(no subject)
Been thinking a lot lately - almost obsessively, I'm starting to think - about my motives & motivations for doing certain things. Namely, for the way I behave sexually. This is something that's not new for me - periodically, for reasons I've never been able to figure out, I'll start contemplating why I do the things I do, and I'll get stuck on it for days or weeks. So this is what I've been pondering...
Why do I fuck, and why do I fuck whop I do? I say constantly that it's simply because I like sex, b/c I take joy & pleasure from the passion I feel, and from the passion I imbue in others. And while this is true, part of me second guesses myself - which let me tell you, is a rather uncomfortable feeling. I like sex - in fact, I love sex. Not only in the obvious physical & emotional ways, but in some deeper, fascinated, intellectual way. This is, adter all, why I want to study sex as a career.
I have a lot of sex. Not as much as I think most of my friends believe I do, but to be suire, I probably have more sex than the average college=aged girl who is *not* usually in a "relationship" (in the traditional sense). I have gone out of my way, over the years, to learn as much about myself as possible, and to love myself as much as possible, so as to be sure I am doing the things I am for the right reasons - for healthy reasons. But still...there's is this little worm of doubt that finds its way into my mind, and makes me suspect, and worry, and brood....
Does the fact that I have a lot of sex make me a "bad girl"? If it does, and I care, does that mean I'm full of shit in regards to the things I tell people, the advice I offer others, sounding sage, wise, & educated? Does the fact that I sometimes have sex when I'm sad make me stupid, or a slut? Does the fact that I have a sex drive higher than most *everyone* I know make me a nympho? Does the fact that I feel this pressing urge to be certain that nearly everyone I interact with is sexually attracted to me make me a control freak, or some kind of weirdo? Does the fact that I sometimes look at sexual experiences (especially with people who I've not partnered before, and with whom I'm unlikely to partner again) as some type of conquest, make me a manipulative bitch? Does it make me shallow, and self-centered? Does it mean I'm concerned with the wrong things? And why the hell am I so retardedly possessive of people I've slept with, even when 1) i don't intend to sleep with them again and 2) i have ABSOLUTELY NO FREAKIN CLAIM to them?!?!?!
Does it mean I'm an utter hypocrite, lying to myself in everything I've ever told myself, all of my "healthy", "liberated", "liberal" views of sex?
I'm not sure, I don't know, and that scares the HELL out of me.
I spend a lot of time wondering why can't I just be friends with someone, w/o needing for there to be a sexual component. Why is it that I sometimes don't think a person is worth my time or effort if a) they don't express sexual interest in me or b) I don't feel sexual interest in them.
Why do I fuck, and why do I fuck whop I do? I say constantly that it's simply because I like sex, b/c I take joy & pleasure from the passion I feel, and from the passion I imbue in others. And while this is true, part of me second guesses myself - which let me tell you, is a rather uncomfortable feeling. I like sex - in fact, I love sex. Not only in the obvious physical & emotional ways, but in some deeper, fascinated, intellectual way. This is, adter all, why I want to study sex as a career.
I have a lot of sex. Not as much as I think most of my friends believe I do, but to be suire, I probably have more sex than the average college=aged girl who is *not* usually in a "relationship" (in the traditional sense). I have gone out of my way, over the years, to learn as much about myself as possible, and to love myself as much as possible, so as to be sure I am doing the things I am for the right reasons - for healthy reasons. But still...there's is this little worm of doubt that finds its way into my mind, and makes me suspect, and worry, and brood....
Does the fact that I have a lot of sex make me a "bad girl"? If it does, and I care, does that mean I'm full of shit in regards to the things I tell people, the advice I offer others, sounding sage, wise, & educated? Does the fact that I sometimes have sex when I'm sad make me stupid, or a slut? Does the fact that I have a sex drive higher than most *everyone* I know make me a nympho? Does the fact that I feel this pressing urge to be certain that nearly everyone I interact with is sexually attracted to me make me a control freak, or some kind of weirdo? Does the fact that I sometimes look at sexual experiences (especially with people who I've not partnered before, and with whom I'm unlikely to partner again) as some type of conquest, make me a manipulative bitch? Does it make me shallow, and self-centered? Does it mean I'm concerned with the wrong things? And why the hell am I so retardedly possessive of people I've slept with, even when 1) i don't intend to sleep with them again and 2) i have ABSOLUTELY NO FREAKIN CLAIM to them?!?!?!
Does it mean I'm an utter hypocrite, lying to myself in everything I've ever told myself, all of my "healthy", "liberated", "liberal" views of sex?
I'm not sure, I don't know, and that scares the HELL out of me.
I spend a lot of time wondering why can't I just be friends with someone, w/o needing for there to be a sexual component. Why is it that I sometimes don't think a person is worth my time or effort if a) they don't express sexual interest in me or b) I don't feel sexual interest in them.