Sorrow
I've been in a funk lately. A little over a week ago, I had another "window watcher" experience, like the one some of my readers may remember from a few years ago. This one was slightly different in that the guy on the street didn't just look up and see me and stop and check me out. He had apparently seen me once in my window when he walked by. Then the following night, he walked by again and saw me and decided to circle the block a few times to check me out, and then finally decided to just squat down and smoke a cigarette and watch me.
I notice him and our eyes meet and he approaches and so I invite him up. This fellow was GORGEOUS!! Very lean body. I'd say skinny but there was some hard muscle there. He had short black, curly hair...so perfect. I love curly hair and I love brunettes. Neither fem nor particularly masculine, but that sort of middle ground "metrosexual" look (both in dress and mannerism). He had a beautiful dick!
The sex only lasted for maybe 20 minutes because he said he was late for a dinner but it was super hot. One odd, awkward thing about it was that he fucked me without a condom and I thought "Um...okay, this is where I'm supposed to tell my status...but then he's topping and he's not telling his status either...oh dear."
Since he had to get going, he did mention getting together again, when next he passes my window. And when I asked him if he was going to tell his dinner pal why he was late...like "Oh you know, I saw this naked guy in the window of an apartment building and so went up and fucked his ass," he said he'd tell if they asked, added that he believed in honesty and that people shouldn't ask questions they didn't want to know the answers to. So I thought about all this and told him I was HIV+ and he shrugged and said he was too, and that he figured I must have been if I'd just let him fuck me bare without asking anything...either that or I didn't care. So that was one hurdle out of the way. Yes, I realize this could have turned out much worse so I'm counting my blessings.
I gave him my phone number. I didn't ask for his. I kind of hoped he'd offer but he didn't.
He walked by my window again a couple days later, looked up and waved to me, but kept walking. I'm not sure what to think about that.
I don't regret this incident, but the whole thing did really throw me off center because...aside from the sex being hot, I just had a vibe from him that I liked. It feels sort of humiliating to admit but I'd like to see him again and get to know him more. But he hasn't come around, or at least if he has, then it wasn't when I was around. Basically, this whole thing has agitated feelings of loneliness, because I really do want a companion in my life, someone who will be a lover and a buddy. I am lonely. I don't like writing about it because I've read some other journals where it seems like every other entry is about how lonely they are and it gets to sounding really pathetic, like the person is just a black hole of emotion.
I talked to Roscoe about this and mentioned that it's hard not to feel ashamed or something about having developed an emotional attachment after only 20 minutes of sex. He gave me some good perspective. He pointed out that this is a common thing, happens to a lot of people. Two people lay down together and if there's intimacy, at least one will walk away with feelings, and if it's unrequited, then it becomes a cause of sorrow.
There was one thing about this guy that really stood out in my mind. I could see myself dating him. And more specifically, he had a vibe that made me feel like he'd get along with at least most of my friends and they'd like him. This is a criteria that I have for dating potentials and I don't meet many guys who meet that criteria...hence the reason I don't date much. After one or two dates, I get to thinking, "Hmm, how would things go if he and I went and hung out with Orry, or Roscoe, or Purple Mark, or Joel or Sharon or Amy or Mike." Too many times, I get an unpleasant feeling in my stomach, like there would be awkwardness. But this was one guy I felt good about and I even got a feeling he had good friends.
I don't know...a lot of feelings. I'm sad. I want someone. And I don't know how that is supposed to happen. Most of the happiest couples I've seen weren't on the hunt looking for someone, posting dozens of profile ads on dating websites. They were just going on with their lives and happened to meet a really cool person and it worked out. That's the other reason I just don't do much dating...it feels like swimming upstream.
One good thing about all this is that after talking to Roscoe and hearing his perspective, I realized I've been sabotaging myself by thinking of excuses to keep myself lonely...like adjusting to the possibility that I might be alone for the rest of my life, or thinking perhaps I don't deserve one YET because I'm not "emotionally developed" enough (and when will I be ready?) or that maybe it's "just not meant to be". For several years, I've subconsciously imagined that a good relationship is some kind of reward for having faced your demons and healed your wounds and developed your character, -even though, when I look at various different types of couples I've seen, that isn't necessarily the case. And that old saying, "No one will ever love you until you learn to love yourself"?...that's bullshit. I've seen many people who didn't love themselves very much who found love in another anyway. I've found virtually all of those little proverbs to be a bunch of crap.
Anyway, this has been haunting me for a few days and I've been feeling like it's some dirty secret, partially because of the way I met him, and partially because loneliness just plain sucks and it's humiliating to admit to feeling it. But the truth is, that's what happened. This hot guy walked by my building, spied me in my window, came up, fucked me good and now I want to see him again and know more about him. And that doesn't seem to be happening, but time will tell. It has brought me sorrow. I know it will pass eventually but I'm feeling it now and that gacks turd. I do want someone, even though it may not turn out to be him.
I notice him and our eyes meet and he approaches and so I invite him up. This fellow was GORGEOUS!! Very lean body. I'd say skinny but there was some hard muscle there. He had short black, curly hair...so perfect. I love curly hair and I love brunettes. Neither fem nor particularly masculine, but that sort of middle ground "metrosexual" look (both in dress and mannerism). He had a beautiful dick!
The sex only lasted for maybe 20 minutes because he said he was late for a dinner but it was super hot. One odd, awkward thing about it was that he fucked me without a condom and I thought "Um...okay, this is where I'm supposed to tell my status...but then he's topping and he's not telling his status either...oh dear."
Since he had to get going, he did mention getting together again, when next he passes my window. And when I asked him if he was going to tell his dinner pal why he was late...like "Oh you know, I saw this naked guy in the window of an apartment building and so went up and fucked his ass," he said he'd tell if they asked, added that he believed in honesty and that people shouldn't ask questions they didn't want to know the answers to. So I thought about all this and told him I was HIV+ and he shrugged and said he was too, and that he figured I must have been if I'd just let him fuck me bare without asking anything...either that or I didn't care. So that was one hurdle out of the way. Yes, I realize this could have turned out much worse so I'm counting my blessings.
I gave him my phone number. I didn't ask for his. I kind of hoped he'd offer but he didn't.
He walked by my window again a couple days later, looked up and waved to me, but kept walking. I'm not sure what to think about that.
I don't regret this incident, but the whole thing did really throw me off center because...aside from the sex being hot, I just had a vibe from him that I liked. It feels sort of humiliating to admit but I'd like to see him again and get to know him more. But he hasn't come around, or at least if he has, then it wasn't when I was around. Basically, this whole thing has agitated feelings of loneliness, because I really do want a companion in my life, someone who will be a lover and a buddy. I am lonely. I don't like writing about it because I've read some other journals where it seems like every other entry is about how lonely they are and it gets to sounding really pathetic, like the person is just a black hole of emotion.
I talked to Roscoe about this and mentioned that it's hard not to feel ashamed or something about having developed an emotional attachment after only 20 minutes of sex. He gave me some good perspective. He pointed out that this is a common thing, happens to a lot of people. Two people lay down together and if there's intimacy, at least one will walk away with feelings, and if it's unrequited, then it becomes a cause of sorrow.
There was one thing about this guy that really stood out in my mind. I could see myself dating him. And more specifically, he had a vibe that made me feel like he'd get along with at least most of my friends and they'd like him. This is a criteria that I have for dating potentials and I don't meet many guys who meet that criteria...hence the reason I don't date much. After one or two dates, I get to thinking, "Hmm, how would things go if he and I went and hung out with Orry, or Roscoe, or Purple Mark, or Joel or Sharon or Amy or Mike." Too many times, I get an unpleasant feeling in my stomach, like there would be awkwardness. But this was one guy I felt good about and I even got a feeling he had good friends.
I don't know...a lot of feelings. I'm sad. I want someone. And I don't know how that is supposed to happen. Most of the happiest couples I've seen weren't on the hunt looking for someone, posting dozens of profile ads on dating websites. They were just going on with their lives and happened to meet a really cool person and it worked out. That's the other reason I just don't do much dating...it feels like swimming upstream.
One good thing about all this is that after talking to Roscoe and hearing his perspective, I realized I've been sabotaging myself by thinking of excuses to keep myself lonely...like adjusting to the possibility that I might be alone for the rest of my life, or thinking perhaps I don't deserve one YET because I'm not "emotionally developed" enough (and when will I be ready?) or that maybe it's "just not meant to be". For several years, I've subconsciously imagined that a good relationship is some kind of reward for having faced your demons and healed your wounds and developed your character, -even though, when I look at various different types of couples I've seen, that isn't necessarily the case. And that old saying, "No one will ever love you until you learn to love yourself"?...that's bullshit. I've seen many people who didn't love themselves very much who found love in another anyway. I've found virtually all of those little proverbs to be a bunch of crap.
Anyway, this has been haunting me for a few days and I've been feeling like it's some dirty secret, partially because of the way I met him, and partially because loneliness just plain sucks and it's humiliating to admit to feeling it. But the truth is, that's what happened. This hot guy walked by my building, spied me in my window, came up, fucked me good and now I want to see him again and know more about him. And that doesn't seem to be happening, but time will tell. It has brought me sorrow. I know it will pass eventually but I'm feeling it now and that gacks turd. I do want someone, even though it may not turn out to be him.