The Complexedness of the Complexedy of Death
I'm still sad. God answered my prayers and still my heart aches. Nibbles found a home Friday, though, a part of me is still expecting that call that says "I'm sorry but she isn't the dog for us." So much so that I haven't deposited the rehoming money that I was given. Feels like a no time is enough for me to stop worrying about that.
Patrick died on Friday morning. Patrick who I used to get so annoyed with freshman year becuase of his drunkenness and weird personality. Patrick who had a little beautiful girl. He was hit by a train apparently, though at the moment, the how and why are unknown. I can't stop thinking about him. All I picture is his dead body and it makes me sad. Lifeless was never something that I could attribute to him. And now, that's what he is. A cold lifeless body, lying on an autopsy table. It makes me feel sick inside. Sick and confused, because I could never make the claim that he and I were anywhere near being close. He lived with most of my friends, he's partied with most of us, and he's talked to us every now and then. But his death bothers me so much. So so much that it's always on my mind. Nothing else but his dead body. His actual dying. What the hell is wrong with me?
I prayed about it all day yesterday while I was at my retreat. We had so much time to pray considering that the entire retreat was dedicated to prayer. I prayed about it in church too. All day I prayed, and still I feel sad, confused, and just plain not a peace with it. I don't know what to do. I don't know what to say, because all these feelings I feel cannot be justified to anyone. And at the moment, all I feel is the need to justify myself to someone. To say, please let me talk to you about what I'm feeling and explain to you why I'm feeling this way. Though justifying is completly against what I stand for.
Maybe it's my period that has thrown me into emotional turmoil. It's the simplest and easiest explanation I can think of and implies a time limit on my sadness. A timelimit on my thoughts of Patrick, and at the moment, it seems to be my only salvation.
I'm going to read the bible and see what peace I can find there. Who knows? It's my hope that I can put away years of anger, bias, and bad feelings to help open myself up to something great. Peaceful.
Judge all you want.
Patrick died on Friday morning. Patrick who I used to get so annoyed with freshman year becuase of his drunkenness and weird personality. Patrick who had a little beautiful girl. He was hit by a train apparently, though at the moment, the how and why are unknown. I can't stop thinking about him. All I picture is his dead body and it makes me sad. Lifeless was never something that I could attribute to him. And now, that's what he is. A cold lifeless body, lying on an autopsy table. It makes me feel sick inside. Sick and confused, because I could never make the claim that he and I were anywhere near being close. He lived with most of my friends, he's partied with most of us, and he's talked to us every now and then. But his death bothers me so much. So so much that it's always on my mind. Nothing else but his dead body. His actual dying. What the hell is wrong with me?
I prayed about it all day yesterday while I was at my retreat. We had so much time to pray considering that the entire retreat was dedicated to prayer. I prayed about it in church too. All day I prayed, and still I feel sad, confused, and just plain not a peace with it. I don't know what to do. I don't know what to say, because all these feelings I feel cannot be justified to anyone. And at the moment, all I feel is the need to justify myself to someone. To say, please let me talk to you about what I'm feeling and explain to you why I'm feeling this way. Though justifying is completly against what I stand for.
Maybe it's my period that has thrown me into emotional turmoil. It's the simplest and easiest explanation I can think of and implies a time limit on my sadness. A timelimit on my thoughts of Patrick, and at the moment, it seems to be my only salvation.
I'm going to read the bible and see what peace I can find there. Who knows? It's my hope that I can put away years of anger, bias, and bad feelings to help open myself up to something great. Peaceful.
Judge all you want.