The paradox of progress..
The paradox of progress...
... is that I grow each time I realize that I can only be where I am.
- Hugh Prather
that hurts because it's true for me.
but ever since i was little i said i would never end up like my mother; i would never be scared to leave this place. here i am. im scared. and not only that; ashamed.
part of me really wants to be scared. part of me really wants to leave because you are forced to see your true self when you are thrown into the unfamiliar. to become a part of something outside your comfort zone.
when i made all these plans when i was little i didn't know how terrifying it would be. i didn't know i would be here, making dirt for pay, living with my mother because everything about my life falls apart. i'm not saying i dont like my life. my life is beautiful. my friends are my family and they are beautiful. all the plans we are making and all the decisions we have made have molded us into really spectacular people. they've helped me grow in ways they cannot even imagine and i hope, for some, i have done the same.
i just want the courage to carry out my dreams. i'm afraid i lost it somewhere along the way. somewhere i'll never be able to find it.
moving on, something has been plaguing my mind lately. i can't remember where i read this, but somewhere it said that everyone will find that one truly intense love of their life, and once that is over and once you let go of it you will move on only to settle for the lesser loves of your life. you'll end up marrying your third or fifth most intense love. thats terrifying.
discouraging.
im in no way saying its fact but i can see it all around me. my father is still convinced that the woman he was dating before he met my mother was the love of his life. she died in a car accident, she and four others. she was pregnant with his child. my father was the only survivor of that accident. i dont know how he lived after that. if something happened to kyle, if something happened to katrina- i could not go on living. but i see him and i've asked about her and he gets this look when he talks about her and about the accident. a look i have never seen come from my father.
im not sure where i am going with this anymore...
in whole; i am terrified.
thank you for listening.
... is that I grow each time I realize that I can only be where I am.
- Hugh Prather
that hurts because it's true for me.
but ever since i was little i said i would never end up like my mother; i would never be scared to leave this place. here i am. im scared. and not only that; ashamed.
part of me really wants to be scared. part of me really wants to leave because you are forced to see your true self when you are thrown into the unfamiliar. to become a part of something outside your comfort zone.
when i made all these plans when i was little i didn't know how terrifying it would be. i didn't know i would be here, making dirt for pay, living with my mother because everything about my life falls apart. i'm not saying i dont like my life. my life is beautiful. my friends are my family and they are beautiful. all the plans we are making and all the decisions we have made have molded us into really spectacular people. they've helped me grow in ways they cannot even imagine and i hope, for some, i have done the same.
i just want the courage to carry out my dreams. i'm afraid i lost it somewhere along the way. somewhere i'll never be able to find it.
moving on, something has been plaguing my mind lately. i can't remember where i read this, but somewhere it said that everyone will find that one truly intense love of their life, and once that is over and once you let go of it you will move on only to settle for the lesser loves of your life. you'll end up marrying your third or fifth most intense love. thats terrifying.
discouraging.
im in no way saying its fact but i can see it all around me. my father is still convinced that the woman he was dating before he met my mother was the love of his life. she died in a car accident, she and four others. she was pregnant with his child. my father was the only survivor of that accident. i dont know how he lived after that. if something happened to kyle, if something happened to katrina- i could not go on living. but i see him and i've asked about her and he gets this look when he talks about her and about the accident. a look i have never seen come from my father.
im not sure where i am going with this anymore...
in whole; i am terrified.
thank you for listening.