forgot...

[srtreize]

I forgot. I read one of Michelle's recent entreis. She still feels like killing herself. Somehow I had hoped that maybe she would find the world a more bearable place, that maybe I would be a reason to want to live... but maybe Love is not strong enough for that, or maybe I just overvalue myself. Etiehr way, it was hard to read, and a world without her is hard to think of... Someday she's going to do it, somehow I don't doubt that, and she's going to leave me behind, not alone, but might as well be, cause I don't talk to many people much. And the only reason for the grueling changes I'm trying to make will be gone and I'll stay set in whatever ways I'm in when she goes, without love. The worst part is, if she killed herself I would never be able to forgive that. Maybe she's right in saying she's not the reason I live, but she contributes a great deal to the reason I don't cut myself more deeply, more often, and for more trivial reasons. She improves my life, and without her, I know my knives would be my best friends... My knives, my playstation, my computer, and my book.... That would be about it... Will she really do that though? And leave me behind so easily? She thinks I would move on and so she does not worry abotu doing it, but I think she's wrong. I dwell on things I've lost too long for my own good, and somehow I think the black world that would be born in her absence would consume my dreams and thoughts for much longer than she allows herself to believe because she undervalues herself.

I pray she doesn't do it ever, even if she lives for her habits and her technology and not for me. I don't want to be alone among my friends.