In a defensive shell of blissful denial
How the hell are you supposed to know you'll be happy with the decision you've made? Whose to say you will or won't? Despite pre-caution, planning, rational thoughts and decisions. Who the fuck is to say you'll be happy? Who the fuck are they to say you will or won't?
It's bullshit to say everyone will be happy all the time. It's bullshit to say that every decision needs to be planned and well thought out. What has it gotten them really? I guess that's my point. It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter what you do or don't do most of the time because things change, people change and all you really can do is adapt to it and deal with it as it comes. I moved in with Lauritz too soon. Apparently I should have thought it out. But what really did I loose in the end? $500? Is that enough for me to say I made a huge mistake?
Not really. It was a dumb move but what did I really lose? I got experience, had some happy times, some bad times and learned a lot about myself. So tell me, what did I really lose?
So now that I want to marry this awesome guy I can't. Because its wrong and I'm not supposed to want to. I'm supposed to wait and be rational and patient, and logical. I'm not supposed to realize that this guy has all the things I like about men. Is sexually awesome. Fun, smart and all around great? Nevermind the fact that he's the first guy I've ever met that I could totally have an open sexual relationship with. And is cool with me going out on dates with other people and is so sexually free its ridiculous!
Am I just supposed to ignore my body that told me he was a part of me from the very beginning? Ignore the fact that it tore me to pieces when I tried to cut him from my life?
I'm supposed to say no to that because I should wait? Wait for what exactly? Mr. Right? I don't even know if I believe in that. I believe in Ray and he believes in me. We found a beautiful ring. It was my ring...
Fuck all that. We're working our way towards marriage and that's it. I love him and he loves me. The end. After that there isn't anything left but the future.
And fuck you if you think I care what you think I should or shouldn't do. Really, fuck you.
It's bullshit to say everyone will be happy all the time. It's bullshit to say that every decision needs to be planned and well thought out. What has it gotten them really? I guess that's my point. It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter what you do or don't do most of the time because things change, people change and all you really can do is adapt to it and deal with it as it comes. I moved in with Lauritz too soon. Apparently I should have thought it out. But what really did I loose in the end? $500? Is that enough for me to say I made a huge mistake?
Not really. It was a dumb move but what did I really lose? I got experience, had some happy times, some bad times and learned a lot about myself. So tell me, what did I really lose?
So now that I want to marry this awesome guy I can't. Because its wrong and I'm not supposed to want to. I'm supposed to wait and be rational and patient, and logical. I'm not supposed to realize that this guy has all the things I like about men. Is sexually awesome. Fun, smart and all around great? Nevermind the fact that he's the first guy I've ever met that I could totally have an open sexual relationship with. And is cool with me going out on dates with other people and is so sexually free its ridiculous!
Am I just supposed to ignore my body that told me he was a part of me from the very beginning? Ignore the fact that it tore me to pieces when I tried to cut him from my life?
I'm supposed to say no to that because I should wait? Wait for what exactly? Mr. Right? I don't even know if I believe in that. I believe in Ray and he believes in me. We found a beautiful ring. It was my ring...
Fuck all that. We're working our way towards marriage and that's it. I love him and he loves me. The end. After that there isn't anything left but the future.
And fuck you if you think I care what you think I should or shouldn't do. Really, fuck you.