TWO GROSS THINGS THAT HAPPENED TO ME YESTERDAY
#1: I've been suffering from the most annoying cold EVER for the last week or so. I'm not getting any better because I keep going out. Whatever. It is boring to sit in your bed all day, right? Anyways, I was walking to the shower yesterday morning and my lungs totally decided to assault the rest of my body. I start coughing furiously and hacked up this enormous piece of phlegm. Looking back, I'm not even sure if it was phlegm because this thing had FORM. It was an object, for sure. I was only halfway to the bathroom at this point. My apartment is oddly laid out in that there is a long stretch of hallway between my room and the bathroom. I didn't want to spit this chunk out onto the ground because my roommates would just hate me forever. I also didn't want to spit it into my towel because I had just washed it. So I womanned up and carried the chunk in my mouth until I could lovingly spit it into the toilet like a mother bird feeding her babies. I named it "Scrappy."
#2: I was sitting outside of an overpriced soup place and was about to enjoy an overpriced cup of butternut squash soup. This homeless lady started digging through the garbage can next to me and pulled out a coffee cup and drank its contents. She walked over to a tree near my table and began vomiting the exact color of my butternut squash soup. People vomiting seriously just freaks me out. I had a little anxiety attack where I stood up and sat down a bunch, but then hunger overcame me and I decided, "Fuck, I just paid $8 for this financial district soup. I might as well fucking eat it." And I did. And it was good.
#2: I was sitting outside of an overpriced soup place and was about to enjoy an overpriced cup of butternut squash soup. This homeless lady started digging through the garbage can next to me and pulled out a coffee cup and drank its contents. She walked over to a tree near my table and began vomiting the exact color of my butternut squash soup. People vomiting seriously just freaks me out. I had a little anxiety attack where I stood up and sat down a bunch, but then hunger overcame me and I decided, "Fuck, I just paid $8 for this financial district soup. I might as well fucking eat it." And I did. And it was good.