10 Personality Types to watch out for should you ever find yourself in a Disaster/Suspense Movie
Originally published at shanefitzsimmons.com. You can comment here or there.
The Hero: When the disaster occurs, this is one of the only guys running towards it. His goal is either to save the people by helping them escape, or by repelling the disaster itself, and figuring out some way to stop it. Once he arrives within the main group he’s almost always the leader, and therefore you should never try to steal his thunder and try to make decisions for the group that he doesn’t approve of. The mortality rate of people who try to override him as leader is 99%. Ignoring his advice leads to a 90% mortality rate, but it will have a 100% chance of making things worse, whether it kills you or not. There’s a good chance that at some point in time the Hero will do something for the benefit of the entire group by sacrificing himself, though even then death is not a high probability. Usually the scared people will finally make a heroic move themselves and try to rescue the Hero at great personal risk to themselves. Even if incapable of mounting a rescue in these circumstances, and the people are forced to abandon him, the Hero still has a good chance of finding an alternate means of escape, even if by accident. The Hero is not invincible, however, and does suffer from an 8% mortality rate. He is however, remembered forever should this occur, and people will name their kids after him and stuff, so he does achieve some level of immortality, even in the remote chance of his death.
The Jaded Introvert: The Jaded Introvert has the tendency to multi-class as the Hero occasionally. When no Hero is coming to their rescue, it’s usually the Jaded Introvert who steps up. The Jaded Introvert is identifiable as the guy (or girl) who’s down on his (or her) luck, life’s got him down, and he might even be a bit pissy about it, but he only lets this affect his own life, and never takes it out on anyone - except, possibly, an ex-spouse. When this person is a female and the Hero is a male, the Jaded Introvert tends to make a good love interest to the Hero. The same can occasionally happen when the sexes are reversed, though this is somewhat rare. Should you find yourself to be the Jaded Introvert, you’re in a very good place. In fact, this is arguably the best personality-type to have, as you can get all the benefits of the Hero, in that you can make decisions and be heroic and selfless, and even if you fuck things up worse you’ll find a way out of it. Here’s the best part about the Jaded Introvert: They Never Die. That’s right, if life has recently suckerpunched you in the tits or kicked you in the family jewels, but you’ve not taken it out on anyone but yourself, you are nigh-invincible in a natural-disaster. You might still get cut and bruised, maybe even a broken bone. But you have a 100% survivability rate, which is excellent, for you at least. However, as a word of warning, just because you are invincible doesn’t make other people invincible to your stupid decision-making. So think things through before you decide to order people down that dark corridor. Maybe you oughta go the other way, right?
The Jaded Extrovert: The Jaded Extrovert is similar to the Jaded Introvert only in that their life has recently taken a lot of kicks to the gut. However, the similarities stop there, as the Extrovert tends to take his life problems out on his friends and family, and even perfect strangers. He tends to complain a lot in the most annoying ways, and he constantly questions the decisions made by the Hero or the Jaded Introvert when they make leadership choices. The mortality-rate of the Jaded Extrovert is practically the polar opposite of the Jaded Introvert, at well over 95%. In fact, the only cases of Jaded Extroverts surviving natural disasters are when they eventually realize their stupidity is going to get everybody killed, and they wind up shutting up and going along with things. They also tend to make sacrifices to show that they’ve changed, though these sacrifices tend to get them killed. Unfortunately, when the Jaded Extrovert makes a heroic sacrifice and lays down his life, people cry for a few minutes at most, and while it might arguably be the most heartfelt few moments of the entire ordeal, once it passes the Jaded Extrovert is forgotten forever.
The Kid: The Kid isn’t really a personality type. Children can really have any personality they want to, and as long as they survive the initial explosion or avalanche or cave-in or tornado or whatever, they have a 100% survivability rate. In fact, no matter how much trouble they get everybody into, or how annoying they are, there just doesn’t seem to be anything that can occur to cause these fuckers to die. It’s so unfair.
The Unreformed Criminal: The Unreformed Criminal is that guy who somehow always finds himself in a natural disaster. He’s extremely mean, loves murder and rape, and expects that by intimidating everybody he’ll get them to follow him as a leader. Unfortunately, the Unreformed Criminal has a near 100% mortality rate. There are extremely rare circumstances in which the Unreformed Criminal survives, but this usually happens as a result of getting his ass injured or knocked out or chained to a wall or something, and then rather than being a threat to the group he just becomes the nay-sayer in the background, if he talks at all. Even then, he still tends to die most of the time, but occasionally he’ll make it out. There are even, in about 5% of cases, the chance that the Unreformed Criminal will reform, which doesn’t necessarily mean he’ll make it, though it does improve his chances by at least 20%.
The Non-Threatening Criminal: I don’t know what it is about people with criminal records and natural disasters, but there always seems to be at least a few in every one. The Non-Threatening Criminal comes in many forms. He might just be a guy on a misdemeanor charge. Or his crime might be something like embezzlement or hacking an ATM or something. In any case, his crime is almost always non-violent and he tends to be the funny guy in the group. Always whining about something in such a way that is kind of funny, even if he doesn’t mean it to be. If the Non-Threatening Criminal is also funny, he has a higher chance of surviving, though this still tends to only be about 80%. If he’s not funny, his chance drops somewhere around 65%. The Non-Threatening Criminal somehow manages to get pussy over the course of the disaster, though this doesn’t seem to have much effect on his survivability. Still, better to get some then not, right? In some circumstances, the Non-Threatening Criminal can also be the Jaded Introvert or Extrovert, and in very, very rare cases, can even become the Hero. Should he become the Hero, his survivability rate jumps to 100%. This does, however, bank on their not being a hero present already, nor a Jaded Introvert. So should you find yourself with a non-violent criminal charge in the middle of a disaster and there doesn’t seem to be anyone from the outside world rushing in to your rescue, nor does there seem to be a Jaded Introvert around, Step Up Immediately. If you do you’ll almost certainly survive, but you must do it before anyone else tries to take charge.
The Cocky Guy: This douchebag has a 0% survivability rate, but thankfully doesn’t always show up in natural disasters. The trouble with the Cocky Guy is that he thinks he’s the hero. But he’s caught in the middle of the disaster, so he didn’t have to rush in at great personal risk to get other people out. He’s just trying to get out himself, while stroking his own ego that he’s the big hero of this picture. The trouble is, he’s not, but it’s difficult to see. The Cocky Guy isn’t necessarily always a douchebag, sometimes he’s actually very charismatic and likable, maybe a movie star or somebody famous who people naturally look toward for guidance (because in a natural disaster, who’s advice could be more valuable than an actor’s?). But he lacks actual selflessness, he just pretends. He can be recognized by the way he frequently talks about how the world is gonna want to know how you all got out of this mess. Sometimes the Cocky Guy will seem to be the Jaded Introvert, but an actor who just got turned down for a movie or somebody who just invested some money into the stocks only to get flushed out or a guy who bets his life-savings on a horse race and loses doesn’t have real problems applicable to the Jaded Introvert. If the Cocky Guy has problems, he’s invariably the one who created them, or they’re so small in relation to everyone else’s problems that hearing him talk about them just makes you angry. At any rate, don’t follow the Cocky Guy. Even if he has some good ideas they’re doomed to fail. If he thinks he has a good idea, he’ll go through with it whether you follow him or not, which shows just how selfless he’s not. If he goes off to do something by himself, that nobody else will follow him to do, this is a sure sign that he’s about to die.
The Reporter: The Reporter can have elements of a lot of other people, most notably the Cocky Guy, except they tend to pawn off all their problems and ego onto the “story.” The Reporter is the only person other than the Hero who will ever rush toward the natural disaster, but they’re not doing it for selfless reasons at all. They’re doing it to boost their own career. The Reporter has a lot of obstacles to overcome if they really want to survive this disaster, but they have been known to do it. They do have a mortality rate of around 85%, but occasionally they do make it out, though it’s a coin-flip as to whether or not they make it out of there with the story or not. It’s anybodies guess what one Reporter does that gets him killed while another Reporter survives, as it seems to be almost pure luck. Being female seems to increase your chances of survivability, but only by a minuscule 2%. Should the Reporter die, they can at least go knowing that some other sentimental sappy fuck in the group will probably take over the story, so you’ll most likely have your story be your legacy, which will live on at least 70% of the time, in the event of your death.
The Estranged Spouse: If you ever find yourself in the middle of a disaster while your significant other is outside where it’s safe, there is a direct correlation between how close they are in contact with you and your chances of survival. Mainly, the closer they are, the worse your chances are. If your spouse is off safe somewhere, your best chances of survival are them to be asleep in bed, with absolutely no idea what’s going on, or that you’re even missing. Even then, your chances of survival aren’t ideal, though it’s not terrible, at 90%. If they’re aware of what’s going on but are in their apartment or house watching the situation on TV, with no way to contact you, your chances drop steadily to about 75%. If they’re on the scene, right outside wherever the natural disaster is occurring, then it’s a coin flip, 50/50, not good. If in addition to being on the scene, they also have access to you through cell phones or radios, or even TV communication, then you’re utterly fucked, as your chances descend to an abysmal 17%, max. There is a slight boost in your odds if in addition to being close, they also have some control over your fate, such as if they’re in a position of power where they can make decisions and what not, but even then the chances of your specific survival are only increased to about 40% or so. All in all, it’s better to be single during a natural disaster, especially if you’re the Hero or Jaded Introvert as it’s doubtful you’ll be single once you get to safety.
The Cop: The Cop is kind of a misleading title, as the Cop doesn’t necessarily need to be a cop. They can also be in the Army, or some other position of respectable authority. Not a politician or a manager, as everybody knows these aren’t respectable positions to hold. At any rate, this person is in a bad spot if they’re not also the Hero. If another Hero exists, or even a Jaded Introvert, the Cop is in for a hard time. Their mere presence undermines the authority of the real Hero, and as such, that authority needs to be dealt with, typically with blood. It’s unfortunate, as the Cop’s actual personality doesn’t matter. Some are hardasses, some are really great, respectable people, who’s passing is all the more tragic. When the Cop dies, it makes things even more grim, makes everything seem more hopeless, and especially if a Hero hasn’t stepped up yet (such as when that position is being reserved for the Jaded Introvert), the Cop dying forces someone to rise to the occasion, or everyone will perish. Making the Cop the Hero is a tough sell, especially if they start out in the middle of the disaster, as opposed to having to rush into the disaster to save the day, but if the disaster is caused by some heinous villains that need to get shot up, then the Cop might be capable of rising to the occasion. This scenario is completely different if the cop is out-of-uniform, such as on his day off or if he’s a detective. Under these circumstances, the Cop is capable of becoming the Hero at least 88% of the time.