Love, Growing, Rewrites, and Shameless Gushing
Originally published at shanefitzsimmons.com. You can comment here or there.
I can’t believe I’ve been at work for 5 hours already. I mean, I’m glad, but all I’ve been doing today is playing flash games online and rewriting the script to Super. I also managed to delete or organize about 450 emails from my inbox today, which only leaves me with about 2250 to go. I can’t believe how many emails I’ve got sitting in my inbox, but it’s been about 3-4 years since I started that email account.
Checking my spam account (you know, the email account you create so that when you sign up to new websites you give them the email address that you never use), I have 11,822 unopened emails. About 99% of them are porn. Should Amber and I ever break up, I imagine I’ll be covered for about three to four days.
Going through my old emails (I started from the beginning, from about 2004 or so right around the time I left Chicago to go on “the trip”), it’s pretty amazing to see how far I’ve come as a person over the last few years. If my email account is a timeline, my story would be pretty up and down to some fairly significant extremes. I started off being probably the nicest I’ve ever been in my entire life (and I was extremely nice back in high school, to the unattractive level of not being able to get chicks because I was the “nice guy” that always finished last), to basically being full of piss for about two years, more than happy to urinate on anyone who’d pass on by with little more than a dirty look or an unsubstantiated opinion.
The irony is, I don’t think my opinions have changed much over the past year, I think that, at my core, I’m pretty much the same person as far as viewpoints go. I think that I’m generally just less of an asshole than I used to be (though, maybe I’m giving myself too much credit there). I will say though, that I’m significantly less amusing to myself and Amber, at least when it comes to internet posting and stuff (I’m still generally a riot in person, at least amongst the two of us). But I haven’t had any enormous internet showdowns in a pretty damn long time, so hey, I think I’ve grown. I think the key though, is finding a way to write like that to grip people and evoke emotion and more natural responses out of people, without letting that sort of attitude affect me outside of the writing. I mean, there’s something to be said for a writing ability that affects people on a more primal level, but it’s sort of difficult to not take that attitude with you to other things. And I think my life was generally filled with a bit too much stress back then, most of which (emphasis on most) was probably avoidable.
I think that the reason for all of this is that, ultimately, hate and conflict, while maybe interesting and can be a major driving force, and to a certain extent in specific situations, can even be enjoyable, they ultimately aren’t fulfilling in of themselves, nor are they self-sustainable in the long-term. Love on the other hand, and compassion, and understanding, while generally not as interesting or attention-drawing, I think is generally more constructive and fulfilling. This might seem obvious, but there are so many dickheads in the world who are utterly fueled by hate and cynicism that I think it deserves saying. Hate might get you to where you’re going, but love is what’ll keep you there.
Anyway, I know I’ve been accused of being a cynic a lot in the past, but I’m really not. I think that generally people automatically associate “I don’t think that will work” with cynicism, but I think that if you try to fit the square block into the circle hole, it’s not cynicism to tell you it’s futile. Nor do I think it’s optimism to think it might work. It’s a fine line that I think ultimately might come down to who’s right and who’s wrong, which maybe can’t even be determined at the time, but I think that some people have negative attitudes that generally lead them to being predisposed to say “No,” whether it’s because they simply get off on running someone else down, or out of jealousy or pride or simply because they think their way is the only way. I know several people like this, and I know several people who fit into the opposite category, who believe that just because they’re saying “Yes” that they must be optimistic, even when what they believe is completely preposterous, and they simply aren’t aware of it. Trying to sum it up with cynicism vs. optimism isn’t accurate, I don’t think, but people are quick to point the cynic finger at people they’re trying to discredit as a result of the negative connotation it has (and rightfully so), while they’re just as quick to point the optimist finger at themselves (due to the positive connotation it has) to make themselves feel better. Really I think it’s just a lack of information on both sides, and real optimism is when things look down but you actually have a shot (even if it’s a slim chance in hell), and you play the odds anyway. Cynicism, at least to me, is giving up or telling others they should give up simply because the odds aren’t in their favor (or aren’t absolute, or what have you).
Moving on (man, do I have A.D.D. or what?)….
I don’t have the writing program I was using to write Super here at work, so I’m just using MSWord to do it. MSWord sucks to write a screenplay, let me tell you. As far as I can tell, there’s no easy formatting options like there is in FinalDraft, so every sentence I have to change indentations and I constantly have to remind Word to not capitalize a word just because I hit the Enter key and started a new line. It’s not a lot of work, but it does interrupt the creative process to have to change everything every line. But I just have a lot more time to work on the script here at work than I do at home.
At any rate, since the programs aren’t compatible, and I can’t even open up the file here, and I didn’t think to save the text and just copy it over, I’ve basically decided to rewrite it. So far it’s not going so well. I think that when I started writing this I had a burst of inspiration hit me on how to start it, and now I’m just sort of trying to copy what I did originally and hoping the magick will return in the same way. It’s not. This is a frequent problem with me, which is probably why I hate rewrites unless I’m completely changing the story so that it doesn’t feel like I’m writing the same stuff. Rewriting really just feels like trying to write exactly the same thing you did before, except better. The problem is, writing what you’ve already written is basically like telling the same joke again and again, even if the delivery is more refined it’s just fucking boring in comparison. It’s worse with writing, because a joke is usually over in a couple of sentences whereas, depending on what you’re writing, this can go on forever.
I will say though, writing a screenplay is much, much easier than writing a novel. Especially when the screenplay you’re going to shoot is going to be with no budget. With Super, I don’t need to worry about environments or really even describing actions in interesting ways. It’s practically all dialogue, and I love writing dialogue. I think I’m pretty good at it. I think I’m better at writing action, but dialogue flows easier. Even better, since I’m writing the script around characters who are going to be played by friends of mine, none of whom are actors, I can easily imagine how each of them would deliver the lines and simply write the dialogue around their personalities. It’s easy, and it’s enjoyable. Now if only I could get past the first five pages I have to rewrite, this would be so much more fun….
Moving on again… I really love my girlfriend. She and I just had a conversation today about how, despite the fact that we have a very open relationship with each other, and when we’re together out in public we don’t really shy away from being openly loving towards each other, we don’t really talk about our relationship in public much. I think that, for the most part, that makes a lot of sense. I think that pretty much everybody (or everybody important anyway) knows the score between us, all of our friends see us together with reasonable frequency, and we joke with each other in such a way constantly that I think pretty much all of our friends know how strongly we feel about each other without us having to talk about how in love we are or how happy we are and whatever. Plus, we tell each other how happy we are basically constantly, not to an unhealthy degree or anything, and we definitely let each other have it when we’re not happy, so the open and honest thing has never really been much of a problem.
Even so, I think there’s something to be said for the occasional unrestrained gushing, which while perhaps not necessary in a relationship like ours, I think neglecting to do so is kind of a shame.
Several years ago, back when I worked Airport Security (shortly after 9/11, but before the government took it over), Valentines Day or an anniversary of my boss came and he sort of made a big deal about how he wasn’t going to get anything for his wife. He said it wasn’t because he didn’t love her, but he just never got her anything or did anything to celebrate it, and if he changed it up this year with a present or some flowers or a planned night on the town, his wife’d think something was wrong.
It’s sad, but I’ve heard this same story in different variations a lot over the years, and, if you ask me, that’s all pretty gay.
And maybe it’s not necessary, especially in a relationship like ours, where nearly everything important works perfectly, no matter how different we are in some ways, but I really don’t feel like leaving even the smallest thing neglected. Maybe the occasional internet gushing isn’t anything she’s missed or needed, but I do know it’d make her day to read, and that’s good enough.
I love my girlfriend. Amber is perfect, regardless of how much of a gaymo she can be at times. She’s willing to play videogames with me, she gives a shit about my ambitions, and pushes me to work on them even when I feel like lying around like a gelatinous blob. How many girlfriends let their boyfriends head-butt them just for the hell of it? Huh!? She brings out my unrestrained side daily. Most people know me simply as the reserved quiet guy, and that’s really how it’s been my whole life, except on rare occasions or when I’m alone. But she brings it out of me constantly, and I’m able to be silly and a complete retard with her freely, and not only does she not judge me, but she encourages me, and she even joins in and shows me sides of her I know nobody else has seen in frequency (though she isn’t nearly as restrained as I am as a person, I don’t think).
I don’t think I’ve ever been as happy as I have been recently, even with as many stupid things weighing me down as there are, and I think I owe a lot of that to her.
Valentines Day is coming up soon, which is also our third year anniversary. I’ve got a lot planned for it, and I can’t wait to celebrate it.
I love you, Amber. You’re the most important person in my life, and the bestess friend I’ve ever had.