Wednesday
I used a holiday yesterday to stay home in bed, even though I slept for more than 10 hours the night before. I added on another two hours before I finally woke up, ate breakfast/lunch, and watched two episodes of 48 Hours Mystery on YouTube.
I cried, I talked to my mom and cried more, emailed a few people, did some laundry and some dishes, and watched the day slip away while not wanting to do anything. I made myself soup in the evening, chatted with Dan, got a text from Kev (he’s 3 for 5 on his promise), and waited for Chris to come online so that he could bark orders at me while chomp, chomp, chomping his gum in World of Warcraft.
I’m really depressed. It’ll go away. David was out of Prague (presumably in Brussels) over the weekend, so he’s tried to see me every night that he has been in Prague since Thursday. I feel so guilty turning him down repeatedly. He has friends visiting from France for the next few days, so I am off the hook. My mom convinced me that I should see him before he goes so I will try to meet him somewhere in public. I may still be willing to visit him in Brussels; who knows? I think he leaves in a week and a half and I’m hurting so much.
I just don’t know what will make it go away the fastest. Avoiding him? Telling myself that I will visit him so I don’t feel like I’m really losing him? Actually visiting him? I am heartbroken.
I tried to explain to Dan that, even though I know that David didn’t treat me that well in many respects-telling me to lose weight in order to date him; avoiding being seen in public with me-he was still so kind to my face. Charming, sweet, funny, charismatic. I loved being around him. I feel this horrible sense of loss.
As for Chris, we had a nice weekend together, but I am thinking more and more about how it doesn’t make sense for me to move to Vienna. He speaks English fluently, so why should I have to learn German in order for us to be together? Yes, it would be a nice gesture for me to try to understand his language so that I understand him better and can better communicate with his family. But if he wanted to be with me, he would be willing to move somewhere English-speaking. Not only am I fairly certain that he’s not willing, he made a couple of remarks this weekend that really rubbed me the wrong way. The first was something about how he intends to stay in his tiny, one-room apartment for the next few years. This means he does not intend to live with me for a few years.
And then he said something about how he doesn’t want me to sacrifice anything for him. I told him that relationships take sacrifices, but I think that revealed way too much about him. He doesn’t want me to sacrifice anything because he wants a clear conscience. If I move to Vienna, he wants to believe I’m doing it because I want to live in Vienna and not because I love him enough to uproot my life for him. He doesn’t want that.
Last night, as he was barking orders at me, Chris asked me if I wanted to break up with him. I sometimes think that he wants to break up with me but isn’t strong enough to do it. That was always Leslie’s theory-that he wanted me to break up with him. Maybe. We can rarely talk about these things, so it’s hard for me to know.
I’m not going to make any grand proclamations about what I’m going to do. I really don’t know. I have ideas. I just need to get past this current hurdle with David. I want him to leave without thinking I’m a horrible person for avoiding him in these past few days. Maybe I should just tell him that it’s painful for me to see him.
Ok, I cannot think about this anymore; I will start to cry.
I cried, I talked to my mom and cried more, emailed a few people, did some laundry and some dishes, and watched the day slip away while not wanting to do anything. I made myself soup in the evening, chatted with Dan, got a text from Kev (he’s 3 for 5 on his promise), and waited for Chris to come online so that he could bark orders at me while chomp, chomp, chomping his gum in World of Warcraft.
I’m really depressed. It’ll go away. David was out of Prague (presumably in Brussels) over the weekend, so he’s tried to see me every night that he has been in Prague since Thursday. I feel so guilty turning him down repeatedly. He has friends visiting from France for the next few days, so I am off the hook. My mom convinced me that I should see him before he goes so I will try to meet him somewhere in public. I may still be willing to visit him in Brussels; who knows? I think he leaves in a week and a half and I’m hurting so much.
I just don’t know what will make it go away the fastest. Avoiding him? Telling myself that I will visit him so I don’t feel like I’m really losing him? Actually visiting him? I am heartbroken.
I tried to explain to Dan that, even though I know that David didn’t treat me that well in many respects-telling me to lose weight in order to date him; avoiding being seen in public with me-he was still so kind to my face. Charming, sweet, funny, charismatic. I loved being around him. I feel this horrible sense of loss.
As for Chris, we had a nice weekend together, but I am thinking more and more about how it doesn’t make sense for me to move to Vienna. He speaks English fluently, so why should I have to learn German in order for us to be together? Yes, it would be a nice gesture for me to try to understand his language so that I understand him better and can better communicate with his family. But if he wanted to be with me, he would be willing to move somewhere English-speaking. Not only am I fairly certain that he’s not willing, he made a couple of remarks this weekend that really rubbed me the wrong way. The first was something about how he intends to stay in his tiny, one-room apartment for the next few years. This means he does not intend to live with me for a few years.
And then he said something about how he doesn’t want me to sacrifice anything for him. I told him that relationships take sacrifices, but I think that revealed way too much about him. He doesn’t want me to sacrifice anything because he wants a clear conscience. If I move to Vienna, he wants to believe I’m doing it because I want to live in Vienna and not because I love him enough to uproot my life for him. He doesn’t want that.
Last night, as he was barking orders at me, Chris asked me if I wanted to break up with him. I sometimes think that he wants to break up with me but isn’t strong enough to do it. That was always Leslie’s theory-that he wanted me to break up with him. Maybe. We can rarely talk about these things, so it’s hard for me to know.
I’m not going to make any grand proclamations about what I’m going to do. I really don’t know. I have ideas. I just need to get past this current hurdle with David. I want him to leave without thinking I’m a horrible person for avoiding him in these past few days. Maybe I should just tell him that it’s painful for me to see him.
Ok, I cannot think about this anymore; I will start to cry.