Zombie Requital Sadness - no requital is not a word
Blasted Pandora and their depressing music. Currently playing: The theme song from Requiem for Dream where everyone ends up either alone, used, mutilated or doped up. Relevant to my life? No. Relevant to my overly emotion pity-mones? Yes.
Pity-mones. The hormones that make me feel sorry for myself.
Make me feel sorry about the fact that I pay more than $1,500 in bills from a pay check of only $1,800. Leaving me with less than $300 to survive. To scrape by the hairs of my chiney chin chin. My body aches from the stress of it all. From constantly having to borrow money to avoid the overdraft bastard fee. From overworking myself in order to make ends meet. From subjecting myself to crap jobs that utilize my goodies more than my brains. From doing horribly repetitious work that no intelligent person should have to do. From the feeling my teeth are rotting because I can't afford to go to a dentist. Despite the fact that I do finally have dental.
what choice do I have? admit defeat and forbear my loans? admit defeat and trade in my car AGAIN? break down and give away my dogs? What? What choice do I have?
prostitution
stripping
waitressing
keeling over and dying
all of which are in no particular order of course.
But realistically those aren't options either. Mainly being that most of them would result in the termination of my current relationship which I'm not ready for.
So I guess all I can do is turn myself off and continue on. Like a zombie stuck in quick sand.
Is this what my parents feel? I think that scares me the most..... who the hell am I becoming if not what I wanted to be?
Pity-mones. The hormones that make me feel sorry for myself.
Make me feel sorry about the fact that I pay more than $1,500 in bills from a pay check of only $1,800. Leaving me with less than $300 to survive. To scrape by the hairs of my chiney chin chin. My body aches from the stress of it all. From constantly having to borrow money to avoid the overdraft bastard fee. From overworking myself in order to make ends meet. From subjecting myself to crap jobs that utilize my goodies more than my brains. From doing horribly repetitious work that no intelligent person should have to do. From the feeling my teeth are rotting because I can't afford to go to a dentist. Despite the fact that I do finally have dental.
what choice do I have? admit defeat and forbear my loans? admit defeat and trade in my car AGAIN? break down and give away my dogs? What? What choice do I have?
prostitution
stripping
waitressing
keeling over and dying
all of which are in no particular order of course.
But realistically those aren't options either. Mainly being that most of them would result in the termination of my current relationship which I'm not ready for.
So I guess all I can do is turn myself off and continue on. Like a zombie stuck in quick sand.
Is this what my parents feel? I think that scares me the most..... who the hell am I becoming if not what I wanted to be?