A long overdue thank you...
To all the people who responded to my last entry with love, with humor, with kind words (and puking threats), with sarcasm and truth. In the deepness of the void, I will try to remember your faces, because it's for you all I live. And I love you. I know who loves me, even when I forget, I know. I love you all too. I'm terrified of who and what I've become, angry and horribly sad about what I've seen and heard, about what's been done to me. Sometimes I want to kill people, myself, and others. Sometimes I cry so hard and so long I gasp for air and shake and can't move. Sometmies all I want, more than anything else, is to be able to turn my brain off.
I have a bunch of choices to make. Some sooner than others. Some bigger, some smaller, some easier, and some harder. All important.
I am slowly realizing how much my life has changed in the last 6 months, and even more slowly, I am facing up to the huge amount of changes this stuff has wrought. My life will never ever be the same as it was. Now all I have to do is try to realize that different doenst necessarily mean worse, just different.
My love goes out to many people tonight, people who, when I am teetering on the edge, the razor thin ege, with demons with black hearts on one side, chanting at me, screaming and grabbing and pinching and poking, I look to the other side, and I see faces that love me, each in their own way, and each as precious as the previous.
To Laura D.
To Laura M.
To Erik
To Eric
To Megan
To David A.
To Jason
To Gwen
To LJ
To yonahleslieericaw.brettericas.abbydanaaronsarahd.devonjubessamsheffo
and everyone true in my life.
Loving you is not the problem. It has never been the problem.
It's loving my self that is.
I have a bunch of choices to make. Some sooner than others. Some bigger, some smaller, some easier, and some harder. All important.
I am slowly realizing how much my life has changed in the last 6 months, and even more slowly, I am facing up to the huge amount of changes this stuff has wrought. My life will never ever be the same as it was. Now all I have to do is try to realize that different doenst necessarily mean worse, just different.
My love goes out to many people tonight, people who, when I am teetering on the edge, the razor thin ege, with demons with black hearts on one side, chanting at me, screaming and grabbing and pinching and poking, I look to the other side, and I see faces that love me, each in their own way, and each as precious as the previous.
To Laura D.
To Laura M.
To Erik
To Eric
To Megan
To David A.
To Jason
To Gwen
To LJ
To yonahleslieericaw.brettericas.abbydanaaronsarahd.devonjubessamsheffo
and everyone true in my life.
Loving you is not the problem. It has never been the problem.
It's loving my self that is.