an apology, first, to all the people this might scare

[sryope26]

when i told you i was lost
and i didn't know where or how to find myself
i wasn't lying
when i told you i have been sitting here, these past few weeks, going crazy
very
very
slowly
i wasn't lying

montages of unconnected, painful images food through my head non-stop
pushing out all my rational thoughts
they are headed by sharply glinting thoughts
of metal
shining
as it peirces flesh
and my brain does a closeup
of a silver blade sinking easily through soft skin
red blood
warm and pulsing
flows from veins that one pulsed with passion and creativity
out onto the floor
and i am saved
from this life i have ceased to want

i am completly and utterly unable to move
i dont know who to turn to, or who to call
or even what i would say if i got through to anyone
and i can't beelive how close i came last night
and i can't beleive how weak i was
and i don't know how to even take the next breath
move the next gamepiece
don't know where to go

what is my life?
when i cant even form a thought enough to help myself
what do i do
when all the plans i had have been waylaid
and i've been knocked on my ass so hard
that i can't even lay out a palm on the floor
to push myself up again

i have become so weak
i tremble
i shake
i burn with a fever of sadness that seems to consume me
yet won't bring me oblivion
no matter how hard i pray

i want to try
but i have forgotten how
i need to be reminded