(no subject)
i am usually slow to use metaphor when speaking or writing, more because i am interested in the truth being told, in penetrating exactly it is what i wish to say or find. however, the other day, when asked how felt about my time in corpus christi, one uncharacteristically sprang to my lips. replying to the question i said, "it's as if i've been given a deck of cards, with only a fourth of the deck, and i'm told to play solitaire everyday. i have my good moments, my little runs, but at the end of the day, when it's dark and the birds have stopped screaming at the sea, there's no hope of winning the game."
terribly depressing, i know. but in reflection i realized that i now have spent over a year living in the south, away from people and cultures that make sense to me, that i feel at home in, and the weight of this environment is starting to take its toll. when active, i am happy, and when relaxing at home i can't stop the thoughts from seeping in. it's hard to read or write for extended periods of time. in a way, it's terrifying to think of how much control a part of the country has had on me.
and then a strange idea in a conversation and suddenly i'm more excited about august than i ever have been. to think that i was emphatically relieved that the weekend i was that getting my wings, the pursuit of the last year, wouldn't get in the way of leaving all of this and returning to colorado for so many other things says more than i have the courage to put into words.
nothing is for certain yet, but the possibilites are better than the first cup of coffee every morning. either way, it's good to feel excited about something again.
terribly depressing, i know. but in reflection i realized that i now have spent over a year living in the south, away from people and cultures that make sense to me, that i feel at home in, and the weight of this environment is starting to take its toll. when active, i am happy, and when relaxing at home i can't stop the thoughts from seeping in. it's hard to read or write for extended periods of time. in a way, it's terrifying to think of how much control a part of the country has had on me.
and then a strange idea in a conversation and suddenly i'm more excited about august than i ever have been. to think that i was emphatically relieved that the weekend i was that getting my wings, the pursuit of the last year, wouldn't get in the way of leaving all of this and returning to colorado for so many other things says more than i have the courage to put into words.
nothing is for certain yet, but the possibilites are better than the first cup of coffee every morning. either way, it's good to feel excited about something again.