SOME PICTURES I TOOK TODAY.
You know... even though in a lot of ways I'm moving on... I still go through some emotional bumps here and there over the whole transition thing. I'm not completely over it all, but I still don't feel like I need to talk about it constantly like I have in the last 3 1/2 years. I've got more chest surgery coming , but I don't even know if I'll be
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thanks for sharing this post. I really appreciate just how honest it is about the not so glamorous parts of all this. You don't hear to much about peoples struggles so whenever I'm down about how things are going on my journey I feel like it's me against the world.
Dude it blows that you are in an area where you keep getting such shitty medical help. It really is making an already taxing situation 100 times worse. I'm sorry.
Parts of me just want to live a life without worrying about these things, and I'm so looking forward to that day. I don't get to do much because all my money and time have been invested in this shit for the last few years. It gets old.
IAWTC. I've felt like this for so long bro. Even now. one of the things I'm dreading is that even though I've got the surgeries, the debt will still be following me around for at least 4 years. AT LEAST. So that freedom I hoped "finishing this" will bring is still a long way off.
But serious keep your head up because just like that, your luck can change. I've been running into brickwalls for 4 years and all of a sudden things just started working out. So hang in there.
Since I felt like shit last night, I did something nice for myself today. I did the facial hair thing, put on a tie, slapped some cologne on, took pictures.... it's not like I had any where fancy to go. It made me feel masculine, and attractive. It made me feel like things were ok again.
This sort of reminded me of what I used to do for myself when I was feeling shitty about my transition being held up, before I could start T.
i used to a) buy a pack of Men's underwear. Almost compulsively whenever i went shopping at walmart or Meijer's. I'd either go look at the underwear of buy a pack and b) draw on some facial hair and stare in the mirror wondering what I'd look like in a few years.
For some reason doing those things did make me feel like things were fine.
I wonder why that is...
PS. You are Handsome, I love these pics.
The first and last are my favs. The red Tie works. Every outfit needs a nice splash of color ;)
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Thank you so much for your words...
Man, I don't know what happened but LJ never alerted me when you posted this. Now it's like the 25th, and I finally just saw it...lol.
Yeah I think sometimes when I read other transguys journals they seem to have this thing where they don't describe the emotional parts of thier transitions more in depth. It makes me wonder if they're just trying to be stoic about it or if they really are some where deep down a bit tortured by the whole process like I am sometimes. With that said, I'm sure they are at certain moments...I guess not many of them want the humility of it out there for everyone to see. I understand. I think I'm guilty of the same thing sometimes... just recording the basics and not really getting down to the heart if things. I like your journal, you write how you feel, and how it's touching and changing different parts of your life... I can relate to a lot of it.
I emotinally crumbled because of the transition itself...like you well know, getting beyond all of it isn't easy...not by a long shot. The money part of things can be devistaing in itself if you're not careful with budgeting everything, and it just sucks...it's like you're putting your life on hold. It may be well worth it, but it's a huge sacrafice.
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