Breaking Out of Selfish World
I realized at Steamworks tonight that I've been experiencing this bitchy backlash from the YouthCare orientation I went to last week.
See, it's like this: I've known Roscoe for almost 11 years now and during that time, he has occasionally pointed out that I can be a rather self centered individual and sometimes very gently tried to nudge me towards being not so much so. Also, my friend Orry is a member of the Sisters of Perpetual Indulgence and so does a lot of volunteer fundraising. I happen to know the Sisters do other, more intense work than just fundraising. For instance, many people do not know that the Sisters designed the very first safe sex pamphlet (now you know). Safe sex pamphlets are so common these days that nobody stops to think that at one time, they weren't around and then someone...the Sisters...came up with this rather novel idea! But even that doesn't really qualify as the more intense work that I'm thinking of. Some of their work in organizing the AIDS quilt to be shown and, most of all, the Sisters would seek out men who were dying of AIDS in hospitals and visit them. They often found that these patients, particularly the ones in worse condition, were not only abandoned by family, but even their friends had stopped coming around to visit, either because they weren't such good friends and didn't care, or watching their friend slowly waste away was too hard on them so they chickened out. In either case, these men were left to die alone in a hospital room. So in came the Sisters, full of flowers and gifts and jokes and they performed little skits and even flirted with the patients. I remember hearing about how they did this. Their policy was not to show any sadness or pity. They were to be cheerful and funny because they were doing this FOR the patient. The object was to bring some laughs and smiles to these lonely and miserable individuals. The Sister who told me about this said that even though they were to maintain this uplifting attitude all the way until they got out of the hospital, they often found they couldn't keep the smile after they left the room. It was hard work. It was a lot of serious energy being given. And it was heartbreaking to see what was happening to this person's humanity in that little hospital.
Orry hasn't done that kind of work but he wants to. He's currently excited to be training as a nurse so he can care for the elderly.
Roscoe isn't doing so much volunteering these days but he's done a lot in the past and he is still a giver. I see...something different in both of these men. It's so hard to describe that subtle difference, but it's there. And then I think of others who do this kind of stuff and I see this same difference in them too.
So I decided back in late July to take the plunge and I had been thinking of Orion Youth Center, mainly because it was close to where I live and I'd like the chance to work with kids. I will admit very plainly that, since I've been treated like a younger brother who needs to be taken under the wing by so many people in the past, and have gotten very sick and tired of it, for the last year or two, I have been feeling something in me...this desire to be looked up to, to be someone who inspires others and who can maybe offer some wisdom and understanding. I don't feel confident enough to be an actual mentor, but...close to that.
I got an email in August, thanking me for my interest and stating that I needed to attend an orientation. I couldn't make the orientation dates in August but I made the one last week in this month, as I already reported. I was tired and just a bit cranky when I went in there. But when I got out, I was totally all fired up. The coordinator was just going on and on about what these kids go through and what the YouthCare program offers them. I thought it just offered shelter, food and some clothing but it's much more than that. They actually have various stage programs the kids can go through to get job skills, then jobs, then learn how to pay bills and taxes, and finally to actually do it...to get themselves an apartment and become self sufficient. This orientation really opened up my options about how I can be involved, and boosted my confidence.
For instance, she mentioned that a few volunteers get so interested that they want to spend more time volunteering, but of course, they only have so much time, so they make up for it by donating things...like socks. Homeless kids go through socks like you wouldn't believe. Man, I just wanted to bolt out of the building and find some shop and buy a bunch of packages of socks to donate right there and then!! I loved that I could get involved on very simplistic levels..."safe" levels. Volunteering in areas where I wouldn't have to worry about qualifications or long time commitments. All kinds of small, simple ways to help out.
But then, at the end, we had to fill out a document authorizing a background check and, while I think my check will do okay, it's been a week since I've heard from them.
And I realized tonight, that I've been getting impatient. And even bitchy.
See, just that one orientation gave me a taste of what this was all about. I felt good about just attending to learn more and finding that after learning more, I wanted to plunge right in.
A couple times, I have prayed to my Guiding Spirit and asked for more positive, empowering people to come into my life. Both times, I have gotten this answer:
Be a more positive, empowering person yourself, and they will appear.
So...since I've thought about this so much, and since I've taken these initial steps, I feel like I'm at this edge, this precipice, this doorway between two different worlds. And I want to pass. I want a breakthrough. I want to get OUT of that world where everyone sits around shooting their mouths off about what they think they know, and their little opinions about the world and the people in it. I want to jump INTO this larger, new world, where people actually do things to contribute to a better environment. I want to feel that, be a part of that.
But this wait...it's been grinding on my psyche. So I'm suddenly catapulted into this nightmarish world where I see selfishness everywhere my beady little eyes look. A hard one is when I'm at the Paramount Theater and I get assigned to do gum check duty, which means I have to wander around the theater staring at the floor, looking for blotches of gum. And when I find one, I spray this stuff on it to soften it up and dissolve it, and then use a scraping tool to chisel it up off the floor and then throw it in one of the beaver bags. I get annoyed doing this because I think of all thse careless fuckers who have to have something in their mouths, like cows chewing cud, and they can't be bothered to wrap it up and throw it away, so no, they just throw it on the floor or stick it under the seat or the armrest. Fucking pisses me off!
Same with smokers. When they're done with it, they just throw the still burning butt on the sidewalk and keep walking. Or if they're really "cool", they flick it at a building or a tree. I'll say it now: You're not cool, Mr. Buttflicker. You're a shitbag.
Here again, I have to bring up Roscoe. He smokes. But he lets his butt drop to the sidewalk, steps on it to put the cherry out, and then picks it back up and puts it into his pocket until he finds a trash can and then deposits it there. I don't know anyone else who does this.
My mother was talking of the time she met him. She and her husbund were coming up to visit me for my birthday and offered to take me out to dinner. She specified a nice place with good food. Roscoe had already offered and I wanted him to meet my mother, so we had this big dinner at Beppo's (that's an Italian restaurant, for those of you non-Seattleites). So we ordered our food. Just before it was served, a family was seated at the table next to ours, a family with two giggling teenage girls. When we got our food and started eating, Roscoe noticed the girls were checking out his food. So he said, "You want to try some of this?" They blushed but said yes and so he said, "Give me your forks." They gave him their forks and he put a big, heaping sample on each and gave it back. The girls ate it and liked it so much they agreed one would order it and the other something else and they'd share their plates. Their parents beamed at him. My mother was awestruck. She told me, "I knew he was a good man when I watched him do that." Oddly enough, it barely registered with me, partly because I am used to seeing him do this kind of thing, and partly because I'm a rather self centered person.
He does this stuff all the time. All kinds of little things to show that he is conscious and aware of other people and his environment. Always giving and sharing. See? There is a reason why this man is my best friend and why I look up to him and want to be like him.
And Orry. Another wonderful, generous, caring person. And Purple Mark is very generous too (all these people are Leos, by the way...see why I like Leos?)
So...I'm ready. And I look more now for opportunities to help other people out. And it feels great when I can!!
But I want to go further in and this waiting...fuck, it's driving me crazy!! I feel like I'm stuck in Selfish World, like the claws of selfishness are trying to hold on to me, keep me back. I see apathetic and careless behavior everywhere and I'm feeling very hypersensitive to it. I'm trying to hack away at those claws, shouting, "NO!! Let me go! I want to evolve! I want to transform! I want to contribute! I want to be a part of!" And it's just making me really bitchy and nasty.
Some drunks hit me up for money on my way to the store tonight. I said no. But then, after leaving the store, I gave them some and they were more grateful than I expected. So...I felt a little better. Yes, they'll probably spend it on an Old English 40oz and forget about it tomorrow, when they're hungover. I don't care. It just felt a little better than walking past them, with both of us knowing I had a buck or two to spare.
See, it's like this: I've known Roscoe for almost 11 years now and during that time, he has occasionally pointed out that I can be a rather self centered individual and sometimes very gently tried to nudge me towards being not so much so. Also, my friend Orry is a member of the Sisters of Perpetual Indulgence and so does a lot of volunteer fundraising. I happen to know the Sisters do other, more intense work than just fundraising. For instance, many people do not know that the Sisters designed the very first safe sex pamphlet (now you know). Safe sex pamphlets are so common these days that nobody stops to think that at one time, they weren't around and then someone...the Sisters...came up with this rather novel idea! But even that doesn't really qualify as the more intense work that I'm thinking of. Some of their work in organizing the AIDS quilt to be shown and, most of all, the Sisters would seek out men who were dying of AIDS in hospitals and visit them. They often found that these patients, particularly the ones in worse condition, were not only abandoned by family, but even their friends had stopped coming around to visit, either because they weren't such good friends and didn't care, or watching their friend slowly waste away was too hard on them so they chickened out. In either case, these men were left to die alone in a hospital room. So in came the Sisters, full of flowers and gifts and jokes and they performed little skits and even flirted with the patients. I remember hearing about how they did this. Their policy was not to show any sadness or pity. They were to be cheerful and funny because they were doing this FOR the patient. The object was to bring some laughs and smiles to these lonely and miserable individuals. The Sister who told me about this said that even though they were to maintain this uplifting attitude all the way until they got out of the hospital, they often found they couldn't keep the smile after they left the room. It was hard work. It was a lot of serious energy being given. And it was heartbreaking to see what was happening to this person's humanity in that little hospital.
Orry hasn't done that kind of work but he wants to. He's currently excited to be training as a nurse so he can care for the elderly.
Roscoe isn't doing so much volunteering these days but he's done a lot in the past and he is still a giver. I see...something different in both of these men. It's so hard to describe that subtle difference, but it's there. And then I think of others who do this kind of stuff and I see this same difference in them too.
So I decided back in late July to take the plunge and I had been thinking of Orion Youth Center, mainly because it was close to where I live and I'd like the chance to work with kids. I will admit very plainly that, since I've been treated like a younger brother who needs to be taken under the wing by so many people in the past, and have gotten very sick and tired of it, for the last year or two, I have been feeling something in me...this desire to be looked up to, to be someone who inspires others and who can maybe offer some wisdom and understanding. I don't feel confident enough to be an actual mentor, but...close to that.
I got an email in August, thanking me for my interest and stating that I needed to attend an orientation. I couldn't make the orientation dates in August but I made the one last week in this month, as I already reported. I was tired and just a bit cranky when I went in there. But when I got out, I was totally all fired up. The coordinator was just going on and on about what these kids go through and what the YouthCare program offers them. I thought it just offered shelter, food and some clothing but it's much more than that. They actually have various stage programs the kids can go through to get job skills, then jobs, then learn how to pay bills and taxes, and finally to actually do it...to get themselves an apartment and become self sufficient. This orientation really opened up my options about how I can be involved, and boosted my confidence.
For instance, she mentioned that a few volunteers get so interested that they want to spend more time volunteering, but of course, they only have so much time, so they make up for it by donating things...like socks. Homeless kids go through socks like you wouldn't believe. Man, I just wanted to bolt out of the building and find some shop and buy a bunch of packages of socks to donate right there and then!! I loved that I could get involved on very simplistic levels..."safe" levels. Volunteering in areas where I wouldn't have to worry about qualifications or long time commitments. All kinds of small, simple ways to help out.
But then, at the end, we had to fill out a document authorizing a background check and, while I think my check will do okay, it's been a week since I've heard from them.
And I realized tonight, that I've been getting impatient. And even bitchy.
See, just that one orientation gave me a taste of what this was all about. I felt good about just attending to learn more and finding that after learning more, I wanted to plunge right in.
A couple times, I have prayed to my Guiding Spirit and asked for more positive, empowering people to come into my life. Both times, I have gotten this answer:
Be a more positive, empowering person yourself, and they will appear.
So...since I've thought about this so much, and since I've taken these initial steps, I feel like I'm at this edge, this precipice, this doorway between two different worlds. And I want to pass. I want a breakthrough. I want to get OUT of that world where everyone sits around shooting their mouths off about what they think they know, and their little opinions about the world and the people in it. I want to jump INTO this larger, new world, where people actually do things to contribute to a better environment. I want to feel that, be a part of that.
But this wait...it's been grinding on my psyche. So I'm suddenly catapulted into this nightmarish world where I see selfishness everywhere my beady little eyes look. A hard one is when I'm at the Paramount Theater and I get assigned to do gum check duty, which means I have to wander around the theater staring at the floor, looking for blotches of gum. And when I find one, I spray this stuff on it to soften it up and dissolve it, and then use a scraping tool to chisel it up off the floor and then throw it in one of the beaver bags. I get annoyed doing this because I think of all thse careless fuckers who have to have something in their mouths, like cows chewing cud, and they can't be bothered to wrap it up and throw it away, so no, they just throw it on the floor or stick it under the seat or the armrest. Fucking pisses me off!
Same with smokers. When they're done with it, they just throw the still burning butt on the sidewalk and keep walking. Or if they're really "cool", they flick it at a building or a tree. I'll say it now: You're not cool, Mr. Buttflicker. You're a shitbag.
Here again, I have to bring up Roscoe. He smokes. But he lets his butt drop to the sidewalk, steps on it to put the cherry out, and then picks it back up and puts it into his pocket until he finds a trash can and then deposits it there. I don't know anyone else who does this.
My mother was talking of the time she met him. She and her husbund were coming up to visit me for my birthday and offered to take me out to dinner. She specified a nice place with good food. Roscoe had already offered and I wanted him to meet my mother, so we had this big dinner at Beppo's (that's an Italian restaurant, for those of you non-Seattleites). So we ordered our food. Just before it was served, a family was seated at the table next to ours, a family with two giggling teenage girls. When we got our food and started eating, Roscoe noticed the girls were checking out his food. So he said, "You want to try some of this?" They blushed but said yes and so he said, "Give me your forks." They gave him their forks and he put a big, heaping sample on each and gave it back. The girls ate it and liked it so much they agreed one would order it and the other something else and they'd share their plates. Their parents beamed at him. My mother was awestruck. She told me, "I knew he was a good man when I watched him do that." Oddly enough, it barely registered with me, partly because I am used to seeing him do this kind of thing, and partly because I'm a rather self centered person.
He does this stuff all the time. All kinds of little things to show that he is conscious and aware of other people and his environment. Always giving and sharing. See? There is a reason why this man is my best friend and why I look up to him and want to be like him.
And Orry. Another wonderful, generous, caring person. And Purple Mark is very generous too (all these people are Leos, by the way...see why I like Leos?)
So...I'm ready. And I look more now for opportunities to help other people out. And it feels great when I can!!
But I want to go further in and this waiting...fuck, it's driving me crazy!! I feel like I'm stuck in Selfish World, like the claws of selfishness are trying to hold on to me, keep me back. I see apathetic and careless behavior everywhere and I'm feeling very hypersensitive to it. I'm trying to hack away at those claws, shouting, "NO!! Let me go! I want to evolve! I want to transform! I want to contribute! I want to be a part of!" And it's just making me really bitchy and nasty.
Some drunks hit me up for money on my way to the store tonight. I said no. But then, after leaving the store, I gave them some and they were more grateful than I expected. So...I felt a little better. Yes, they'll probably spend it on an Old English 40oz and forget about it tomorrow, when they're hungover. I don't care. It just felt a little better than walking past them, with both of us knowing I had a buck or two to spare.