(no subject)
wow, i never write in this thing anymore. anyway, heres an update/insight
i hate living at murderhouse, i hate living in downtown kzoo, i hate the ghetto shit.
i really dont like living with my roommates, nobody is really having much fun anymore.
im working for gutter helmet again, and although the money is decent, i was such a fuckoff last year that its becoming impossible for me to get ahead again regardless of how hard i work.
ive completely abandoned my loose association with christianity. enough said there.
ive grown to completely despise myself, inside and out. no matter how hard i try to change either, i can never get right and be truly happy. bob badra said you cant love anything else unless you love yourself. i hate myself. i try and try and try to be good to everybody but im constantly getting shit on. i realized nobody truly likes me anymore. people think im funny or whatever or fun to hang out with, but deep down nobody really likes me. oh well.
ive become utterly dissatisfied with life in general. i wouldnt say i fear death, but lately i cant stop obsessing over my own demise. when and how it will happen, and what i will leave behind, and where i will go, if i go anywhere. ive been trying to live by a simple principal lately, and that is "let me die without fear as i have lived without it". to be without fear is to truly be free, and every day i become closer and closer to that freedom.
i am very very distant with my family now, more and more all the time. i hope to someday become something that they cant bitch about, because my whole life and now thats all they do. even deer season last year sucked because of them. constantly bitching at me and putting me down and making me feel like a complete failure and waste of space.
cory tried to kill me last saturday because he and madison walked in on me having sex 2 times, so i in turn flung open their door and ran away. its a testament to his upbringing and true character. fuck him.
being 21 hasnt really been all that cool yet. maybe when i get some friends things will be more fun.
seth broke up with his girlfriend, so now he will have a lot more time to hang out. i hope we get as close as we were before.
in december i lived with johnny for like the entire month. it was fun most of the time, it helped me clear my head and it helped me realize a lot of things about life and other people. by the end we were ready to strangle each other over stupid shit, so i got out of there and am now fully into murderhouse again.
things arent very fun right now, im in another one of those wierd zombified states like i was senior year. i just trudge through life as it flies past me, trying to find something to cling to and take with me, but it all just passes me by because im too stupid to make anything good happen for myself. i just let whatever will happen, happen, and sometimes i get drunk and sometimes i have sex with random girls, and thats it. thats life right now.
i hope after the winter blahs are gone and everyone is cool again i can be a little bit happier.
i hate living at murderhouse, i hate living in downtown kzoo, i hate the ghetto shit.
i really dont like living with my roommates, nobody is really having much fun anymore.
im working for gutter helmet again, and although the money is decent, i was such a fuckoff last year that its becoming impossible for me to get ahead again regardless of how hard i work.
ive completely abandoned my loose association with christianity. enough said there.
ive grown to completely despise myself, inside and out. no matter how hard i try to change either, i can never get right and be truly happy. bob badra said you cant love anything else unless you love yourself. i hate myself. i try and try and try to be good to everybody but im constantly getting shit on. i realized nobody truly likes me anymore. people think im funny or whatever or fun to hang out with, but deep down nobody really likes me. oh well.
ive become utterly dissatisfied with life in general. i wouldnt say i fear death, but lately i cant stop obsessing over my own demise. when and how it will happen, and what i will leave behind, and where i will go, if i go anywhere. ive been trying to live by a simple principal lately, and that is "let me die without fear as i have lived without it". to be without fear is to truly be free, and every day i become closer and closer to that freedom.
i am very very distant with my family now, more and more all the time. i hope to someday become something that they cant bitch about, because my whole life and now thats all they do. even deer season last year sucked because of them. constantly bitching at me and putting me down and making me feel like a complete failure and waste of space.
cory tried to kill me last saturday because he and madison walked in on me having sex 2 times, so i in turn flung open their door and ran away. its a testament to his upbringing and true character. fuck him.
being 21 hasnt really been all that cool yet. maybe when i get some friends things will be more fun.
seth broke up with his girlfriend, so now he will have a lot more time to hang out. i hope we get as close as we were before.
in december i lived with johnny for like the entire month. it was fun most of the time, it helped me clear my head and it helped me realize a lot of things about life and other people. by the end we were ready to strangle each other over stupid shit, so i got out of there and am now fully into murderhouse again.
things arent very fun right now, im in another one of those wierd zombified states like i was senior year. i just trudge through life as it flies past me, trying to find something to cling to and take with me, but it all just passes me by because im too stupid to make anything good happen for myself. i just let whatever will happen, happen, and sometimes i get drunk and sometimes i have sex with random girls, and thats it. thats life right now.
i hope after the winter blahs are gone and everyone is cool again i can be a little bit happier.