Space
I’m experiencing a low. I am extremely depressed and although I’m trying to reach out to friends, I actually feel a much stronger desire to curl up in the fetal position than to fight off the depression with social contact. I suppose that’s pretty bad then.
But I will go to yoga after work today, and I will see Caroline there. She has been working very hard to plan a holiday for the two of us for the end of March. I’m not sure that I can go but I appreciate her efforts and if she finds something that works with my schedule and budget, I will join her. (But I’m already going to Amsterdam with her and Leslie in May so I don’t want to go overboard with the girl travel when I’d like to leave some days open to spend with Chris and to maybe even venture to the US).
But seeing her this evening might lift my spirits.
Chris and I had a very big fight on Thursday. He nearly uninvited me for the weekend because he didn’t think he was emotionally capable of handling it. He said he needed some time to himself, some distance. He said that he felt like he had a wife but he doesn’t want a wife; he wants a girlfriend. He said that he’s very happy with our long distance arrangement and he sees no need to change that, because he needs space for himself.
At the beginning of the argument, he simply addressed some issues that he was having with me but asked that I “please” still come for the weekend. But then he took it back, after I expressed that perhaps we should spend it apart, so I don’t know if he really ever intended to uninvite me or if he was trying to punish me a bit for being manipulative. Either way, it worked and I ended up pleading with him to let me visit. I claimed that it was because it was Valentine’s Day but the truth is that for him to uninvite me felt like we were breaking up and I thought I might have a panic attack. He did at least stress that it was not a breakup, but…it just felt terrible.
In the end, he said I could come but I was scared about how it would go over. Like so many of our other weekends, it felt make or break. If that’s the case, then “make.” It was a wonderful weekend, and we both had a great time. He said that the fight was forgiven and forgotten and he had that look about him of someone who is very much in love, as he told me how amazing I am and how he was so happy to have me as his valentine and what a wonderful Valentine’s Day it was.
But I’m confused. After Christmas, we had a temporary problem where I was getting too clingy and it caused him to panic. I pulled back, and he said he felt closer to me than ever before and was immensely lovey dovey. He started talking about how he wanted us to be together forever and began periodically asking me to never leave him. For me, this was a sign that things were moving in the right direction so I started dropping hints about our future and how it was likely that either I would move to Vienna or he and I would move to the US.
But this was apparently a big mistake because, oh my God, these kinds of conversations were suffocating him! And that was brought up in Thursday’s fight. He needs space! He’s an independent human being!
Obviously pleading with him to spend the weekend together was the wrong move entirely but I did it anyway and both of us are immensely happy that we were together this past weekend.
Also, over the weekend, I made some mention of “if” we lived together (yada yada yada) and I ended it with some lame attempt to clear all expectations from the statement, saying that, of course, that was not necessarily going to happen and probably wouldn’t. And he immediately interjected to say that it made him feel sad to hear me say that we may not live together in the future.
Confusing? Yes.
Anyway, now that I’m back from the weekend, I’m going to give him some space. Ordinarily, for instance, I would email him within the first couple of hours that I am at work. Usually it’s just a quick little note to let him know what I’m up to or thinking about or whatever. Every now and then, he beats me to the punch and there’s an email waiting for me when I get to work. Today, I didn’t send one so, around noon, he called me to see what was up and if I was ok and to tell me that he loves me.
And I must admit that I’m confused. Is this just a case of a guy who wants what he can’t have? Or does he just not know what he wants? I think that he’s afraid that if our relationship progresses, I will suffocate him, so I have to prove to him that this is not the case. I am the kind of person who needs my space too and maybe the next time that we spend an extended period of time together, I will demonstrate how easy it is for us to co-exist-for me to go in another room and read while he plays with his computer or some such thing. I don’t have to be needy or clingy.
But, as of now, whenever I try to do something like this--even when I get up for a moment to go to the kitchen to get a drink, he gets pouty and tells me that he doesn’t want me to be away from him. He wants us to be together. And this doesn’t bother me at all because I find his affection so absolutely sweet. It just confuses the hell out of me when he contradicts himself with needs for space.
So I feel this need to reevaluate our relationship in terms of what I want versus what he wants, but this also just makes me extremely depressed and sad because I adore him and have such wonderful times with him and wish it would work out. For now, then, I will give him a bit of space and will try to do so from the fetal position.
But I will go to yoga after work today, and I will see Caroline there. She has been working very hard to plan a holiday for the two of us for the end of March. I’m not sure that I can go but I appreciate her efforts and if she finds something that works with my schedule and budget, I will join her. (But I’m already going to Amsterdam with her and Leslie in May so I don’t want to go overboard with the girl travel when I’d like to leave some days open to spend with Chris and to maybe even venture to the US).
But seeing her this evening might lift my spirits.
Chris and I had a very big fight on Thursday. He nearly uninvited me for the weekend because he didn’t think he was emotionally capable of handling it. He said he needed some time to himself, some distance. He said that he felt like he had a wife but he doesn’t want a wife; he wants a girlfriend. He said that he’s very happy with our long distance arrangement and he sees no need to change that, because he needs space for himself.
At the beginning of the argument, he simply addressed some issues that he was having with me but asked that I “please” still come for the weekend. But then he took it back, after I expressed that perhaps we should spend it apart, so I don’t know if he really ever intended to uninvite me or if he was trying to punish me a bit for being manipulative. Either way, it worked and I ended up pleading with him to let me visit. I claimed that it was because it was Valentine’s Day but the truth is that for him to uninvite me felt like we were breaking up and I thought I might have a panic attack. He did at least stress that it was not a breakup, but…it just felt terrible.
In the end, he said I could come but I was scared about how it would go over. Like so many of our other weekends, it felt make or break. If that’s the case, then “make.” It was a wonderful weekend, and we both had a great time. He said that the fight was forgiven and forgotten and he had that look about him of someone who is very much in love, as he told me how amazing I am and how he was so happy to have me as his valentine and what a wonderful Valentine’s Day it was.
But I’m confused. After Christmas, we had a temporary problem where I was getting too clingy and it caused him to panic. I pulled back, and he said he felt closer to me than ever before and was immensely lovey dovey. He started talking about how he wanted us to be together forever and began periodically asking me to never leave him. For me, this was a sign that things were moving in the right direction so I started dropping hints about our future and how it was likely that either I would move to Vienna or he and I would move to the US.
But this was apparently a big mistake because, oh my God, these kinds of conversations were suffocating him! And that was brought up in Thursday’s fight. He needs space! He’s an independent human being!
Obviously pleading with him to spend the weekend together was the wrong move entirely but I did it anyway and both of us are immensely happy that we were together this past weekend.
Also, over the weekend, I made some mention of “if” we lived together (yada yada yada) and I ended it with some lame attempt to clear all expectations from the statement, saying that, of course, that was not necessarily going to happen and probably wouldn’t. And he immediately interjected to say that it made him feel sad to hear me say that we may not live together in the future.
Confusing? Yes.
Anyway, now that I’m back from the weekend, I’m going to give him some space. Ordinarily, for instance, I would email him within the first couple of hours that I am at work. Usually it’s just a quick little note to let him know what I’m up to or thinking about or whatever. Every now and then, he beats me to the punch and there’s an email waiting for me when I get to work. Today, I didn’t send one so, around noon, he called me to see what was up and if I was ok and to tell me that he loves me.
And I must admit that I’m confused. Is this just a case of a guy who wants what he can’t have? Or does he just not know what he wants? I think that he’s afraid that if our relationship progresses, I will suffocate him, so I have to prove to him that this is not the case. I am the kind of person who needs my space too and maybe the next time that we spend an extended period of time together, I will demonstrate how easy it is for us to co-exist-for me to go in another room and read while he plays with his computer or some such thing. I don’t have to be needy or clingy.
But, as of now, whenever I try to do something like this--even when I get up for a moment to go to the kitchen to get a drink, he gets pouty and tells me that he doesn’t want me to be away from him. He wants us to be together. And this doesn’t bother me at all because I find his affection so absolutely sweet. It just confuses the hell out of me when he contradicts himself with needs for space.
So I feel this need to reevaluate our relationship in terms of what I want versus what he wants, but this also just makes me extremely depressed and sad because I adore him and have such wonderful times with him and wish it would work out. For now, then, I will give him a bit of space and will try to do so from the fetal position.