Comments | squidwhisk: Fic: Monsters, All of Us 3/4

squidwhisk

Fic: Monsters, All of Us 3/4

Nov 08, 2010 22:48

Title: Monsters, All of Us
Part: 3/4 A Dead Watch
Warnings:The Drama Llama is running rampant through this fic. Levity might appear here and there. Graphic description of senseless violence without any empathy. Comments and Criticism are not just appreciated, they are loved and treasured.

Prompt Link: http://sherlockbbc-fic.livejournal.com/ ( Read more... )

ツ Harry Watson, ∫ic | MAOU, ツ John Watson, ∫ic, ツ Sherlock Holmes, sherlock bbc (2010), ∫ic | in progress

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feedback disassembly_rsn November 9 2010, 14:07:53 UTC

I was pleased to see that you'd put up the next section of the story - there don't seem to be many stories that serve both as character studies and as actual cases, so this one stands out. I have enjoyed reading it. Thank you.

...wait, it's not curry anymore, is it?
I always enjoy seeing stories that give Sherlock a new and original experiment. This one was absolutely disgusting, and a perfect reason for John to opt for the pub instead of trying to eat at home, so it fit nicely into the plot. Sherlock's response to John's actions was *very* well handled.

*Very* nice that John figured out who the murderer was before Sherlock, and gave Sherlock a taste of what Sherlock's typical behaviour feels like.

If John dared enjoy this, Sherlock would have Molly bring the entire contents of the morgue and store it in John's bed at his earliest convenience.He would, too ( ... )

Re: feedback squidwhisk November 9 2010, 16:26:52 UTC

I might have to worship you forever ( ... )

Re: feedback disassembly_rsn November 10 2010, 00:36:18 UTC

Well, if you're willing to try having a non-RL beta, so to speak, I could give it a try.

I'm a native English speaker, but not British.

The book with the grammatical nuances - it was actually a short story that was part of one of the 'ten minute mysteries' collections that used to be in print when I was growing up. If you've ever read the Encyclopedia Brown mysteries for children, they were the same sort of thing.

In practice, a lot of people would use 'scanned' the way Sherlock did in your story, but since Sherlock makes a point of speaking correctly, I thought I'd mention it.

Re: feedback squidwhisk November 10 2010, 00:54:20 UTC

If you are willing to be my beta then I am the happiest author in existence. Purely by nature of being a native English speaker you are ahead of me. I keep having to think through sentences with "no wait, that is not a word here" in mind. Above native knowledge of the language, you also seem incredibly well read with a fantastic eye for grammar, wording and voice. If only I could send you baked goods/beer in compensation.

As for the book, I have heard of the Encyclopedia Brown mysteries, but never read them as a child due to the language barrier at that age; That and I had strict "dragon on cover" requirements for all my reading.

Also, I appreciate you pointing out "scanned." Sherlock is a grammar nerd and your recommendations give him a more genuine voice.

Re: feedback disassembly_rsn November 10 2010, 03:02:13 UTC

Well, let's see.

I have assumed that Harry was drunk while sending some of her texts, which would be why the birthday text contained errors. That's a nice touch.

John was seeing a therapist because the government wanted him to stop seeing kill shots whenever he was grocery shopping.
I liked this line.

Sherlock continued skimming through the listing of all 180 to 195 centimetre tall Americans who had arrived in the country at least five months ago. With brown hair and who were handsome (Wilson's neighbour's charmingly precise description).
'With brown...' is currently a sentence fragment. Did you break that off because only those two points were supplied by the neighbour? If not, one way to eliminate the sentence fragment would be to combine it with the previous sentence, like this: Sherlock continued skimming through the listing of all 180 to 195 centimetre tall Americans who had arrived in the country at least five months ago, had brown hair and who were handsome (Wilson's neighbour's charmingly precise description).

"Don't touch ( ... )

Re: feedback squidwhisk November 10 2010, 18:44:34 UTC

Thank you so much for this. Your recommendations are fantastic and obviously really well thought out. I think I managed to include the vast majority!! :) The only suggestion I had trouble with was the lack of periods. In the example you gave, my computer shows a period. Maybe this has to do with how my computer understands LJ's coding? Are there any other areas where this occurs ( ... )

Re: feedback disassembly_rsn November 11 2010, 01:01:08 UTC

Note: I also sent you email about chapters 1 and 2 rather than responding via LJ comment for them.

About missing periods - I'm seeing it like this:

He didn’t have to look up to know which container John’s eyes would be drawn to “Don’t touch that.”
No period is visible after 'drawn to' but there should be one. I copied the text straight out of the LJ display to this comment, and it isn't showing a period.

Re: feedback squidwhisk November 12 2010, 16:48:14 UTC

You are awesome! Thank you, I got your e-mails and will be making the changes and replying to the incredible feedback in the next couple of days. :)

Also, I now see the period problem!! Apparently I have been doing that all over the place without noticing. Thank you for pointing it out!

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