(no subject)
It has been a while now since I have logged my dismays and petty annoyances. I have had much time to reflect on my life in the last couple of weeks. I have also been repeatedly lured into situations that I would as soon avoid. I realized this has always been true of me. It takes a little as innocent curiousity to pull me into something that either is freaky, lame, or out of hand. Thankfully the extreem side of this proclivity has not come around, but it could at any time.
As I have so often bitched, Starbucks is a trip. EVERYONE (that is of age) that works there either drinks like a fish or smokes (weed) like a chimney. I have put forth lazy effort into avoiding these things, or at least limiting them. I have no self control. What has been building now is a situation all too similar that the movie "Waiting". Thankfully real life is a bit better written than the movie. There is just a mechanicalness to work-work-drink or work-work-smoke, or work-work-drink-smoke. It is forming bonds that I would as soon not bond so fast. There is also the tendancy for secrets to not stay secrets. At my work, everyone knows EVERYTHING that everyone does. I suspect that largely this is because most of these things are done with eachother. I don't do things with coworkers but constantly hearing about does occasionally cause some personal detail to fall from my lips.
What troubles me is the the feeling of tides that surrounds me in the process. With each month all my old friends from "the day" slip further and further away. Many of them are completeing collage now. Their ticket to a life outside that of the wage slave. That created a small vacuum between people...or at least people and me. On the other side, amonst the townies my reputation or wit, good behavue, and classyness is spreading. Me, classy, who would have ever thought.
I think that I would not have the stife about this that I do, if I wasn't deeply jelious of my collage friends lives and futures. It makes me very angry with myself that I have yet to muster the disciplin and maturity to do that. Makes me feel sort of worthless. I will just have to hold true to an old plan of mine. If I have not made my shit better for myself by the time I am twenty eight (so four years) I will either have to move out of state or kill myself.
The deepest needle in my side is not knowing if I really have started to annoy the shit ouf of the people that I care most about or not. To me it seems that I do, more and more.
As I have so often bitched, Starbucks is a trip. EVERYONE (that is of age) that works there either drinks like a fish or smokes (weed) like a chimney. I have put forth lazy effort into avoiding these things, or at least limiting them. I have no self control. What has been building now is a situation all too similar that the movie "Waiting". Thankfully real life is a bit better written than the movie. There is just a mechanicalness to work-work-drink or work-work-smoke, or work-work-drink-smoke. It is forming bonds that I would as soon not bond so fast. There is also the tendancy for secrets to not stay secrets. At my work, everyone knows EVERYTHING that everyone does. I suspect that largely this is because most of these things are done with eachother. I don't do things with coworkers but constantly hearing about does occasionally cause some personal detail to fall from my lips.
What troubles me is the the feeling of tides that surrounds me in the process. With each month all my old friends from "the day" slip further and further away. Many of them are completeing collage now. Their ticket to a life outside that of the wage slave. That created a small vacuum between people...or at least people and me. On the other side, amonst the townies my reputation or wit, good behavue, and classyness is spreading. Me, classy, who would have ever thought.
I think that I would not have the stife about this that I do, if I wasn't deeply jelious of my collage friends lives and futures. It makes me very angry with myself that I have yet to muster the disciplin and maturity to do that. Makes me feel sort of worthless. I will just have to hold true to an old plan of mine. If I have not made my shit better for myself by the time I am twenty eight (so four years) I will either have to move out of state or kill myself.
The deepest needle in my side is not knowing if I really have started to annoy the shit ouf of the people that I care most about or not. To me it seems that I do, more and more.