teammate.
When Zito finds out, Harden is at his house on the couch, napping with Erik. He's really just watching the kid sleep while Zito's picking up groceries. Zito is suddenly looming in front of him with his cell phone at his ear. He looks menacing and Harden is just glad that Zito wouldn't shout at him in front of Erik. Or hit him.
"Yeah. I'll talk to him." Zito flips the phone shut and tosses it onto the armchair. "So, you retired last week."
"Who was that?"
"Billy."
"Beane?"
"No, Koch. Come on, Rich. Why didn’t you tell me?"
"I don't think it's healthy that you have, like, friendly conversations with that motherfucker."
"Hey, watch your language and stop changing the subject. Why didn't you tell me?"
Harden sighs, defeated. He glances down at Erik, curled up by his side. "He … he wants to see me pitch someday."
"And we've both known for awhile now that isn't going to happen."
"But he doesn't know."
"I'm sure he does. He's a bright kid. He pays attention."
"That's not the point."
"Okay, then enlighten me." Zito sits down beside Harden, turning to face him. Harden remains silent. "Look, I know this is tough. It's one thing to be able to call it on your own terms, but to have it taken from you … it has to suck."
"You have no idea."
"You're right, I don't. But I saw it happen to Mulder. I know what kind of shit he went through trying to get back. I know the resentment he felt toward me, toward everyone who was healthy but pissing it away because they didn't appreciate it. I've watched Chavvy nurse injuries almost every day of his career. I don't know how it feels, you're right. But I know what it looks like. I've never wanted that for you. So what's the point, Rich?"
Harden looks down at the boy again. "Erik's the last person on earth who has any faith left in me."
"I have faith in you."
"No, you just said that you knew I wouldn't-"
"I have no faith in your arm, that's true. I know what's wrong; you've flown out to a dozen specialists. It's not going to get well enough that you can pitch in the Majors. We know that."
"I don't know what I am if I'm not out there. If I'm not a part of that team."
"There is life outside Oakland, buddy, I guarantee you that. You'd probably be better off if Beane had pulled the trigger four and a half years ago. Get out there where it's closer to your native climate, all cold and snowy. Maybe you just weren't cold enough to keep your arm together," Zito tries to joke.
"I could have been traded."
"Billy says he wasn't going to get the kids he wanted, that they weren't going to pony up what you were worth."
"No, I wanted to stay. I had a choice, kind of. I stayed because I promised you I'd be here."
"You what?"
"At the hospital. I said that I'd be here, that you wouldn't have to raise him on your own." Harden looks up and Zito's face is a mask of shock. "Okay, and I had shoulder pain I was keeping quiet so I wouldn't have passed the physical anyway, but the point is- the real point is that before, I wanted out. And then there you were with this baby and you needed help and I was there and -" Harden interrupts himself thinking, what the fuck, why am I doing this, and presses his mouth to Zito's.
Zito is blinking in confusion when they break apart and Harden's heart drops a little. "Wait, what?"
"You didn’t know?"
Zito looks down at Erik then back up at Harden. "I'm gonna just go put him down. I'll be back."
It feels like hours to Harden, who straightens up the couch cushions and slips on his shoes in case he needs to make a hasty exit of embarrassment. "What the fuck, Harden, what the fuck were you thinking?" he berates himself quietly. He's shaking his head at himself when Zito shuffles back into the room, sitting heavily back on the couch. "Look, I'm sorry, I shouldn't have -"
"No, shh. It's okay. I just didn't want him waking up to that."
"I should go." Harden stands up to leave, but Zito pulls him back down by his left hand.
"Rich, I have faith in you."
"You don't have to-"
"Let me finish. Okay. If I didn't have faith in you I wouldn't have called you that night to come see him for the first time, I wouldn’t bring Erik over every time you asked to see him, I wouldn't have noticed how much you love that kid and how much he loves you. I keep you around, I let you stay with him while I'm grocery shopping not because you're a free babysitter but because I know it helps you. It helps me deal, too. Mulder had his family. Chavez has his. You have mine. You are mine."
Harden blinks at Zito, who's gazing at him hopefully with an unsure little smile. "You're a fucking girl, you know that, right?" he says after a moment.
"Dude, shut up, you're the one who brought up faith and shit."
"Unless I'm completely reading something wrong here, you just basically proposed to me."
"And that would make you the girl." Zito grins and Harden smirks and for the first time in awhile, Harden feels like everything might be okay.
--
"Baffled is a good look on you, Z," Harden laughed, leaning on the back of the couch and watching Zito try to change his son's diaper on the floor.
"Dude, shut up. It's harder than it looks."
"It's totally not. Here, I'll show you." Harden hopped over the couch and took over, tossing the wrapped up dirty diaper at Zito when he finished.
"Where the hell did you learn that?"
Harden shrugged, poking little Zito in the tummy and watching the baby flail a little. "What'd you name him anyway?"
"I haven't decided. I just call him Baby."
"He's like a week old. He needs a name."
"I know. I just don't want to make a mistake."
Harden shook his head and picked up the baby, carefully supporting his head and holding him close. "You're gonna make a lot of mistakes, man, you just got to accept it and not let it paralyze you." He paused, looking at the baby in his arms and considering. "He kind of looks like an Erik. With a K."
Zito sighed loudly, collapsing on the couch. "Okay."
"Okay?"
"Erik it is."
There was a long silence as Harden held Erik thoughtfully. "Did I seriously just name your firstborn?"
Zito smiled. "You sure did. I wouldn't have it any other way."
When I was young I knew everything
And she a punk who rarely ever took advice
Now I'm guilt stricken, sobbin' with my head on the floor
Stop a Baby's Breath and a shoe full of rice, no...
I can't be held responsible
'Cause she was touching her face
I won't be held responsible
She fell in love in the first place
For the life of me I cannot remember
What made us think that we were wise and we'd never compromise
For the life of me I cannot believe we'd ever die for these sins
We were merely freshmen
My best friend took a week's vacation to forget her
His girl took a week's worth of valium and slept
And now he's guilt stricken sobbin' with his head on the floor
Thinks about her now and how he never really wept he says
I can't be held responsible
'Cause she was touching her face
I won't be held responsible
She fell in love in the first place
For the life of me I cannot remember
What made us think that we were wise and we'd never compromise
For the life of me I cannot believe we'd ever die for these sins
We were merely freshmen
We've tried to wash our hands of all of this
We never talk of our lack in relationships
And how we're guilt stricken sobbin' with our heads on the floor
We fell through the ice when we tried not to slip, we'd say
I can't be held responsible
'Cause she was touching her face
And I won't be held responsible
She fell in love in the first place
For the life of me I cannot remember
What made us think that we were wise and we'd never compromise
For the life of me I cannot believe we'd ever die for these sins
We were merely freshmem
yay e yay e yay hey yay eya e yay
For the life of me I cannot remember
What made us think that we were wise and we'd never compromise
For the life of me I cannot believe we'd ever die for these sins
We were merely freshmen
We were merely freshmen
We were merely freshmen
We were only freshmen