No Promises
In regards to all the comments on yesterday’s post, I now feel like I finally, finally understand the point that so many of you have been trying to make for…years now? And last night, I was thinking I would break up with Chris and have some alone time, but I decided not to be hasty and at least sleep on it.
I woke up to an email from David, just writing to update me on the exam he’s in London to take and to ask how I am doing. And it made me feel good to know he was thinking of me.
Today, I talked briefly to my friend Kev, the hasher I met in the Netherlands and who lives in Belgium (although he’s currently in London visiting his family). He reiterated what he said to me in a call last Friday, which was what most of you said: do NOT date David. He tried to get me to promise that I won't, but I wouldn’t lie and just said that I don’t know yet what I will do.
I will admit that my self esteem is low and my sense of self is shitty. I will admit that there are men out there who will love me as I am. I will admit that I have made some bad choices. But, goddammit. 90% of the time that I am with David, I feel like I’m floating on a cloud. I’m not sure if I’ve ever met another person whose company I enjoy more. Ok, probably. But I’m hard pressed to come up with who that is. I know it’s unhealthy and if I move forward with him, it’ll end badly, but that doesn’t make me want him any less.
I have never wanted to be with someone for as long as I have wanted him and then actually ended up with that person (either I’ve gotten my man quickly or never at all). It’s weird to think that I would turn him away.
And, no, this does not mean that my mind is made up. Far from it. I still love Chris. And I have spent large portions of the last couple of days (and months, really) thinking about how David hasn’t introduced me to his friends or invited me to his parties or really taken me out, because, presumably, he’s embarrassed to be seen with me. And I try to equate that with other people in my life who have embarrassed me even though I love them, whether it’s dorky members of my family or people who I have dated-I was embarrassed by Fouad’s horrible grasp of the English language, for instance, and, yes, I was even embarrassed by how obese Kosta was. Ironically, he told me that I ought to lose weight; I said nothing about how large he was, and we dated less than a month.
Anyway, I’m not an idiot, and I have heard all of your messages loud and clear. And I want to make all of you proud of me by being an independent woman, but I can’t make promises yet.
And now, for the weight loss stuff. I’m down another two and a half pounds this week. That makes 27.5 pounds since restarting my diet this year, and 61.5 (wow!) since my highest weight.
A treasure chest moving towards a treasure chest? Sure, why not?
I woke up to an email from David, just writing to update me on the exam he’s in London to take and to ask how I am doing. And it made me feel good to know he was thinking of me.
Today, I talked briefly to my friend Kev, the hasher I met in the Netherlands and who lives in Belgium (although he’s currently in London visiting his family). He reiterated what he said to me in a call last Friday, which was what most of you said: do NOT date David. He tried to get me to promise that I won't, but I wouldn’t lie and just said that I don’t know yet what I will do.
I will admit that my self esteem is low and my sense of self is shitty. I will admit that there are men out there who will love me as I am. I will admit that I have made some bad choices. But, goddammit. 90% of the time that I am with David, I feel like I’m floating on a cloud. I’m not sure if I’ve ever met another person whose company I enjoy more. Ok, probably. But I’m hard pressed to come up with who that is. I know it’s unhealthy and if I move forward with him, it’ll end badly, but that doesn’t make me want him any less.
I have never wanted to be with someone for as long as I have wanted him and then actually ended up with that person (either I’ve gotten my man quickly or never at all). It’s weird to think that I would turn him away.
And, no, this does not mean that my mind is made up. Far from it. I still love Chris. And I have spent large portions of the last couple of days (and months, really) thinking about how David hasn’t introduced me to his friends or invited me to his parties or really taken me out, because, presumably, he’s embarrassed to be seen with me. And I try to equate that with other people in my life who have embarrassed me even though I love them, whether it’s dorky members of my family or people who I have dated-I was embarrassed by Fouad’s horrible grasp of the English language, for instance, and, yes, I was even embarrassed by how obese Kosta was. Ironically, he told me that I ought to lose weight; I said nothing about how large he was, and we dated less than a month.
Anyway, I’m not an idiot, and I have heard all of your messages loud and clear. And I want to make all of you proud of me by being an independent woman, but I can’t make promises yet.
And now, for the weight loss stuff. I’m down another two and a half pounds this week. That makes 27.5 pounds since restarting my diet this year, and 61.5 (wow!) since my highest weight.
A treasure chest moving towards a treasure chest? Sure, why not?