start of a rant.
its like we fell down the stairs
we fell and tumbled
but there aren't any stairs
this is all in my mind
see, these bumps bruises and bangs
aren't from any fall “we” had
there are no “stairs”
but when your eyes ain’t right
and you only really got one - that only sees through a tiny ass pinhole, um
you bang, bruise and bump
and you do these things all-day-long
until you STOP and start processing
and then you WILDE OUT
cause you realize you really truly are disabled
and you need a seeing eye cane
and they wanna talk about dogs
funny thing is last time i heard the word seeing eye dogs, i heard the word braille
and then i went back deep into it
into it, as in myself
into it, as in red anger
so much anger that it turned into silence, no words, none.
random outbursts
leave my fucking hospital room NOW
AND TAKE YOUR FUCKING DOG, WHITECANE BULLSHIT WITH YOU.
i remember sick kids some with masks, tubes, iv’s, pale faces, colorful hospital gowns and freaked out looking parents.
i hardly spoke. i hardly saw anything either
i just realized while it was 1 am and im on the toilet, cause i fucking love the bathroom. i mean love it. why, i dont know but i do and always have
i remember 4th grade, lime green shorts and red red blood, laying on the floor of the bathroom in pain but bliss, i love the bathroom. i would camp out in there when i was sick. it comforts me, i like it. but mostly i miss yardley. and the days of 3 family, but cancer took my dad so yea.
so back to 1 am, sitting thinking and FLASH, it felt like i was at children’s again only this time not inside out and i saw a blank image of my roomate and her mom, she had COPD, she is now dead and i never even saw her, ever. we were in the same room and i could NOT SEE HER. i had a doll waved in my face, I COULD NOT SEE IT, MY MOM FAINTED and i told the doctor i can feel the wind from it. i mean really? i think im fucked up now forever, really? how does one get through that? how does one do this? how do i do this? HOW. AND WHY THE FUCK DID THIS HAPPEN TO ME? ALSO WHY THE FUCK IS MY DAD DEAD AND WHY THE FUCK DOES MY MOM HAVE PAIN. AND THEN IM SUPPOSE TO SIT HERE AND BE OK? right.