(no subject)
"And it came to me then that every plan is a tiny prayer to father time
As I stared at my shoes in the ICU that reeked of piss and 409
And I rationed my breathes as I said to myself that I'd already taken too much today
As each descending peak of the LCD took you a little farther away from me
Away from me
Amongst the vending machines and year-old magazines in a place where we only say goodbye
It stung like a violent wind that out memories depend on a faulty camera in our minds
But I knew that you were a truth I would rather lose than to have never lain beside at all
And I looked around at all the eyes on the ground as the TV entertained itself
'Cause there's no comfort in the waiting room
Just nervous pacers bracing for bad news
And then the nurse comes round and everyone will lift their heads
But I'm thinking of what Sarah said that "Love is watching someone die"
So who's going to watch you die?.."
-Deathcab For Cutie, "What sarah said"
:-/
Living with my grandmother is a constant reminder of my own mortality. She's lucky to have so many people constantly calling on her and coming by to tell her how much she means to them. She's surrounded by people that love her. When she dies, if it is in a hospital, they'll have to put her in somewhere with stadium seating so that everyone that wants to be there when she goes, can. I want to be there. It scares me that this means I'm hoping she'll pass before I leave...and I am, but that doesn't mean I want her to die...I hope.
"And it occured to me then, that every plan, is a tiny prayer to father time"
It scares me to think how far in the future my goals are. Am i gambling too much to look so far ahead? "100 Years" by Five for fighting also weighs on my mind...I'm 20, nearly 21, so that means I'm over 1/5 done. What have I done with myself? Is this why i feel so overwhelmingly lonely? I have lots of family around, but I still feel isolated. I also feel...hrrmm...unaccomplished. I know I have time, but what's time when i don't know what to do with it? It's a scary realization that I'm not who I want to be. I'm not doing anything important. I want to exist...not temporarily. I don't want to be immortal...I don't necessarily want to be remembered...but I want to have been important...no, not important... I want to have helped.
I want to love. I want to know that I can love and be loved and be content in that love. Family and friend love comes easily and sincerely...romance scares me. I feel so vulnerable with those I care about...especially girls.
I want someone to know how I feel without me vomiting my heart out like this. Sorry to all who actually read this. I don't like telling people how I feel...it feels like I'm whinning (and I am, but I don't want to be). Part of me is praying to make some connection with one of you on this subject. Part of me is hoping someone will just rebuke me for my futile sentiment. Tell me to stop bitching and do something. Tell me to stop bitching in general.
On a lighter note, I saw an amazing facebook group, the "fuck you, mr. paperclip from Microsoft Word" group. Genius.
As I stared at my shoes in the ICU that reeked of piss and 409
And I rationed my breathes as I said to myself that I'd already taken too much today
As each descending peak of the LCD took you a little farther away from me
Away from me
Amongst the vending machines and year-old magazines in a place where we only say goodbye
It stung like a violent wind that out memories depend on a faulty camera in our minds
But I knew that you were a truth I would rather lose than to have never lain beside at all
And I looked around at all the eyes on the ground as the TV entertained itself
'Cause there's no comfort in the waiting room
Just nervous pacers bracing for bad news
And then the nurse comes round and everyone will lift their heads
But I'm thinking of what Sarah said that "Love is watching someone die"
So who's going to watch you die?.."
-Deathcab For Cutie, "What sarah said"
:-/
Living with my grandmother is a constant reminder of my own mortality. She's lucky to have so many people constantly calling on her and coming by to tell her how much she means to them. She's surrounded by people that love her. When she dies, if it is in a hospital, they'll have to put her in somewhere with stadium seating so that everyone that wants to be there when she goes, can. I want to be there. It scares me that this means I'm hoping she'll pass before I leave...and I am, but that doesn't mean I want her to die...I hope.
"And it occured to me then, that every plan, is a tiny prayer to father time"
It scares me to think how far in the future my goals are. Am i gambling too much to look so far ahead? "100 Years" by Five for fighting also weighs on my mind...I'm 20, nearly 21, so that means I'm over 1/5 done. What have I done with myself? Is this why i feel so overwhelmingly lonely? I have lots of family around, but I still feel isolated. I also feel...hrrmm...unaccomplished. I know I have time, but what's time when i don't know what to do with it? It's a scary realization that I'm not who I want to be. I'm not doing anything important. I want to exist...not temporarily. I don't want to be immortal...I don't necessarily want to be remembered...but I want to have been important...no, not important... I want to have helped.
I want to love. I want to know that I can love and be loved and be content in that love. Family and friend love comes easily and sincerely...romance scares me. I feel so vulnerable with those I care about...especially girls.
I want someone to know how I feel without me vomiting my heart out like this. Sorry to all who actually read this. I don't like telling people how I feel...it feels like I'm whinning (and I am, but I don't want to be). Part of me is praying to make some connection with one of you on this subject. Part of me is hoping someone will just rebuke me for my futile sentiment. Tell me to stop bitching and do something. Tell me to stop bitching in general.
On a lighter note, I saw an amazing facebook group, the "fuck you, mr. paperclip from Microsoft Word" group. Genius.