(no subject)
How could I not know what I was getting myself into? Am i so over confident that I thought this would be a piece of cake? Do i think i'm so independant that this wouldn't be hard on me? Do I want to pretend that i'm okay with him gone?
But I don't want to be. I don't want to be strong when he is gone. I don't want to get used to him not being here. I'm starting a life with him to BE with him, not to sit here waiting for him to get home, hanging on desperately to any little phone call or email declaration. I want to FEEL you. I want you HERE. I want to do all these things WITH you. And what about when we have children? What then...
I'm breaking apart. This place is so empty without you. Our bed is haunted by the ghost of your heartbeat. My future is tainted with inevitable pain and loneliness... I just want life. I want joy, and even a little heartache, as thats a part of life, but i want you HERE for it. I don't want to get used to life with you gone. I want to get used to life WITH you. I want to get into boring routine. To go grocery shopping on sunday mornings, spend monday nights with HIMYM. I've never wanted routine, i've never wanted ordinary, and now I feel i'm praying for those things as if they were air. I need them to survive this dark night.
The night is here, and the day is gone.. i thought of you, and where you'd gone, and the world spins madly on.
How can i survive this?
But I don't want to be. I don't want to be strong when he is gone. I don't want to get used to him not being here. I'm starting a life with him to BE with him, not to sit here waiting for him to get home, hanging on desperately to any little phone call or email declaration. I want to FEEL you. I want you HERE. I want to do all these things WITH you. And what about when we have children? What then...
I'm breaking apart. This place is so empty without you. Our bed is haunted by the ghost of your heartbeat. My future is tainted with inevitable pain and loneliness... I just want life. I want joy, and even a little heartache, as thats a part of life, but i want you HERE for it. I don't want to get used to life with you gone. I want to get used to life WITH you. I want to get into boring routine. To go grocery shopping on sunday mornings, spend monday nights with HIMYM. I've never wanted routine, i've never wanted ordinary, and now I feel i'm praying for those things as if they were air. I need them to survive this dark night.
The night is here, and the day is gone.. i thought of you, and where you'd gone, and the world spins madly on.
How can i survive this?