first time ever - eyes
I finally for the first time EVER.
Imagined myself with a seeing eye cane and then felt RELIEF, not embarrassment not shame and it has been 18 years!
Relief from:
- Feeling like I could die at any moment with the limitations of my vision
- Feeling anger from folks when I cut them off or bump into them as I don’t see them in my limited field of vision
-Feeling embarrassed because I missed the curb, I tripped up and I tripped down
-Not recognizing faces I know from a far, I feel like that would be better because the person would see my cane and not think im an awful B, that’s ignoring them (so release of paranoia around friendships old and new or just friendly.)
- not having to “hide” how hard walking and existing is, hence not feeling invisible
- not feeling like an idiot because no I cant ride my bike, I literally can not ride a bike it is not safe
- the idea of the general public and even friends “knowing” about my “hidden disability” makes me feel FREE, makes me feel heard and understood and FREE holy shit, FREE
- the idea that someone might help me up or move out of my way, literally THRILLS me
I could go on.
The hidden factor of my visual disability is on its way out, this by far is the biggest life changing cleanse of my adult life, EVER, and clearly the trauma WAS the biggest event, (of my teenage life) but its changing, from trauma to living my life with the reality of my loss and accepting it and that’s honoring it and that is right up my alley as healer - and then finally being able to be real about it.
My therapist has been reading to me from this book "Self-Esteem and Adjusting With Blindness: The Process of Responding to Life's Demands “ about dealing and coping with loss and just hearing this has also released so much, knowing its not ME and that its very normal how I feel is life altering, learning what my eye condition is called, as I was birthed with perfect vision, learning that an 8 year old boy became excited because he lost his vision and would be treated special, learning that shock of visual loss can last for weeks, months years, or FOREVER, learning that the way I feel about “this second best life” is normal, because the life I wanted will never ever be and I’m still mourning that it doesn’t exist - I don’t have normal vision, im not care free when I walk around, yes I just walked into the door, no I cant see directly in front of me, damn, stream of thoughts gone wild - I cant drive, I didn’t drive cross country after highschool, I didn’t and I never will and that process of letting go what “should” be, will be a long time, but I’m facing its ugly truth and im ready to keep healing.
I’m also possibly ready for PARAtransit, its all maybe, but I’ll take maybe after 18 years of NO, I wont do that, YES, im fine, NO, I don’t need help, YES, I can ride my bike, I’m just fine, I have normal vision, no more of that. bye bye denial, hello reality.
I know im not done, and bang its over (I wish) ive got a ways to go, ive got meetings and ive got skill training, and ive got got so much more to go, but goddamn ive NEVER been this real with this vision I have, EVER.
YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! EMDR (therapy) I fucking love you with all of my heart souls and everything, holy shit!