Junior Year of High School
So happy that it is almost November. Something about November is so warm even when it's cold outside. I feel blessed I guess you can say. As bad as it is now, it can be worse. Count your blessings.
I haven't been journaling as much lately since Clo (a computer tech, what was I thinking) found my LiveJournal and my twitter and confronted me about some of the content. I was angry.. I still am but what did I expect? Once it's in the WWW it's out there permanently. *le sigh* I guess it put me back where I should be mentally. Maybe I wanted to be found put. Stop the crazy back and forth cycle I was perpetually trapped in I'm an extremely selfish person. And I sort of don't care to fix it.... pushing my chances of being a bride way down the line.
Our anniversary is coming up this month. The 20th I think. I remember when he first asked for my phone number. I was so naive and innocent in high school that I didn't count that as him asking me out. Then all of a sudden he's claiming me. "Yea! We've been together since I asked for your number!" How clever he was... Using that as a spring board to claim
me. Not that I fought it or said no. He always was and always will be a strategist.
Stop playing checkers and start playing chess.
I guess that's why he was able to find out about my emotional affair. It was one sided on my part. I don't know how the other felt. But I was wrong and childish to do that to someone that cares about my all around well being. Sometimes I start feeling extra guilty out of the blue and get so angry at myself. What was I expecting or hoping would happen? Nothing but bad could come from it. Fortunately it was emotional. Not physical. He would have dropped me in heartbeat.
But DAMN when he showed me the evidence. Repeated my words/thoughts to me verbatim... Obviously commited to memory for all the pain and hurt they've caused him. I left cookie crumbs everywhere! How fortunate I am that he considers this a small bump that will heal over time and has forgiven me! Who should be so fortnate?! Certainly not I! I don't deserve it. So I self punish on occasion. No caring about myself or appearance. I don't feel so pretty anymore. I feel ugly. I haven't eaten regularly in a long time even before he found out. I pretend it's fasting. Cleansing my conscience perhaps.
But reliving that moment in high school has eased my mood tremendously. At least temporarily. I hope this new month will alleviate this guilt, even just a little. I don't want to waste away. He's told me that he doesn't even have to do anything that I will beat myself up for what happened. And he's right. I hate how someone can know you so well that they can predict the next move.
Checkmate.
I haven't been journaling as much lately since Clo (a computer tech, what was I thinking) found my LiveJournal and my twitter and confronted me about some of the content. I was angry.. I still am but what did I expect? Once it's in the WWW it's out there permanently. *le sigh* I guess it put me back where I should be mentally. Maybe I wanted to be found put. Stop the crazy back and forth cycle I was perpetually trapped in I'm an extremely selfish person. And I sort of don't care to fix it.... pushing my chances of being a bride way down the line.
Our anniversary is coming up this month. The 20th I think. I remember when he first asked for my phone number. I was so naive and innocent in high school that I didn't count that as him asking me out. Then all of a sudden he's claiming me. "Yea! We've been together since I asked for your number!" How clever he was... Using that as a spring board to claim
me. Not that I fought it or said no. He always was and always will be a strategist.
Stop playing checkers and start playing chess.
I guess that's why he was able to find out about my emotional affair. It was one sided on my part. I don't know how the other felt. But I was wrong and childish to do that to someone that cares about my all around well being. Sometimes I start feeling extra guilty out of the blue and get so angry at myself. What was I expecting or hoping would happen? Nothing but bad could come from it. Fortunately it was emotional. Not physical. He would have dropped me in heartbeat.
But DAMN when he showed me the evidence. Repeated my words/thoughts to me verbatim... Obviously commited to memory for all the pain and hurt they've caused him. I left cookie crumbs everywhere! How fortunate I am that he considers this a small bump that will heal over time and has forgiven me! Who should be so fortnate?! Certainly not I! I don't deserve it. So I self punish on occasion. No caring about myself or appearance. I don't feel so pretty anymore. I feel ugly. I haven't eaten regularly in a long time even before he found out. I pretend it's fasting. Cleansing my conscience perhaps.
But reliving that moment in high school has eased my mood tremendously. At least temporarily. I hope this new month will alleviate this guilt, even just a little. I don't want to waste away. He's told me that he doesn't even have to do anything that I will beat myself up for what happened. And he's right. I hate how someone can know you so well that they can predict the next move.
Checkmate.