It's Been A While
Almost done with my first year of grad school...things have been a lot better in terms of making/being around friends. I went to someone's 21 birthday party recently and got tipsy for the first time haha, but at least I finally got relaxed. I even got housing without hand-holding, with some people that I like (hopefully that will not change). And I love the program I am in so far.
So there is much to be thankful for, but on to the bad news: I sent a stalker message. It was totally uncalled for and sent to basically a total stranger who rightfully blocked me. Now I'm sitting here feeling like a total idiot. More and more I keep getting desperate to find that special someone, and each time I stumble, the idea that there is no such person grows and grows in my head, and it scares me like nothing else has...as reasonable as the idea actually is. After all, I'm not attractive at all, I have autism, and I have troubles simply being a good friend...so why would someone fall in love with me? And yet I feel like I fall in love with everyone. My heart is going off the rails and I don't think I can stop it. The more I try to take the initiative, the worse it gets.
God doesn't seem to be there to help me. Maybe I'm just such a bad case that he won't bother making my heart stop bleeding internally. Maybe he doesn't exist. Maybe everything's just random and I got the genetic shit that made it impossible for me to have another half out there.
I'm trying to study for the one final I have next week, so maybe that will keep me busy. I'm also part of a tomb raider level building competition. My heart will journey through its ups and downs. I just hope that, and the end of the ride, someone will be there to take my hand and save me from the nothing I am becoming.
So there is much to be thankful for, but on to the bad news: I sent a stalker message. It was totally uncalled for and sent to basically a total stranger who rightfully blocked me. Now I'm sitting here feeling like a total idiot. More and more I keep getting desperate to find that special someone, and each time I stumble, the idea that there is no such person grows and grows in my head, and it scares me like nothing else has...as reasonable as the idea actually is. After all, I'm not attractive at all, I have autism, and I have troubles simply being a good friend...so why would someone fall in love with me? And yet I feel like I fall in love with everyone. My heart is going off the rails and I don't think I can stop it. The more I try to take the initiative, the worse it gets.
God doesn't seem to be there to help me. Maybe I'm just such a bad case that he won't bother making my heart stop bleeding internally. Maybe he doesn't exist. Maybe everything's just random and I got the genetic shit that made it impossible for me to have another half out there.
I'm trying to study for the one final I have next week, so maybe that will keep me busy. I'm also part of a tomb raider level building competition. My heart will journey through its ups and downs. I just hope that, and the end of the ride, someone will be there to take my hand and save me from the nothing I am becoming.