(no subject)
It's strange to wake up from vividly real dreams. You feel like you are still in them, and you could step back to them if you wanted to.
I dreamed that I was getting chased by a giant army of red ants, each one about the size of a mouse. And they ran FAST...I was running at a full sprint, and while they weren't gaining on me, they were keeping up. Running in dreams is fun though, because you can go and go and never get exhausted.
but then I dreamed that Billy Corgan had announced his final concert EVER...not final Smashing Pumpkins or anything like that...he was going to do one last performance, then retire from the music industry altogether. And I felt relieved, and I felt like he gained a small amount of my respect back, after all the respect he has lost by pretending he is still famous, and then getting angry at everyone when he doesn't become famous like he once was. In my dream, I felt a little bit nostalgic about the final end of music from a musician who was so influential in my life, but I felt relieved that this would put an end to all his recent antics that keep chipping away at my ability to respect and admire him any more.
And I was trying to get tickets, and trying to talk a very reluctant misho into going with me. Haha.
Then I wake up, and get online, and see that Rob has posted an LJ entry on this very topic. About defining yourself by a musician, and about how it can be good to feel that a song is about you, but that you're taking it too far if you feel that a song IS you.
The Smashing Pumpkins WERE me, back in the day. I really defined myself by them. I was A Smashing Pumpkins Fan. That was my identity. And in my mind, if you didn't "get" the greatness of the pumpkins, you didn't "get" me. I felt that an appreciation for SP was a requirement for even dating me...you didn't have to be quite as rabid of a fan as I was, but if you didn't "get" the music at least a LITTLE bit, then there's no way you could comprehend me and who I was.
Yes, I was ridiculous about it. But I think though, that for a short term obsession, this had a place in my life, as ridiculous as my extremism was. As I look back, I SHOULD have been defining myself by the mormon church. Instead, I defined myself by SP. I was attaching all the importance to this band, that I had been taught to attach to a church. And it helped me. I was a college freshman at BYU, an entirely Mormon university, surrounded entirely by other mormons, and mormon expectations. I wasn't yet in a place where I could accept, or even grasp the concept of leaving a religion that defined my entire world. The consequences at this point were too huge to even consider. But I was beginning to recognize that I was dissatisfied with it, that I was different. And as weird as it sounds, going crazy over a band was the only way I knew to show that I was different than this church I was being immersed in, it was the only validation I could find for feelings that I couldn't even understand yet. It helped me reach a point where I knew I wanted something different than everyone else, and it gave me the strength and determination that eventually lead to my departure from my religion.
So it played a role. An important role. And I have to appreciate it for that.
All the same though, I look back and have to laugh. Yes, the music was great, yes, it meant a whole lot to me, and still does. But it's kind of hard to believe I was ever that extreme about it.
What's even harder to believe, is that Billy Corgan seems so incapable of looking back on people like myself and the rest of the fans who were so insanely rabid in our near-worship of the band...that he's incapable of looking back on that, and laughing, too. It was ridiculous. We had fun while it lasted, I don't think any of us regret it too badly, but come on...all over a band? But instead of any kind of amusement over how far some of his fans took it, instead he actually, really came to believe them...he really thinks he IS a God, and as such, should be worshipped as one. And now that this isn't happening any more, he is very, very bitter.
And that is very, very unattractive.
I dreamed that I was getting chased by a giant army of red ants, each one about the size of a mouse. And they ran FAST...I was running at a full sprint, and while they weren't gaining on me, they were keeping up. Running in dreams is fun though, because you can go and go and never get exhausted.
but then I dreamed that Billy Corgan had announced his final concert EVER...not final Smashing Pumpkins or anything like that...he was going to do one last performance, then retire from the music industry altogether. And I felt relieved, and I felt like he gained a small amount of my respect back, after all the respect he has lost by pretending he is still famous, and then getting angry at everyone when he doesn't become famous like he once was. In my dream, I felt a little bit nostalgic about the final end of music from a musician who was so influential in my life, but I felt relieved that this would put an end to all his recent antics that keep chipping away at my ability to respect and admire him any more.
And I was trying to get tickets, and trying to talk a very reluctant misho into going with me. Haha.
Then I wake up, and get online, and see that Rob has posted an LJ entry on this very topic. About defining yourself by a musician, and about how it can be good to feel that a song is about you, but that you're taking it too far if you feel that a song IS you.
The Smashing Pumpkins WERE me, back in the day. I really defined myself by them. I was A Smashing Pumpkins Fan. That was my identity. And in my mind, if you didn't "get" the greatness of the pumpkins, you didn't "get" me. I felt that an appreciation for SP was a requirement for even dating me...you didn't have to be quite as rabid of a fan as I was, but if you didn't "get" the music at least a LITTLE bit, then there's no way you could comprehend me and who I was.
Yes, I was ridiculous about it. But I think though, that for a short term obsession, this had a place in my life, as ridiculous as my extremism was. As I look back, I SHOULD have been defining myself by the mormon church. Instead, I defined myself by SP. I was attaching all the importance to this band, that I had been taught to attach to a church. And it helped me. I was a college freshman at BYU, an entirely Mormon university, surrounded entirely by other mormons, and mormon expectations. I wasn't yet in a place where I could accept, or even grasp the concept of leaving a religion that defined my entire world. The consequences at this point were too huge to even consider. But I was beginning to recognize that I was dissatisfied with it, that I was different. And as weird as it sounds, going crazy over a band was the only way I knew to show that I was different than this church I was being immersed in, it was the only validation I could find for feelings that I couldn't even understand yet. It helped me reach a point where I knew I wanted something different than everyone else, and it gave me the strength and determination that eventually lead to my departure from my religion.
So it played a role. An important role. And I have to appreciate it for that.
All the same though, I look back and have to laugh. Yes, the music was great, yes, it meant a whole lot to me, and still does. But it's kind of hard to believe I was ever that extreme about it.
What's even harder to believe, is that Billy Corgan seems so incapable of looking back on people like myself and the rest of the fans who were so insanely rabid in our near-worship of the band...that he's incapable of looking back on that, and laughing, too. It was ridiculous. We had fun while it lasted, I don't think any of us regret it too badly, but come on...all over a band? But instead of any kind of amusement over how far some of his fans took it, instead he actually, really came to believe them...he really thinks he IS a God, and as such, should be worshipped as one. And now that this isn't happening any more, he is very, very bitter.
And that is very, very unattractive.